If you read my first column ever, you will remember that I have a soft spot for Bill Simmons, much in the same way that Chris Henry has a soft spot for felonies. While I feel that he can sometimes write a decent column, I often feel that he is a clown who will one day give me an ulcer.  To make my point, I can refer you to espn.com’s Sport Guy’s World.  Simmons wrote a damn good column about the passing of Red Auerbach filled with his memories of the greatest coach and general manager that we will probably ever see in sports.  Then, and only then, do we see the true greatness of Simmons. In his other column about the NFL, I barely make it through two paragraphs before I am forced to throw up on the computer screen due to his outright refusal to let me read one column without getting pissed off. Simmons says:

“You know Mike Martz is thinking, ‘Hey, we have the third-ranked offense and the 30th-ranked defense right now. … This isn’t MY fault.’ Fortunately for the Lions, nobody in Detroit even knows there’s a football season happening right now.”

Really Bill? Before you wrote that last sentence, did you even think about looking at attendance figures for this years’ Lions.  The Lions have sold out every one of their home games this season despite going 1-6.  In spite of a terrible team led by another inept Italian (I can say that, I have a black friend) the fans still show up and care, for some ungodly reason. In fact, they have sold out every game since Ford Field opened in 2002 despite going 3-13, 5-11, 6-10, and 6-10 in successive seasons. Even worse, they sold out the vast majority of their games while playing in the palatial Silverdome which sat 80,000 people.  Say what you want about the Lions’ terrible teams for the last 59 years, but do not question the fans.  Like man’s best friend, what we lack in intelligence we make up for in loyalty.  This article is kind of garbage that makes me believe, with my complete lack of talent, that I could one day ascend to the level of “idiot that gets paid really well” like Bill Simmons.  I hope Simmons is one of the 4 people that read this column and I hope he gets pissed off because for once I want him to feel the pain and agony that he puts me through when I make the mistake of reading one his columns.  And before you geniuses say, “Why don’t you just not read his columns?” I can only answer you by saying that I will also watch the Lions game this weekend, go figure.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

The more I watch, read, or write about sports, the more I believe that I am an idiot for doing so.  These are the guys I idolize and spend a great majority of my time discussing, yet in most cases I am disgusted by them.  Gary Sheffield has nearly put me over the edge from general disgust to outright hatred towards athletes.  I know all athletes are not bad guys, in fact, there are a lot of good guys in sports.  Gary Sheffield, however, is not a good guy.  Please read the title of this article about Sheffield. Go ahead and read it right now.  You may want to read the entire thing.  That article absolutely disgusts me, and if it doesn’t disgust you, you are probably a pedophile.  Thirteen million dollars! Thirteen million dollars! They are trying to give the man 13 million dollars and he is pissed off.  He played 39 games last year and was out 4 months of the season and was paid in full.  Now the team wants to pay him again, and he is angry.  Doesn’t that want to make you spike your computer monitor?  Are athletes that distanced from reality?  I can’t wait until I have enough money that I don’t care if I alienate myself from the entire United States.  This is like someone handing you a bag of money on the street and then you bitching them out because they didn’t carry it home for you too.  I didn’t know my stance on capital punishment until I read that story.

