Putting the whole Tank Johnson situation aside, there is another pretty intriguing storyline for the weekend’s action.  If you have turned on a TV or read a newspaper in the last six and a half days, you know that Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts are set to take on the New England Patriots.  Peyton Manning will get another shot at redemption and a chance to advance to the Super Bowl.  This is a guy who will most likely set every passing record that the NFL keeps track of.  This is the most recognizable face in the NFL.  This is the most used endorser among NFL players and this is a guy who currently collecting on a 100 million dollar contract.  That being said, you would think that this guy was playing for his life this week against New England ala Kurt Russell in the basketball scene from “Escape from L.A.”

 I actually heard a commentator on Chicago Sports radio say that If Peyton Manning loses this game that he can kiss all of his endorsements goodbye.  The part that almost made my head explode was that the other people on the show did not correct him.  This was an ESPN 1000 program, this wasn’t Wayne and Garth out in Aurora, these clowns are supposed to be professionals.  Manning hasn’t won anything, yet he is already the NFL’s poster boy.  Why would losing again, in the AFC championship mind you, change that?  More importantly, it is not like he has been losing to a wheel-chair football team.  He lost to the eventual Super-Bowl Champions on three separate occasions.  With all the talk to pressure on Peyton Manning you would think that Bill Belichick was holding a scared Eli Manning ransom in an undisclosed location.   With everyone touchdown he throws Peyton yells, “Give me back my Son!!!!, I mean brother.”  Either that or Tom Brady is threatening to use his unstoppable masculinity and good looks to woo Peyton’s wife.  In either case, there is a ton of pressure on Peyton in this game.   

I really can’t wait to see the reaction if Peyton Manning does end up wining this game.  “Well, John, I think it was obvious how good Peyton Manning has been all these years and it was only a matter of time before he broke through and made it to the SuperBowl.”  Yeah pal, you were with him all along.  This is what you probably should say, “Well John, I am a huge douchebag for doubting Peyton all these years. In all honestly I have flip-flopped my opinion on Peyton between 10-15 times in the last 2 weeks.  Basically, 90 percent of what I say is filler, so you really can’t blame me for any idiotic comments I have made.  I wonder if Belichick has given Peyton his brother back yet after the win.”  I am not saying he is going to end up winning 4 Superbowls, (although I do think he will beat the Pats today), but this guy obviously has the tools to win.  He is not without blame in the playoff losses but you can also give a lot of credit to the Patriots and Steelers for playing great football en route to beating very good Colts team.   Also, blame Nick Harper’s wife for stabbing him and that “idiot kicker” who missed a 40 yard field goal by 32 yards.  Don’t worry Mike, I am sure professional kicker offers a lot of transferrable skills into the job market.  And at the very least, you can always fall back on your degree from…uh oh….West Virginia.

The Angry T
           

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With the NFL conference championships upon us this weekend, there are a quite a few intriguing storylines revolving around this weekend’s action.  One of which is of particular interest to me because the ourageousness of the situation spits directly in the face of common sense.  This the curious case of everyone’s favorite card carrying NRA activist, Tank Johnson.

The Bears defensive frontline will be tact this weekend, but not without a bit of front office excuse making and rationalization.  Let us not forgot that no more than a two months ago, Tank Johnson was being indicted on charges of possessing unregistered assault weapons following a police raid on his home in suburban Chicago.  Surely, as a repeat offender, this man needs help.  At least that was the sentiment of ownership and any other person with a modicum of common sense.  That sentiment prevailed until the Bears front office realized that if Tank was suspended and got the help and perspective that he needs, the Bears would be without a defensive tackle playing at a Pro Bowl level.  So, with a 180 degree about face, the Bears changed their tune and reinstated Johnson and allowed ol’ Tank to take his mind off guns and the murder of his bodyguard, strap on a helmet and make a game changing sack of Matt Hasselbeck in the games waning moments.  The sack forced overtime and the rest, as they say, is history as the Bears advanced to the conference championship on a Robbie Gould field goal. 

