Now, I am not sure if you sports fans out there know this, but there is a certain bias towards New York sports teams and their players. You may not have realized it this NFL off-season when everybody and Sean Salisbury

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Well, fantastic, Bob Knight is going to break ol’ Dean Smith’s record for most wins all-time in NCAA basketball. Well, let me tell you who is not excited about this. Yours truly, Neil Reed. If you remember correctly, that son of a bitch Knight choked the shit out of me in 1997. I am still kind of pissed about that, although no one else seems to be. You remember that little incident this year where Knight quasi-slapped a Texas Tech Forward Michael Prince on the chin to get his attention. Well, that was similar to what he did to me, except instead of quasi-slapping me; he choked the shit out of me. Sure he wins basketball games and there is no doubt he is a Hall of Fame coach, but what about Neil Reed? I have had lingering neck problems since that incident. I can’t go to fireworks shows on July 4th because I can’t look up. I can’t go to sporting events because I can’t turn my neck and look at different parts of the court or field. I can really only focus on one basketball net when I watch a game, so I stare at an un-used basket when the teams are at the other end. I used to love bird watching, no more my friends, I can hardly look up in the trees. Everyone knows the rare yellow warbler is only found in the upper branches, so what can I do…what can Neil Reed do?

Scouts say I could have played in Europe, but I lost so much court vision with my neck mobility problems that am relegated to playing 17 years olds at the Y for 10 dollars a game. It’s pathetic and it is all because of that Bob Knight. The "General’ they call him. That’s a coincidence, because I need a general anesthetic daily because that jerk-off choked me. Don’t buy into the hype. And before you say, "You little pussy, that man is 75 years old, how much could it have really hurt?" First, he has old-man strength, which is second only to retard strength in terms of brute force. Second, this man knew what he was doing, he has choked before and goddamn it he will choke again unless people like me stand up to him. This is Neil Reed’s time to air his grievances; it is festivus season after all. So root for Bob Knight only if you are an advocate of choking young kids. Sick bastards.

Neil Reed

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Whether you like it or you don’t like it, learn to love it, because it’s the best thing going, whoooooo.  Back again, is Violent J.

I was listening to sports radio the other day in Detroit and sadly they were talking about the Lions again.  Caller after caller expressed their disgust with the management, the coaches, and the players.  But did these fans just sit there and take it?  NO WAY!!!! They began to devise this terrific plan for next week.  First, they would put on their $73.99 Roy Williams jersey, $25 fitted Detroit Lions hat along with the couple bucks it will take to make a “hilarious” Fire Millen sign.  Then they would take their $70 ticket and attend the game.  Here’s where it gets really good.  They would boo the players and coaches when bad plays occurred, begin Fire Millen chants throughout the game and finally at the end of the 3rd quarter they would stand up united and walk out of the stadium together, chanting all sorts of clever things. What a terrific plan!!! With food and gas included, you just stuck it to Matt Millen and William Clay Ford by spending over $200 on things related to the Detroit Lions!  And this march out of the stadium will be your last until they put a winner on the field right?  Oh, you’re going to come back next home game too?  But with something even more clever I’m sure, like paper bags over your heads or sporting the opposing teams colors.  As you’re doing all of these clever little gimmicks, I can just picture William Clay Ford looking like Scrooge McDuck, swimming in piles and piles of your money.  He probably uses $100 bills, your $100 bills, to plug his ears during games so he doesn’t have to listen to you. 

Here is a comparable plan; you tell me if it makes any sense.  I really don’t think there have been many good movies in theaters recently.  So to combat this, I will go and see every single movie that comes out, spend the 9-10 bucks on a ticket and spend another 5 on popcorn and soda. But, get this, at the end of the movie I will boo while the credits roll.  In fact, I may even walk out of the movie halfway through it.  Does that sound like a good idea?  Is that a good way to “stick it to” management. Only a complete idiot, devoid of intelligence or anything else to do on a Sunday except torture themselves, would confuse the actions described above as rational behavior to elicit a change.  Either a complete idiot, or a Detroit Lions fan, or Cubs fan, or Pirates fan, or an Arizona Cardinals fan, etc. 
           
“But what else can we do?”  These pathetic morons will say to you.  Well pathetic morons, listen up, here are 3 things you can do, STARTING TODAY, that will help.

