I have awaited this man’s return in a similar fashion to how herpes sufferers await a relapse. Just like those dirty herpes ridden individuals, I want him to go away and stay away, so I can finally stop using that expensive cream. Ironically enough, the man I am speaking about also had problems with “the cream” and “the clear” as well. Sammy Sosa, avid supporter of the South Beach Diet following the implementation of the steroid policy, is looking to make a comeback. The fact that he was able to issue this statement to an English speaking media outlet is amazing. This is the same guy who, when being questioned on Capitol Hill regarding steroids, completely forgot how to speak English. Very convenient Mr. Sosa. He is a clown, a cheater, and at this point in his career, useless. Like Popeye without spinach, Samson without his locks, Charlie Weis without his trademark jar of mayonnaise, Sosa is very, very average without steroids. And yes, I do know for sure that the man used steroids. I do not feel bad visually indicting him based on his appearance and performance before and after the steroid policy was enforced. His body broke down and he was injured more than he had been at any time earlier in his career. Then he embarrassed himself in front of congress by refusing to answer any steroid questions due to his limited grasp of the English language. Anyone who heard his Montgomery-Ward’s commercials is aware that this guy has a firm grasp of the language. He should also take his own advice in those commercials and “Re-Tire.”

Sosa is a coward who refused to own up to his use of steroids. Say what you want about Canseco, (and there is a lot to say about that money-grubbing head case) but at least he was honest– even if he was just chasing a buck. I will never forget how happy I was when Sosa was caught with cork in his bat. The look on his face was priceless. His back-peddling after the event was also hilarious. Sosa claimed it was a bat he used in batting practice to put on a show for the fans. See what he did there boys and girls? Take note. Not only did he absolve himself of any wrong-doing, but he also made it seem like he was doing the fans a favor by trying to put on a show for them. What a disgusting human being. Go home, go back to the Dominican Republic and stay there because no one in America wants you in the country. In my America, you would be able to vote to see if someone should be deported. That would be some damn good reality TV. We put celebrities and athletes that no one likes on this show, (obviously hosted by Howie Mandel) and we vote to see if they get kicked out of America. And like Survivor, you have to leave directly from the show to whatever country the studio audience chooses to send you. Fantastic television.

Back to Sosa, he says he wants to come back so he can get to 600 home runs. Isn’t that great? This is what sports are all about. Get some team to pick you up for a year so YOU can get an individual record that no one believes is legitimate. No one wanted to sign you last year, take a hint. With a .221 average and 14 homers with the Orioles in 2005 you limped into the sunset, and no one was sad to see you go. There were no ESPN stories detailing your career or your contribution to the game. Sammy Sosa is exactly what baseball wants to forget. Bud Selig is currently working with the INS to check into Sosa’s citizenship. I don’t think it is out of the question for Selig to plant a bag of weed on Sosa if need be. At least that way Sosa would get in trouble for something, even if he was set up. At the very least, he should be incarcerated ex post facto for this ridiculous haircut. Legally, that haircut is tantamount to pedophilia, look into it Selig.     

Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

The Angry T has obtained exclusive rights to a letter written by the son of Wayne Derkotch, the now infamous douche bag who pulled a gun at his son’s youth football game because his son had not played yet that day. In my mind, this qualifies him not only for sterilization, but for everything up to, and potentially including, euthanasia. But enough about my opinion, on to the letter.

“Dear Dad,

First of all I would like to thank you for finally standing up to the coach about my playing time. Everyone on that team knows that I should be on the field. Sure, most of the time I forget the rules and run off the field, or take of my helmet during the play because I am 6 goddamn years old, but I am glad you stood up for me.

I remember the wind sprints that coach had us run earlier this season. When I wasn’t falling down because I hadn’t fully developed my motor skills because I am six goddamn years old, I was one of the faster players out there. Coach NEEDS me on that field. Speed kills, everyone knows that; except me of course, because I am six goddamn years old.