Good Christ this man is a clown.  He claims that he wanted to test his value on the open market, and that he is angry with the Yankees for picking up this 13 million dollar option.  Just shut your pampered silver spoon piece of garbage mouth.  "This will not work, this will not work at all… I don’t want to play first base this year for them. I will not do that," Sheffield said earlier this week.  Can you envision him stamping his feet when he said this. You think by the age of 37 that he wouldn’t have to do something like this in public.  He could go to Brian Cashman and discuss his options and explain to him what Gary wants for Gary.  But no, he has to make himself look like the spoiled, arrogant, out of touch loser that he is, in front of the entire world.  Give this a try douchebag:  honor the contract that YOU signed, swallow your pride and take your 13 million dollars and play a child’s game. I know its not easy Gary, I can really sympathize with you. I don’t want you to play for the Yankees either.  In fact, I would rather you weren’t blessed with baseball abilities and had to use your intellect to make a living.  At that point 13 million might actually seem like a good asking price.  In fact, with your intelligence Gary, $6.50 an hour might actually be your earning potential.  I don’t think these idiots know that they won the genetic lottery.  I understand that a ton of hard work goes into being a professional athlete and I’m not taking anything away from Sheffield (yes I am) or anyone else, BUT you are paid an exorbitant amount of money and to complain like you are being imprisoned or oppressed is disgusting.  But of course Sheffield will probably end up getting whatever he wants, because he is a professional athlete and they do not have to play by real human rules.  And of course I will stew for a bit and be pissed off but then forget all about it when Chris Henry commits his first murder and I have something else to write about.

The Angry T

Popularity: unranked [?]

Here is a submission from the newest member of The Angry T team.  As you will read his rant is an open letter to Canada’s favorite pastime not named curling.  You may remember this guy from a semi-popular metal band of the late 90’s.  Well now he’s jobless, penniless, but fortunately not keyboard-less, here he is, Violent J.

Dear NHL,
           
 Hello my dear old friend, how have you been?  It has been too long since we last talked, so much has changed.  You see, when we used to talk you entertained me.  I talked to all of my friends about you.  I used to be one of your players in the NHL 95 Sega game.  His name was Sergei Fedorov and I would work the wraparound and shoot backhand after backhand into the net past the slow glove hand of Felix Potvin.

God what fun we used to have!  It wouldn’t take more then a few phone calls to round the guys up for some street hockey. How we loved to emulate your top players.  Now I have no idea who your top players are.  I tried to watch you a couple times this week in between episodes of Flavor of Love, but unfortunately I don’t get OLN on my TV, and if I did, I wouldn’t know where to find it.

I asked a few friends about what you’ve been up to, but they didn’t know either.  In fact they said they weren’t even interested in you anymore. That seems to be the sentiment in Chicago ( population: 2.9 million) where your Blackhawks, one of the Original 6, averages 12,000 fans a game, filling only 60 % of their seats.  The WNBA Champion Detroit Shock brought 9,000-11,000 fans a game throughout their season and consistently brought around 18,000-19,000 fans to the WNBA finals.  Are you really on the same scale as a good WNBA team? Has it gotten that bad?

Hey what are you getting mad at ME for?  I stayed with you during your glowing puck fiasco and the United States Vs World Vs Guatemala Vs North Korea All Star games you’ve pushed on me.  What ever happened to some old fashioned, wheel out a half-dead Al Iafrate to blast 200mph slapshots All-star Weekend moments?  I stayed with you when you moved out of Canada and went to Columbus, Atlanta (honestly….hockey in Atlanta).  Sure some of those places bring in decent crowds, but you made yourself look like a clown when you watered down your sport so much that average hockey guy has no idea what players play on half your teams.

Oh yeah that’s another thing, your players changed teams like Chris Gatling on crack.  Your superstars no longer have the star power they once had.  Your new rules and style have been cheap gimmicks.  More goals do not mean more entertainment.  You’re the freaking NHL!!!  You’ve been around since 1917!!! This isn’t Slam Ball on TNN for Christ sake (although I think Slam Ball might follow your games on OLN now).

Wait where are you going?  Oh I get it, leaving me again.  This is a song and dance I’ve seen before.  2004-2005 ring a bell?  Oh don’t think I actually forgot what you did, I know most former fans of you haven’t.  You locking out the season is like Elizabeth Berkley not signing up for the Saved By The Bell reunion episode.  Sure you would like the full cast, but with or without her you’re still going to watch the show.  The point is NHL, we loved you, but when you went away, it’s not like we were left with nowhere to turn.  Things like College Baseball and Poker took your time slots and posted better ratings then you did. 

