Aside from all that, the game also left me thinking that Greg Monroe really loves to talk shit to any and all opponents willing to listen.  In the games’ final minutes, he seemed to be jawing with anyone and everyone willing to engage him.  I found the clip below particularly entertaining  because after getting into it with a couple Villanova players, Monroe seemingly had time to compose himself at the free throw line.  Apparently Greg, en route to a 13 point win, was way too angry to simply compose himself, make his two free throws head to the locker room.  Instead, he made the front end of the 1 and 1 and turned around to heckle the Wildcat behind him:

Nice and classy Greg.   For future reference, the camera is almost always focused directly on the free throw shooter following a free throw.  The odds of that camera being focused on you go up exponentially if you are a potential lottery pick.  That being said, that punk behind you looked like he deserved it, so way to make him look like a dick.

The Angry T

As most of us with a television and even a mild interest in sporting contests know, Cincinnati’s Brian Kelly has a great chance at becoming the next ND head coach.

He’s won everywhere he’s decided to hang his coaching hat to the tune of a 171-57-2 record thus far.  If you remove his time at Grand Valley State and compile his DI record (or FBS or RBK or HHH or HBK or whatever those clowns are calling DI these days), Kelly comes in at an impressive 53-22, with 34 of those wins and only 6 of those loses coming at Cincinnati.

Rightfully so, Notre Dame fans are excited.  How could you not get excited about a winner from a reputable conference like the Big East, who’s been to two BCS bowls including the upcoming Sugar Bowl,  and runs an inventive form of the spread?  Just ask Michigan fans, there is no way this hire can go wrong.

But are abstract concepts like “football talent,” and “coaching,” really the issues at Notre Dame?  This writer doesn’t think so.  If Tim Tebow and Colt McCoy have taught you anything, besides “trusting Jesus Christ” is the key to football success (sorry Mumbai tech), they should have taught you that having hot tail follow you around constantly instantly lifts your team to national prominence.

Unfortunately for all Domers out there, you can bring in Brian Kelly, Grace Kelly, the WWE’s Kellie Kellie or Dr. Frasier Crane played by Kelsey Grammar, but your student body isn’t all of a sudden going to go “She’s All That,” just by pulling out it’s pony tail and taking off it’s glasses.  There is an immutable law of the universe that says that schools with great academic programs have less hot people than schools with worse academic programs.  I know, I went to Michigan, and I have to look in the mirror every morning.

So without further ado, I give you three pictures to illustrate why ND can never return to prominence based on the hot chick with QB theory.

Poor Jimmy.  He’ll have NFL tail soon and all this will be a distant memory.

The Angry T

By now you’ve no doubt heard about Balloon Boy, or Falcon Heene, depending on whether you’ve decided to learn this name. You also probably know that he and his freak show family were on the hit/god awful television show Wife Swap. While I use “Freak Show,” in the kindest terms possible, I’m certain it would have been in this kid’s best interest to actually hop in that balloon and float away to a new family.

Here’s an article about his crazy ass family.

Now here’s an excerpt from that article:

According to the ABC ‘Wife Swap’ website, the family sleeps in their clothes so they can leap from bed and run after a storm (they are storm chasers) at any given moment. The site also describes a “flying saucer” that sounds like the one that ultimately came back to earth Thursday.

Now here are my questions:

Honestly, how long does it take to put on clothes? Also, are the clothes you go storm chasing in the same ones you have to wear the next morning? Wouldn’t it be easier to just set aside the storm chasing clothes on a table in your room? What kind of air conditioning bills must his family have to keep the house cool enough to sleep in heavy, storm chasing clothes? After this guy “makes love” to his wife on any given Wednesday, does he throw on the storm chasing clothes before he goes to bed? Or, does he plow in the storm chasing clothes, and stick his weiner through the fly hole?

Most importantly, here is a music video that the family made prior to Falcon not floating away in a balloon and captivating the nation:

(The 1:05 mark is pretty disturbing)

Freak Show.

The Angry T

Make sure you read all those tabs, starting with “about:”

Since October 2008, Human Toy Co. has been delighting children all across the country!

Our name says it all!  All of our toys are real people who will do, move and say as your child wishes!  They love it!  And your child will, too.

A human toy will not only be countless hours of entertainment but encourages creativity and teaches a sense of leadership.

The perfect toy for the child who has everything!

Just so you’re clear, by “perfect toy,” they do mean human that your child can boss around and manipulate in any way.  By “leadership,” they mean your child will learn how to boss around a mindless drone who will do anything and everything you say. Although, if you’re rich enough to afford this, your child will probably enjoy a life of bossing around mindless drones, so it may be good practice. If the name Todd Gallagher is ringing a bell, that’s because the owner of this site is the same Todd Gallagher who’s currently enrolled in high school…at age 33. (and here is his blog about the experience)

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that you can rent human beings by the hour to amuse your children?  What about babysitters you say? It is true that you pay them to mind your children and make sure your kids don’t rip shots of liquid plumber while you are way.  The website makes it very clear that these “human toys” are the farthest thing from babysitters:

Are your toys trained babysitters?