I almost feel bad though dad because even if coach had put me in the game, I wouldn’t have been able to go in. I was about 50 yards away from the field chasing a butterfly because I am 6 goddamn years old. I guess I will never be a great player like you. Didn’t you say you made 6 tackles in a JV game once before that mean Varsity coach (who had a grudge against you) wouldn’t play you. Even when everyone at school called you Wayne “Dirt Crotch,” because you tend to smell a lot like garbage, you still kept trying. I can tell you still haven’t lost that fighting spirit. Even though you did get your ass kicked in front of a lot of people AFTER pulling a gun on coach, it looked like you got a couple good shots in. That incident wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as having to sit on the bench. This is probably the kind of thing that I will just forget about. I am sure it won’t haunt me for the rest of my life.

I am just glad I have a dad that cares about me enough to do what you did. As a six year old, I have already grasped the implication of me sitting on the bench. It just flat out makes YOU look bad. YOUR son on the bench? “Not a chance,” you said. Instead you decided to do what comes naturally, something very dumb. But the good news is, now you and mommy both have black eyes. But why didn’t coach just start crying and packing a suitcase like mommy does when you hit her? Either way, I just have one more important thing to say, I AM SIX YEARS OLD. Maybe you should just let me have fun with my six year old friends without pulling a firearm. I pissed my goddamn pants last week, playing time is the least of my worries. If it was possible, I would pull an Elijah Wood in “North,” and find new parents you stupid, stupid, piece of garbage. If I knew that I would have such a loser for a father I would have aborted myself, how’s that for pro-choice.”

The Angry T

Popularity: unranked [?]

Here is again, widely regarded by readers as a top 2 personality on this site, Violent J.

It seems that Mr. Pacman has once again forgotten the golden rule that everyone’s mother taught them: never spit in a women’s face for not letting you grind up on her friend’s ass.  Now before I go and roll this guy under the bus, let me just tell you I am not without sin.  One time in fact, I was given a speeding ticket for going 35 mph in a 25mph zone.  Unfortunately for Mr. Pacman, I am not a scumbag like he is, thus gaining the right to degrade him in any way I see fit.

You might remember Adam “Pacman” Jones from the NFL draft a few years back.  He was the guy that looked and talked like Little John.  The only difference there seems to be between the two is that one is a rapper, and the other is A SCUMBAG WHO HAS SPIT IN DIFFERENT TWO GIRL’S FACES.

The greatest part about all of this is that Pacman’s lawyer says that this is a simple case of mistaken identity.  It seems that the numerous girls who saw a man spit in their friends face got it wrong.  This isn’t like remembering what your waiter looked like at dinner that night.  I am going to guess and say that if I saw a man who looked like Little John spit in my friends face, I might remember that face.
           
I wonder if Pacman ever got this message left on his voicemail.  “Hey Pacman, this is your agent.  I really need you to stop spitting in girls faces.  Once is alright, sort of funny actually, but if you do it again, people might start to think you’re a scumbag.”  If he did, he just ignored it.  Apparently Mr. Scumbag Jones was upset that a 21 year old girl didn’t want to dance with him. Maybe he didn’t understand that not every girl wants to dance with him.  There are some people of the female gender who perhaps knew that he had a small problem…WITH SPITTING IN GIRLS FACES. 
           
So what can we do?  Jones is an average to above average cornerback in the NFL.  Good CB’s in this league are more valuable to their teams then the Pizza Hut lunch buffet is to Shelly Smith, so he will be in the NFL for years to come.  Here’s my idea.  Every media outlet, every fan of the NFL, basically anyone who will ever be in contact or think about Adam “Pacman” Jones needs to change his nickname for him.  Pacman no longer fits who he is.  Sure he “eats up WR’s like Pacman does” but more then that, he is the lowest form of human on earth.  From now on he should be known as Adam “Scumbag” Jones.  Nothing would make me happier then Mike Tirico giving this call: “Kitna back to pass and he connects with a wide open Mike Furrey who beat “Scumbag” Jones on the skinny post for a touchdown.”  I don’t know if everyone calling him “Scumbag” Jones would affect the way he lives his life, but it would warn females at the clubs not to dance with him.  So next time “Scumbag” Jones is dancing up on you ladies, have one of your friends come rescue you.  Just make sure you dodge the spit coming your way.

Violent J

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