1.  STOP GOING TO THE GAMES YOU IDIOTS

Let me start by giving you a list of the 3 Lions games I have attended in my 22 years on this planet:

1. Only Lions victory I’ve ever seen in person: 1991 Lions defeat Rams, Mike Utley gets paralyzed.
2. Thanksgiving game vs. the Colts in 2004, Colts win 41-9
3. Last year against the Panthers: Chris Weinke realizes that he still has a pulse and dices the Lions on a last minute drive capped by a Ricky Proehl touchdown to win 21-20.

Why would I want to go to another Lions game until they put a product on the field worth watching?  Where else in our society do people waste hard earned money on a product that they know is broken?  The only way to stick it to Ford is to stop purchasing anything that has to do with the Detroit Lions.  No tickets, no merchandise, nothing.  Ford purchased the Lions for 4.5 million dollars.  In 2005, the Lions were worth 747 million dollars.  This is all your fault stubborn Lions fan.  If you stop going to the games what is the worse thing that can happen?  You save more money, you can listen to the game on the radio if you want, hell, spend $25 instead by going to a bar and watching the “blacked out” game on the dish.  If you stop going, Ford will make changes, if you keep going, why would he make changes?  If you think Ford cares about wins and losses then you haven’t been watching the Lions for the past 42 years.

2.  DON’T BUY INTO THE FAIRWEATHER FAN THEORY

Not going to the games will earn you an unwarranted “Fair-weather Fan” label.  Well I say that the fair-weather fan brings more positive change then the “loyal” fan ever will.  In 2003, the Detroit Tigers attendance dropped to 17,103 a game.  It was not until fans stopped showing up (listening Lions fans?) that owner Mike Illitch began to actually spend money.  Was he embarrassed about the losses?  Maybe, but I think it had a lot more to do with losing money then it did with losing games.  Last season the AL champion Detroit Tigers averaged 32,048 fans.  That’s nearly 15,000 people who said they wouldn’t show up until the Tigers won. In less than 3 years, management had fixed the problem.  Look at the NBA attendance, teams like Miami and Cleveland have made drastic improvements to their teams, and as a result, people show up.  It takes people jumping ship to make any organizational change. As long as Mr. Ford fills the stadium he has no incentive to change anything.  He makes as much money as possible because the stadium is completely full, collects his NFL revenue sharing checks and continues to hire incompetent management, who in turn put incompetent players on the field. Jumping ship loses the ownership money and in the end that’s what all of this comes down to, cold hard cash.

3.  DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR SUNDAYS

Get the NFL package, join a flag football league, work out, do your homework, call your friends and family, read a book, get drunk, play checkers, get drunk and then play checkers, while reading a book.  Whatever you want to do besides watch the Lions, do it.  There are numerous things you can do to pass the time that will save you money and wasted time.  Whatever you do, just stop watching.

 Sports loyalty is something I have trouble understanding, especially at the professional level.  Who are we loyal to?  The ownership?  The players that trade teams every 2 years?  Overpaid punks who don’t care about the fans (see any story about the Cincinnati Bengals that the Angry T has written and you’ll understand better)?  As a professional sports fan, loyalty comes second to product.

Why do you even like the team in the first place, because you are from city in which the team resides?  Why should you be subjected to that type of torture just because of your place of birth?  You don’t deserve it my friend; you are good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you.  If you feel bad about disowning your team, take solace in the fact that ownership disowned you by hiring Matt Millen, or Billy King, or Isiah Thomas, depending on what awful team to which you have loyalty. If you want change, don’t buy the product, it’s that simple. 

Violent J

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You may or may not have heard, but a couple different “news outlets” are reporting that a member of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets is gay.  (check this out as well) I will preface this article by saying that this really shouldn’t even be an issue.  While one of these outlets calls it a “scandal,” I say who cares?  So the dude likes dudes, there are a lot of those guys out there.  Isn’t it reasonable to assume that at least one of the approximately 350 NBA players would be gay?  I am going to go against Todd Jones and his hilariously bigoted comments toward gays in 2002 and say more power to the guy if he thinks he can deal with all the attention he will inevitably receive. (Take a look at Shockey’s comments as well, what a clown.  You look like you are missing a chromosome or two Jeremy, not sure you would be the homosexual players’ type.) 

