Mike Tyson flat out refuses to go away/die/stop getting hit in the face. On some levels it is sad, others hilarious, but even Tyson had this to say about his comeback, "I think I’m useless to society. I don’t think I’m worthy of the people who come out to see me, but they do." Couldn’t have said it better myself Mike. But I seriously feel for this guy. Think about his life, child prodigy with the whole world at his feet. No one ever told him no and he had 2 million people in his ear telling him that he was the greatest ever. You see this all the time with up and comers and he was ripe for failure before he even had a chance to succeed on his own. Don King, his promoter, who also happens to be a convicted murderer (read for yourself, its pretty interesting, also check wikipedia. http://www.sportslawnews.com/archive/history/DonKingHistory.htm) took a large chunk of money from the dim-witted Tyson in his hey-day. King, the man advising Tyson, had about as much compassion for Tyson as he did for the large number of other fighters he grifted money from (also on wikipedia). The gist of it is that Tyson was not a very smart man, but he was pretty good at beating the shit out of goofy-looking white dudes. (See Peter McNeely). Because of the former and myriad emotional and psychological problems which he never really received help for, Tyson is now broke. The Mike Tyson World Tour will commence later this year in the beautiful borough of Youngstown, Ohio. I was hoping that he would fight Youngstown native Maurice Clarett for the title of most colossal failure, (with Ryan Leaf as guest referee) but it seems that he will square off against his former sparring partner. Memo to those people who are entertaining thoughts about buying this pay-per-view, please refer to the Mike Tyson quote above. At this point in his career, Mike Tyson wouldn’t even by a Mike Tyson pay-per-view. So take the money that you would have spent and send it to me. I am currently putting together a fund for Charlie Weis. The money collected will be used to remove his head and place it on a less revolting/disgusting/Jabba-the-Hut-like/Marshmallow-man-from-Ghostbusters-like body. I figure if the media is going to force Weis and the Irish down our throat I better make the best of it and get Weis a hot body. Maybe some double D’s for ol’ Charlie would spice things up. And I’m not talking about the probably hairy, sagging man-breasts that he is currently sporting. (Irish insider news reports he is currently wearing a custom Frank Costanza "Bro, but I digress). Mike Tyson is a sad, sad case. I just want the man not to be so depressed anymore. Or at the very least I want him to get a face tattoo that leaves him prepetually smiling. Yeah, that will do.

The Angry T

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The PR machine for the National Football League is working overtime as we speak. Terrel Owens is taking pills, Chargers safety Terrance Kiel is arrested for selling pills, yet we all keep drinking the NFL kool-aid. Writers and analysts bash baseball as law-less and a steroid haven yet no stones are thrown at the literally dozens of felons and pill poppers and HGH users in the NFL. Who the hell is Roger Goodell sleeping with to keep the NFL’s media image squeaky clean? My current fantasy involves the NFL commish and Linda Cohn, and I am the interloping TV repairman who gets in on the action. But seriously Pablo Escobar Kiel is indicted on federal drug charges for what looks like pill trafficking and we all turn a blind eye and make a joke about Barry Bonds. Why is baseball the whipping boy? Do not tell me it’s about steroids because everybody and their sister knows the NFL has huge human growth hormone problems. Yet the NFL refuses to test for HGH (just like baseball) but the NFL does not receive any of the negative media attention that baseball does. Well, you druggies don’t fool me, I have connected the dots. Terrell Owens overdoses on pain pills, which he probably picked up from Terrence Kiel-Escobar. Kiel employs Chris Henry as a foot-soldier to peddle the pills. Occasionally drug trade gets violent and at this point Keith Davis, on his way to church, inevitably ends up in the cross-fire. If you are unclear on any of this, please read the preceding columns. I think that all NFL players should have to complete the D.A.R.E. program and I won’t watch another game until this requirement is met…until this Sunday. By the way, you can now play a “Where’s Waldo?” type game by playing “Where’s Chris Henry?” when looking at Cincinnati police reports.