Does anyone else find something wrong with this picture? Wrong picture.  Either way, the first question (maybe the most important), is why does Tank Johnson require a military level of artillery at his home?  I lack the patience to even try to decipher this question taking into account that Tank Johnson is a 330 pound professional athlete.  However, I do not lack the 8th grade problem solving skills necessary to recognize why he is still on the field.  Concessions have always been made for skilled players almost regardless of their offenses.  Tank Johnson met with Bears brass and outlined a number of things that he wanted to change in his life.  (Hopefully number 1 was deadly assault rifles and number two was being involved in murders) Bears GM, Jerry Angelo played Dr. Frasier Crane (Sorry wrong British sounding guy) and said that Tank was a good guy who made a few mistakes.  Lovie Smith even went as far to say, "Has Tank made some bad decisions? We all have.”  Have you Lovie?  Maybe we need to check your record; I was unaware that you had several gun charges in your past.  This isn’t forgetting to pick Johnny up after soccer practice, this is gun charges and involvement in shootings and murders.

I know this is not a groundbreaking statement but, “Where is the accountability?” Like I said, I am no psychologist, but if you just keep letting stuff like assault rifles and involvement in fights that lead to murder go, what is this guy going to do next?  Illegal dog fighting ring?  Quadruple homicide?  Construction of a Death Star?  I can show you Darryl Strawberry of Doc Gooden’s rap sheet if you don’t believe me, this stuff only gets worse.  But alas, despite my ranting and raving, Tank Johnson will be on the field this Sunday, and in all likelihood the team will find legal loophole to allow him to leave the state should they make it to the SuperBowl.  That’s right, he is not allowed to leave the state without a judge’s permission right now due to his gun charge, but he is allowed to play for the Bears, go figure.  But please believe I will be one saying I told you so when Tank Johnson fashions a Doctor Evil style “LASER” that threatens to exterminate the human race.    

The Angry T

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It seems that Mark Mcquire’s swollen steroid fingers have been particularly advantageous for the The Tenacious E.  It looks as if Mark McGwire attempted to send this e-mail to Shawne Merriman only to be foiled by his bloated fingers.  Don’t worry, I have e-mailed him dozens of links to online stores where they sell keyboards for full-figured women and steroid users alike.

Dear Shawne,

Hey buddy it’s me, Big Mac!

You remember me? I was that guy that played with Jose Canseco back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, then all of a sudden plumped like a ball park hot dog and started socking dingers in every direction. For a while there, I was the biggest thing in all of sports. I got all kinds of TV face time, got articles written about how much I loved my son….SI even ran a story about how bad I was at golf. I mean they could have written that story about 50 million different Americans and they chose me. I was really something. But I’m not here to talk about the past.

Since this “steroid” thing has come into the picture, I’ve fallen out of favor with the America public. Everyone assumes I’m some kind of monster who cheated my way to all the success I had. I thought that maybe I still had a decent image until the Hall of Fame vote results were announced and I was kept out despite my 583 career home runs (7th best ever!) and my former standing as America’s darling. Personally, I blame the media. It seems like I’m chastised in articles and on TV as a prime example of the shameless superstar forged during the steroids era.

I was thinking that maybe I needed some good PR, like a campaign video interspersed with clips of me hitting home runs, hugging my son, and rescuing kittens out of trees to send to national media outlets, but then I realized maybe I should just talk to you.

See, ESPN decided to play Joe Buck-I mean God-and force the idea that I somehow morally bankrupted society down their large audiences throats, yet you get praised and hyped more than ever since your “return” from “missing time” to the Chargers seemed to spark their defense. I really can’t figure out how or why that happened, but I thought maybe you could lend me some insight and help get these two all beef patties a little bit of that special sauce back!

Seriously, I was watching ESPN the other day and saw some highlights of you attacking quarterbacks in that ferocious manner that only a partially roid-raged man can…or so I’ve heard I wouldn’t know from experience. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were narrating the video, and they both seemed awestruck and dumbfounded by your incredible strength, your high energy style, and the mean streak you displayed on so many of your explosive, powerful rushes at the quarterback. I kept waiting for them to say something like, “It’s no wonder he can play like that, his BSC (blood-steroid content) is .36.  That could kill a horse Tom.” But instead they both resoundingly declared you their defensive player of the year! I don’t know if you’ve got compromising photos of Boomer and TJ together or what, but you gotta tell me how I can get a free pass like that! I mean I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard announcers mention how you ended up with 17 sacks this season, despite “missing” four games. Maybe my swollen head just affects my hearing, but I don’t think I’ve caught anyone mentioning the fact that you didn’t “miss” four games, you were suspended for those four games because you got caught using steroids. Somehow they talk about your missing those games like it was a sprained ankle or something, but no one mentions my home run totals without the “but he was probably on steroids” caveat. How the hell do you do it Mr. Merriman?