Our toys are no more of a babysitter than a wooden horse.  That said, unlike most baby sitters, Human Toys are carefully screened, have passed a rigorous background check, are highly trained professionals, and are required not to participate in any activity that will endanger the welfare of a child.  We have never had a family unhappy with their Human Toy experience.

Well good thing I read that frequently asked question.  Now I at least know if my child is choking on a lincoln log, the Human Tool, I mean toy, will sit sit silent, rocking back and forth like the little brother from The Client.

Now I bet you’re saying, “Come on Angry T, this is virtually like renting a clown for your child’s birthday party.”  You may think that gentle reader, but the Human Toys website has a response to that statement:

When you say human toy do you mean clown?

No, clowns are for children whose parents aren’t willing to go the extra mile.   Clowns are a limited, one-way form of entertainment like a television that makes your child take a passive role.  We want children using their minds in their fun!

Well, humantoys.net, you’ve just eliminated 75 percent of your target audience.  Most parents think they want to go the extra mile for their child, at least for a while. Then they plop that same child in front of the TV for nine hours of Nickelodeon while they huff Lysol disinfectant spray and polish off a Cobra or two.

I’m sure that everything I’ve told you above has convinced you to contract the services.  But what kind of HumanToy would you like to purchase?  Take a look at this page.

Well, I’m sure as shit not choosing this HumanToy:

Holy hell! “Mommy the scary floral patten woman is haunting my dreams.”  I simply don’t have enough money to invest in rubber sheets to allow my child to choose this Human Toy.

What about this guy?

Sure, I’ll buy this clown for my child…if I need to teach my child how to identify someone without a soul.  Worst of all, he costs, $40/hr, or double what that frightening woman above can fetch.  This douche will teach your child all about the world of investment banking, lawyering and all things hated by the rest of the world.  Then again, he’s probably got some dough, so while your child is learning about net earnings before depreciation, you can rifle through his wallet and pick up money for dinner.

Who should you choose though? There aren’t a lot of great candidates, but I think this is the obvious choice:

Sure, she started in investment banking and sure, according to her bio on the site, she can “count to a zillion,” which obvious makes her a witch, but at least she’s attractive.  While she’s rounding one billion on her way to a zillion, you can oggle the hell out of her, which depending on how she looks from the neck down, might be worth it.

The Angry T

Click here to view the embedded video.

Watching those crashes in slow motion is most certainly the best part of NASCAR for the non-diehard fan.  For this reason alone I think it would be a worthwhile exercise to take a look at some of the more frightening racing crashes that drivers survived and in some cases walked, or stumbled away from.

10. Michael McDonald (not this one) during qualifying at Texas Motor Speedway -  It appears that he’s angry about the crash and not happy that although this car just exploded and flipped six times, he’s still alive. Smile a little bit Mike.

9. Mike Harmon’s car tears apart at Bristol – It looks like Mike was in even greater danger that normal because his car tore apart right before getting hit by another speeding car.

Of course, he just ends up popping out of the car without a scratch.  Why don’t they make planes our of NASCARs?

8. Carl Edwards at this year’s Aaron’s 499 - Not only did Edwards flip his car, not only did his car hit the fence, not only di dthe crash take  place on the final lap and not only did he walk away, he Ricky Bobby’d to the finish. 

7. Amazing Crash at Le Mans – These cars already look like the smallest updraft could lift them airborne.  I guess it’s not surprising that this guy can do Blue Angel type moves with that thing.  He just failed to stick the landing which put him right into a wall.  I’m sure he’ll get it right next time.

6. Stephane Ortelli nearly decapitating another driver – I’ve never been hit in the head with a car going 280 kph, but I’m imagining it would hurt a lot.

5. BMW M3 goes off a ramp that was inexplicably placed very close to the race track where cars travel very fast.  The end over end couldn’t look better in slow-mo.  The driver went to the hospital but was released shortly after, for your reference.

4. Nascar Craftsman truck series fireball – Just plain scary

3.Any rabbit enthusiast better not watch this video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

2. Ryan Briscoe says hello to the fence and explosion of his car after getting bumped.  Amazingly all he got out of the crash was two broken clavicles and not an exploded body.

1. Tetsuya Oda’s Crash at Fuji Speedway in 1998 – Oda, who survived this crash, filed suit against race organizers for failing to implent proper safety procedures.  You can clearly see in the video that rescue personel seem very slow in helping the the on-fire Oda.  The first people to actually help Oda are his fellow drivers.  Despite this seeming negligence, the court ruled in favor of race organizers, saying Oda failed to decelerate quickly enough.

Oda’s story is detailed in a documentary called “Crash.” He no longer races professionally, but he owns a performance autmotive tuning garage called Tezzo.

Send along any other crazy crashes that we might have missed.

The Angry T