You will always be the fourth sport, and that’s not terrible, it could be worse, you could be soccer.  But if you continue to get away from things that kept you in fourth, you can say hello to “The Sweet Science” and the “Sport of Kings” on the way down as you get passed in popularity by Landon Donovan’s LA Galaxy. Well NHL, stay in touch and tell Sergei Fedorov that I miss him.  I would tell him myself but I have no idea what team he is on.

Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

Every great athlete, coach, politician, painter, porn star, or professional wrestler knows they have a shelf life.  Just ask Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan.  They have a window of opportunity in which they can be successful until it is their turn to step out of the spotlight and retire.  Bobby Bowden is the proverbial 13 year old can of peas in the back of your pantry.  He has been around for a long, long time.  He  became the head coach of Florida State in 1976 following a stint with the West Virginia Mountaineers Thirty years of coaching the same school is an accomplishment in this day and age.  Bear Bryant’s tenure at Alabama surpassed Bowden’s at Florida State but you have to wonder if even Bear could have handled the constant media scrutiny in the ESPN era that guys like Bowden and Joe Paterno must go through. I probably would have died after heart-attack #14 if I had to deal with the clowns that these men have had to deal with day after day for so long. 

Reporter: Coach Bowden, I know you have a winning percentage of nearly .800 but don’t you think these three losses this year mean that you are a terrible, decrepit old coach?

Coach Bowden: Well, NO, to answer your question Mr. Douchebag.  I think I am a great coach and no one seemed to mind last year when I brought in 12 million dollars for the University for getting us to the Orange Bowl.

Anyone who thinks Florida State’s problems can be attributed to Bowden is a clown.  Have you seen him on the field?  Does he even have a headset on?  What could he be possibly be doing without a headset?  He does the same thing Joe Paterno does… and he does it better than JoePa.  He brings talent to FSU, year after year.  The Seminoles have had to play 17 true freshmen this year.  Florida State only had 31 total recruits last year and over half of them have played this year.  A similar situation befell Lloyd Carr last year at Michigan and sure enough the boosters and students were out in force.  Those same losers are silent this year as Michigan is 8-0.  It is very possible that the same success will reach FSU next year when these young players who now have game experience deliver on their potential.  Then what will those absolute clowns that host www.retirecoachbowden.com do?

In my America, anyone, and I mean anyone, who hosts a site like www.retirecoachbowden.com, would be incarcerated.  The individuals that put together sites like this are despicable.  Bowden has 363 wins, more than any other coach in the history of the college game.  He continues to recruit top talent and, up until a slight downturn this year, he has coached his teams to championship levels.  College football fans may be the dumbest group of people in all of sports.  I honestly believe that these losers think that no team but their own is actually trying to win games.  “Wow, Michigan lost three games this year, looks like its time to fire Lloyd,” these idiots say.  Carr, like Bowden, is still among the most successful coaches and recruiters in the history of the game.  Check his winning percentage (.750) against the great coaches off all-time and you will see that he compares favorably.  But of course, you have a bunch of losers who see that neither Michigan nor Florida State has won a national championship in five years and all of the sudden the coaches are idiots.  Well let me tell you something, you pizza-eating, beer-bonging, 2.0-GPA college student who knows the grandmother’s name and inseam of every player: You are a loser, and maybe the worst kind of loser because you think you are smart.  Do yourself a favor.  Go run a couple miles, work the beer gut off, and go to class on Monday because your self-perceived intelligence will get you about as far as the kitchen of the burrito joint that you eat at six days a week, you slob.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

It is now official; anyone who does not like Kenny Rogers is a pedophile.  What a great human being.  I don’t know what the hell was on his hand.  Pine tar, Pinesol, pine nuts or urine, this guy is still a gamer. 