With all that said and my disclaimer firmly in place, I would like to introduce to the most likely candidates and allow the reader to play “Guess the Gay New Jersey Net.”

Before we begin, remember the clues, Scooby Doo style: African-American, dates Caucasian women, enjoys nightlife with teammates and friend Tyson Beckford.

5. Jeff McInnis:  Surprising pick here, but I did a little research and it turns out that Jeff is friends with Tyson Beckford. He also has a child with a Caucasian woman.  Using those clues, this could be our guy.  Unfortunately, the article above also says that the player is a “prominent” member of the New Jersey Nets.  Unless the definition of prominent has changed, he is about as “prominent” as Yinka Dare, RIP.

4. Jason Kidd: We all remember the well publicized story involving Kidd and his wife. He slapped her around a little bit, what a man. You have to ask yourself, why would anyone hit a woman this beautiful, or any woman for that matter?  Well, maybe he did it because he hates women, so much in fact, that he loves men.  The logic in those last two sentences is flawless.  There is no reason to re-read them to pick apart potential flaws because they are infallible.  With his history of hatred and violence towards women, Kidd would seem like the logical choice.  However, he is married, and the story makes light of the fact that he has “been linked to many women in the past.”  This disqualifies Kidd, despite my air-tight argument to the contrary.

3. Marcus Williams: The best pure point in the 2006 NBA draft fell all the way to the 22nd pick where he was selected by the Nets.  Very few people thought that Williams would fall this far and New Jersey was very happy to get him at this pick.  Now some may see that slip as a result of the other teams not looking for or needing a point guard.  Others would argue that Williams’ character issues after he stole laptops from UConn dorm rooms made some teams shy away.  I would argue, because this article makes more sense if I do, that Williams fell because teams knew about his late nights with Tyson Beckford and his potential propensity for dudes.  The other teams refused to risk the negative publicity from homophobic fans once Williams was outed.  One strike against Williams as the homosexual in question is that he really has never received any publicity for canoodling with Caucasian women.  In fact, he hasn’t made any publicity for canoodling with any woman, which both confirms and disconfirms his case as the player in question.  For the moment, we will assume that Williams is not the gay New Jersey Net, because the next two Nets probably fit the profile a little bit better than ol’ Marcus.

2. Vince Carter:  Vince is an intriguing option for the gay New Jersey Net.  He definitely would fulfill the “prominent” qualification.  I have also unearthed a piece of evidence that I find particularly damning for Carter.   Fredric Weis, the 7’2” French center can confirm that Carter enjoys putting his testicles directly on the forehead of other men.  This piece of evidence alone could confirm Carter as the Net in question.  However, besides Carter’s obvious propensity for forehead/testicle action, and friendship with Tyson Beckford, Carter has a daughter with current wife Dr. Ellen Rucker-Carter.  Mrs. Rucker-Carter is an African-American, which would go against what we know about the gay New Jersey Net.  Even though Wikipedia reports that Carter recently filed for divorce with Mrs. Rucker-Carter, I begrudgingly remove Carter from contention based on the fact that he doesn’t match the criteria quite as well as the final player on our list.

Drum roll please… you have probably already identified the person that I will now make a case for as the gay New Jersey Net.  You are probably also thinking that I could have saved the previous 750 words and you could have saved the last 10 minutes of your life. 

1. Obviously, Richard Jefferson is the gay New Jersey Net.  He is prominent, he has been associated with Caucasian women in the past, namely his Ex-girlfriend and model, Teresa Lourenco, and although there are no pictures of him with Tyson Beckford, they are reportedly friends. The fact that he broke up with that girl makes me think that he might be gay. After that fact, I am starting to think that this “breaking story” really isn’t that surprising at all. 

While there are no definitive answers to the question, we have, at the very least, identified the contenders and the long shots.  Honestly, I don’t care who it is, and I don’t care if he is gay, but given the opportunity in a different situation I would play “Guess the (Blank)” again and again.  My next article could be “Guess the Person Least Deserving of his Position in Sports,” with all five entries as Matt Millen.  After that, maybe “Guess the Most Pathetic Franchise in Sports,” with all five entries as the Lions.  How about “Guess the Next Athlete to Commit a Murder,” with four entries for Chris Henry and one for Tank Johnson. (Check this out too, funny stuff)  By the way, who knew Tank’s name had less to do with his physical stature than his artillery collection. That’s taking Y2K preparation to the next level. Personally, my bathtub has been filled with water for 6 years. Now, back to the topic at hand. Finally, I will write an article called “Most Likely to Offend a Significant Amount of People with this Column,” with 5 separate pictures of yours truly.