Here’s your first opportunity, enjoy.

The Angry T

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I was watching an NFL post-game show on Sunday and Bob Costas and some other clown came back from break all serious and told me that Chris Simms spleen had burst during the game and he nearly died. No sooner had they finished that sentence when they then began to talk about when he will be back and the fantasy implications and what not. I seriously thought Costas was just going to say, “With an injury like that, he may have to be destroyed,” Kentucky Derby style. Get it together Costas, he’s not Barbaro, who I sort of wish would have been destroyed, he is a human being, how about some compassion? You can rest assured if it had been Peyton or Eli injured we would have a scrolling feed on every sports channel updating their minute by minute bowel movements into the bedpan. Costas would come on and say, “Word out of the hospital, Eli forgot to shake after urinating, got pee on his hospital gown. More on that coming up at the top of the hour.” But as Simms is a second tier quarterback, we will get sporadic reports like “Simms not dead” and “Simms still not dead, may play week 6.” Such is the life of an NFL football player I guess. You see the same thing on Sportscenter all the time. They show a quick story about how someone sports-related dies, followed by a somber three seconds, immediately followed by Stu Scott taking us to commercial by yelling “Booyah” as they tease a Diamondbacks/Dodgers highlight. Real classy ESPN, get that taken care of or I might only watch three episodes of Sportcenter a day instead of five. Clowns.

The Angry T

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I promise I will not write anything about Notre Dame for at least a week but I have to get this little number off my chest: I hate college football analysts; every single one of them. At halftime of the Notre Dame-MSU game the whole damn studio was telling us about how Notre Dame didn’t have the athletes and how MSU just wanted it more and how great MSU play calling was. Almost all the analysts believed that MSU was simply the better team that night: better coached, better players, more hungry. But as soon as Notre Dame pulled off that ass-lucky win (Even Notre Dame fans can’t disagree) suddenly Notre Dame/Charlie Weis/Brady Quinn were again the superheros that they were before the season. I can’t understand how these clowns keep their jobs. How much can you contradict yourself in one program? Notre Dame was very lucky to win, just say it Herbstreit. Anyone who believes that anyone other than Jesus himself won that game for ND is an idiot. MSU outplayed ND for 60 minutes. The best part about it is that now, according to the 314 year old Lou Holtz, Brady Quinn is a Heisman candidate again. Once more, so I don’t have to say it for another week: Brady Quinn=scared child when the pressure is on, ND=good but not great team, Charlie Weis=stunt double for Revolting Blob in Billy Madison. Done. Also, just in case you are wondering, Tyrone Willingham is 3-1 this season.Thats the same record as Charlie Weis, who is currently sitting on an extension through 2912, by which time hopefully scientists find a cure for obesity so we do not have to see Chaz wearing those pants that separate his belly fat into two hemispheres.

The Angry T

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Everyone’s favorite felon Chris Henry caught two touchdown passes in Sunday’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. The most entertaining play involving Henry occurred when good ol’ Chris was nearly broken in half by a Steelers defensive back on a pass over the middle. I believe I was one of at least 6 billion people who hoped he was actually injured. You could almost hear the shrieks of the underage girls who would have to find other sources of alcohol if he was incapicitated. Fortunately for this piece of garbage he was okay. It is good that he showed everyone he was tough; that will definetly earn him points in prison, where he will inevitably land when he gets older, loses his athletic ability and is no longer useful in the NFL. Congrats on your future Chris.

The Angry T

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This has been a banner year for the off-season accomplishments of NFL football players. The combatants in America

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I will begin this article by stating unequivocally that I am a Michigan fan. I have rooted for the Wolverines for as long as I can remember. I graduated from U of M this spring and moved to the city of Chicago with a couple of my friends from high school. Little did I know that everyone from the University of Notre Dame moves to Chicago after college. That is correct, every single graduate. Suddenly I was surrounded by

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