The old baseball adage goes “If you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying.”  There’s that famous moment when George Brett ran a 4.2 40 at an umpire, who didn’t move an inch, after Brett’s bat was found to be corked.  Several books and articles have been written about the legendary “Shot Heard Round the World’ where players have all but admitted to stealing the signs that led to Bobby Thompson’s famous home run off Ralph Branca.  It is also clear that this is neither the first nor last time in baseball that a team got the edge on its opponent by stealing signs.  Runners on second routinely relay signs to the batter regarding what pitch the catcher has called. 

With all that being said, it still pisses me off that Rogers would cheat. One of the greatest post-season performances of all-time could be tarnished by a warm Kenny Rogers Chicken-esque lump of gravy. Rogers could very well have gotten himself kicked out of the Series’ remaining games when the team needs him more than ever. But, with all THAT being said, cheating is simply part of sports; just ask Shawne Merriman. 

I love how little attention the steroid problem in football is receiving.  If a high-profile star like Alex Rodriguez or Vladimir Guerrero was caught using performance enhancers, the national media would be all over the story, blubbering about the “terrible steroid problem in baseball.”  Now these idiots refuse to write about the problem in the NFL or to question Roger Goddell’s leadership in the same way they question every Bud Selig decision.  This biased reporting is a bunch of garbage if you ask me.  Is anyone in the national media ever going to take the NFL to task for having such a terrible handle on steroid use among players?  I guess in the eyes of congress and the media, the only athletes that “negatively affect our youth,” to use their sanctimonious words, are baseball players and not the much more visible druggies of the NFL.  Nice work clowns, way to do your job. But alas, I am off-topic.

Tony La Russa is getting a lot of heat over his decision not to launch a formal complaint about what the hell was on Rogers’s hand.  Some people are now saying that La Russa did not challenge what Rogers had in his hand because of his reverence for Jim Leyland.  If anything, Leyland should have reverence for La Russa; Leyland worked under La Russa in Chicago.  While Leyland looks like he is 104 years old, he is actually younger than La Russa. Anyone who thinks that La Russa would not try to win a game based on respect for the other manager is an idiot who does not know baseball. 

What do you think La Russa said to himself? “Well, we could try to take out the post-season’s best pitcher because we believe he is cheating, but Jim Leyland is the manager of the other team, and he will most likely die soon due to his coal miner lungs, so let’s let him have this one.”  What a bunch of idiots.  Again I love ESPN, but at least put some thought into your article before trotting it out in front of 100,000 viewers.  As a writer who trots his work out before an audience of 9 people, I don’t have that problem.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

I would never claim to be intelligent in the traditional sense.  I would also never claim that I have a fantastic sense of humor because it always seems to me that I am the one laughing the loudest at my jokes.  However, even with my limited intelligence and comedic gifts, I know that making up a joke about blowing up a professional football stadium is neither funny nor intelligent.  In fact, up until a few days ago I would have thought that everyone could agree on that point.  Well, once again, it turns out I am wrong. 

James J. Brahm, a 20-year old grocery store clerk from Wisconsin, thought it would be hilarious to post internet warnings suggesting that there was a plot afoot to blow up several NFL stadiums this weekend.  Brahm was allegedly in a contest with his friends to see who could make the most outrageous internet post.  Great contest, nerds. Here’s an idea: go to a bar, get real drunk and forget about your terrible, loser-ish internet posting contest.  You’re welcome; I just saved you 5 years in jail. Internet posting contests?  What ever happened to a good ol’ fashioned heterosexual weightlifting or chick-picking-up contest? Or seeing how many shots you and your friends can take before it gets serious and someone starts throwing up and there is that moment that you think you should take them to the hospital but no one is sober, and eventually they stop throwing up and you just forget about them and hope they wake up the next morning. They made a movie about nerds like these; they ended up getting revenge or something, I can’t remember what it was called.   By the way, why is it that presidential assassins or serial killers are always referred to by at least 3 names or initials? Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, John Wilkes Booth, Mark David Chapman, just to name a few.  Are you trying to make these people out to be dignified, upper-crust individuals with a storied family history?  In my America you will have to be at least a millionaire to be referred to by more than 2 names.  That’s it, no exceptions.  And I don’t want to hear any complaints from those people with two first names like Mary Jo, Billy Bob and the like. One first name per person prospective parents, get it straight.  I think I may be off topic, back to the story.