The Angry T

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Can somebody please trade for Allen Iverson? This is situation has rocketed past joke, past conundrum, and is heading straight towards catastrophe.  I am not an NBA GM, but if I keep telling people that I have to trade Allen Iverson, and then I keep waiting and waiting, doesn’t that weaken my bargaining position?  At this point, I am thinking of entering the Allen Iverson sweepstakes.  I have a pack of brand new tube-socks and the Apple IIe that I am currently typing on.  Apparently, Philadelphia can’t get the deal they want or they would have already traded him. Hopefully Billy King is starting to realize that he is probably not going to get full market value for AI.  In fact, he is probably going to get an offer similar to my tube sock deal. All the other teams have the 76ers over a barrel.  They have to trade AI—it’s not like they have another option.  The most hilarious part of this entire situation is how terrible the 76ers are without him. 

This Kyle Korver-led group of misfits could very well be the worst group of players ever assembled. This is a Bad News Bears-esque cavalcade of one-dimensional bums without Walter Mathau or an inevitable story-book ending and “Let them play” chant.  No, this situation will end poorly for the Sixers and Billy King, who is a stiff competitor for Matt Millen for the ESPY given to the most deserving firing/tar/feathering/shovel to the testicles of 2006. To be honest, this team is pretty awful even with AI. They have lost 11 in a row, 6 without Iverson, 14 out of their last 15, and 20 out of their last 22.  To call that streak terrible is to disparage the word “terrible.”

I love how the media and Billy King are saying that “It just didn’t work out with AI in Philadelphia.”  That may be true you clown, but look who you surrounded him with. It’s no accident that it didn’t work out, it’s because you are an awful GM.  Just look at the roster. Samuel Dalembert plays with oven mitts on.  I am not even sure he has fingers.  It is mind-boggling that a player can be in the NBA for 5 years and not learn a single post move.  How about a drop step? Maybe a baby hook?  I can honestly teach you a baby hook in one afternoon, Samuel. Go to Pete Newell Big Man Camp over the summer for Christ sake.  But don’t worry Sam, Kyle Korver is here to pick up the slack for you.  I understand he is a fantastic shooter, but how about the fact that he is useless—and I do mean useless—in every other facet of the game. How is this type of player ever going to bring this team over the top? It would be great if he were a role player who could come in just to knock down a few shots, but that bum plays 31 minutes a game.  Who the hell is he guarding for those 31 minutes? I won’t even make the Ashton Kutcher reference because Kutcher flat out plays better D.  And what can you even say about Chris Webber?  Pretty decent player in NBA Jam, Billy, but this is real life pal.  Patrick Ewing as a Seattle Supersonic thinks this guy has lost a step.  Again, he would be great coming off the bench, providing scoring and rebounding, but he plays 31 minutes a game as well.  What the hell would happen if both Korver and Webber were on the floor at the same time?  The nets would burst into flames and the scoreboard would explode because the numbers don’t go over 200 and Webber and Korver give up 188 between them.   Maybe this is why the 76ers have the 2nd worst point differential in the league, behind the other place that Allen Iverson refuses to play, Charlotte. But don’t worry AI, Billy King has also given you Kevin Ollie, Steven Hunter and Willie Green.  I have checked each and every fantasy roster in America, and none of those players showed up. Andre Iguodala has the chance to be a great player, but he is not a viable second option at 22 years old.

A very quick look at the personnel around AI shows that the people who are saying, “It just didn’t work out,” are dirty, dirty liars.  That statement implies that management actually gave it a chance to succeed.  That’s like having Charlie Weis take care of your dog while you go on vacation.  Of course he is going to eat the dog; it’s just second nature for such a hungry man.  Both situations, AI in Philly and Weis with your dog, were doomed to fail before they even began.  So go ahead Billy King, swallow your pride and make the trade.  I am upping my offer to include a pack of cigarettes.  Think about it pal.

The Angry T

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I wish wholeheartedly that Joey Porter was a member of the Detroit Lions.  They would still be terrible, but at least we would have the most entertaining player in the league.  His shtick the last few years was priceless.  Whether he was guaranteeing victory, threatening lives, or just talking trash, the guy was entertaining as hell and the media ate his comments up.  I am going to run down a few reasons why this man is a better human than Mother Teresa and more patriotic than George Washington. 

He is a politician.  How about this quote? (On meeting the President after the Superbowl win): “Yeah, I got something to say to Bush, I’m going to have a swagger when I walk in there, too. I’m looking forward to it. I have something to tell him, too. I don’t like the way things are running right now. I feel like he has to give me some of my money back.”  What a patriot.  He doesn’t just hate from the sidelines.  He goes right up to ol’ GW and gives him the business.  That’s democracy right there; what an American.  The guy who wrote Hulk Hogan’s “Real American” entrance music would be proud.

He raises pit bulls.  Two of which killed a minature horse in his neighborhood.  Did he feed them?  Who knows?  All you need to know is that minature horses should not get so close to Joey Porter’s dogs.  Even if the dogs did break lose from their pen and hunt the minature horse like prey and kill them.  Still, why does that person own a minature horse?  Why not a regular sized horse?  The answer, of course, is because they are probably terrorists.  Couple that with Joey Porter’s undying Patriotism and you have a dead minature horse.

He has been shot… in the ass. It doesn’t really matter though, I still respect him at least 1.5 times more just because he has been shot at all. 

He is News-worthy.  There is a website called http://joey-porter-news.newslib.com/.  A specific website is updated with news stories only related to Joey Porter.  And it’s not like there are only a few entires either, this guy is making news weekly.  “Joey Porter Apologizes for Comments,” “Joey Porter could avoid testifying,” “Joey Porter is Latest to Drop the F-Bomb,” “Kellen Winslow Will Pray for Joey Porter.”  Great headlines, great human being. 

If you read all of the articles you probably stumbled along what made me write this column.  Joey Porter apologized for comments he made about Kellen Winslow Jr.  Before I go on, this is what makes this guy great.  He can easily recognize the clowns in the NFL and then go right after them.  Kellen Winslow, of course, is the loser whose post-game tirade got him national attention in after he referred to a game as “war” and himself as a “soldier.”  He also said he tries to kill the people he plays against. Just watch. He ended up getting drafted in the first round by the Cleveland Browns.  He promptly got into a motorcycle accident while trying to do a stunt and messed up his knee in 2004.  Then he blew out his other knee last year during a drill.  He has been pretty unspectacular this year, but still felt it necessary to talk trash to Joey Porter prior to last weekend’s game.  I can’t even begin to tell you how angry it makes me that a guy who has done nothing—and I mean nothing—in his three year career feels the need to talk trash to an All-Pro linebacker before the game.  I should also mention, as the vein in my forehead hemorrhages, that the game meant absolutely nothing, as the Browns are 4-9.  If I could fake wanting an autograph from Winslow, Taser him in the testicles, and get away with it, I would.  Back to my original point.  Porter took umbrage with Winslow’s comments and said this.  Whether you agree with the use of the word “fag” or not, you have to agree that Winslow exudes many stereotypical characteristics of a homo-sexual.  Limp wrists, prancing run…all the signs are there.  But he never plays, so no one can actually confirm or disconfirm any of the rumors.  All jokes aside, Porter is correct.  There is no way Winslow should be talking trash about anyone.  Porter apologized for the use of the word “fag” and said (I love this) “I only meant to offend Winslow.” That is a fantastic apology… wait, is it even an apology?  Michael Richards should take a page out of Porter’s book and apologize to the black community by saying, “I only meant to offend the blacks that were heckling me.”  I am sure that would smooth things over.

All of these factors aside, Porter used to do the throat slash (ala “The Undertaker” before he delivered the Tombstone Piledriver) when he would make a sack or a big tackle.  There is no better celebration than pretending that you have just killed the runner or quarterback by slitting this throat.  That is, unless his next celebration is a mock sneaking up behind the QB, Navy Seal choking him out, and then fake pulling the body over to the sideline and hiding it behind the first down markers.  Even Gilbert “Grave Digger” Brown would be proud if he were alive today.  Think about it Porter.

The Angry T   

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I really wanted to make light of the fact that another Cincinnati Bengal got arrested last weekend.

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