Hardy fricken Har Mr. Brahm. I hope you got a great laugh out of it.  Where you are going sir, there will be no laughter or internet postings to impress friends.  How do you think they treat fake internet bomb threat criminals in jail?  I imagine they get treated worse than pedophiles but slightly better than Maurice Clarett.  Has there ever been a greater miscalculation of what other people would think was funny?  Maybe the Magic Hour, or Kazaam, possibly Gigli, but neither ended in a jail sentence… but maybe they should have.  Listen to what the FBI said about Brahm’s post: “These types of hoaxes scare innocent people, cost business resources and waste valuable homeland security resources.” Sounds a lot like a bad movie to me. These same words could describe a bad movie whose hoax is the claim by promoters that it was actually worth seeing. I am always pissed off after leaving a bad movie because my “resources” have been depleted after paying 10 dollars to watch “Unbreakable” or “Mission to Mars” (on second thought I will take the blame for “Mission to Mars”). Just something to think about the next time you see Ben Affleck walking the streets a free man. Do the right thing Ben, turn yourself in, and don’t worry, I will take good care of Jennifer Garner.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I was under the impression that steroids actually make you a stronger, faster, better athlete.  Apparently that impression is false.  Either that, or even when the Detroit Lions take steroids they do it incorrectly. The NFL suspended Lions All-Pro defensive tackle Shaun Rogers for four games for violating the substance abuse policy. In a Floyd Landis-esque attempt to justify his actions, Rogers claimed to have inadvertently taken a banned substance while using an appetite suppressant. Taking it a step further, Rogers claimed that he tried to curb his appetite because he suffers from sleep apnea and while he is up late at night he tends to eat a lot. I love the excuses!  It is probably the most effort a Lion has put into anything in years. I apologize for always talking about this terrible, terrible football team, but they are just so funny. Everything that they do turns into a debacle.  Whenever the Lions bring in a highly touted coach or player, the guy has his spirit broken by this franchise and is forced to walk away from football and try to put the pieces of his life back together. 

In a related story of crime and punishment, Chicago White Sox short stop Juan Uribe (in Ugueth Urbina fashion) was indicted in the shooting of two men in the Dominican Republic.  Surprisingly enough, Uribe denied any involvement in the shooting. Uribe claims to have been talking to his father at the time of the shooting. I predict that in a public statement he will reveal that he and his father were teaching blind school-children how to read Braille while hammering out peace treaties for the Middle East and Darfur simultaneously. 

Uribe’s story brings me to the point of this rambling piece that has probably sickened you up to this point. How many people work where you work?  Now that you have that number in your head, think of how many of those people have been arrested recently? In one month of writing these rants I have written at least four pieces on arrests in professional sports. The number of athletes that get arrested in a week is mind-boggling. The disparity in arrest rates in pro-sports vs. the real world must be unbelievable. The facts point to leagues full of convicts. Maybe Chris Henry is not such a bad a guy, he is just trying to fit in with the older criminal/players. I mean I feel bad for the kid. I guess I understand why so many athletes carry guns; they are just protecting themselves against other athletes. Chris Henry is not above stealing a teammate’s wallet at gunpoint. 

The NHL and its many Canadian players tend to stay out of the news because crime has not yet been invented in Canada. But wait, with the infusion of surly Europeans, the crime rate is bound to go up. The NBA is already experiencing the crime problem due to Europeans. Darko Milicic, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, and Bosjtan Nachbar have already stolen millions from NBA teams. They operate like those Nigerian money transfer e-mails that I am always getting. Lots of promises, no results. What a bunch of criminals. Somehow, against my better judgment, I will continue to watch.   

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]