I mean you’ve got a free pass after a confirmed violation, for some reason, when I’m a villain because of rumors. For a while I thought maybe that was the reason…that you dropped your appeal, and took your medicine (no pun intended) instead of trying to hide things…but I mean really, I used to conduct interviews from my locker with a visible bottle of Andro sitting on the shelf. Shouldn’t that count for something? You get to start in your sport’s All-Star game despite and be glorified by “experts” everywhere despite a rap sheet with the league, and I get kept out the hall because of rumors.
I’m just out of ideas for ways I can make myself an admirable figure again, and figured you would be the expert on how to do that. For whatever reason the same journalists who kept me out of the Hall of Fame voted you to the All-Pro squad and almost voted you as defensive player of the year, even though you’ve actually been proven guilty (by the way I’m not saying I did anything because, as I mentioned before, I’m not here to talk about the past). Hell, they’d probably vote you into the two-year player HOF right now if there was one.

I just want to know how you keep public opinion on your side and the media drooling over your rippling, unnaturally-aided muscles. Are they afraid you’re going to punch them? Does it even have anything to do with you at all?

Actually, now that I think about it I guess it doesn’t. Somehow people like God-I mean Joe Buck-and TJ and Boomer turned me into a villain and you into a hero. Next time one of them tries to caress your bicep, crack them in the head for me, will you?

Your “Bash Brother,”
Mark McGwire

Tenacious E

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Ron Mexico has struck again.

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With The Angry T now a part of the National Lampoon Humor Network, and the site continuing to gain popularity, it was made very clear to me by management that I needed to step my game up.  So I deleted my article on Rebecca Lobo, hid my article on Rec Specs under my bed and didn’t even consider starting to write an article on why Bastion Booger would be an All-Pro Center in the NFL.  I knew that none of my ideas would be good enough anymore to meet the high standards The Angry T has come to expect.  With my career on the line, I knew I had to break a big story.  So I did what I had to do (you don’t want to know) and got my hands on ESPN’s upcoming Spring TV line-up.  Here are some of the new shows ESPN is bringing to you in a few short months:

- 5 Reasons you can’t blame the Pizza Hut lunch buffet for Charlie Weiss.
Trey Wingo hosts this show, which is Rated MA for mature audiences (due to graphic pictures of Weiss being forced away from the buffet line/ knocking over salad bar, but not before downing the jars of Ranch and Thousand Island dressing.  Similar to this. )

- Through the Lisp: Lou Holtz
After the success of the ESPN’s Docudrama Through the Fire: Sebastian Telfair, ESPN executives are trying to see if lightning will strike twice.  You’ll cry as you watch Lou Holtz attend speech therapy classes while Lee Corso and Chris Fowler tease him unmercifully.  Will he ever broadcast an Ole Miss-LSU without being laughed off the set?  A powerful documentary that every 3rd grader in speech class should see.

- What Would You Do If You Owned Gheorge Muresan?
Each week one lucky fan will be given Gheorge Muresan for a full 24 hours.  Gheorge will do whatever you want him to do.  Can you imagine the possibilities this show can produce?  I know what I would do if I got on this show……take the rim down to 8 feet, have Muresan stand under the basket with his hands up, and proceed to give him facials for the next 24 hours. 

- SportsCentury: Gil Thorpe
Finally a great coach gets his due.  The talented football, basketball and baseball coach of Milford High School has been through a lot, and this SportsCentury is sure to get to the bottom of it all. Gil’s terrible herion addiction and his propensity for R. Kelly-esque escapades with Milford cheerleaders will be uncovered.   Special interviews with Brenda Starr, Dagwood Bumstead and The Lockhorns. Gil’s baby momma Mary Worth is also set to appear as she is none too pleased about the 200 grand in back child support Gil owes her.           

- The Sports Tonight Show with Mark May
I haven’t heard too many good things about this one from the early critics, but ESPN is hoping 2 particular segments on May’s nightly show really take off:

1. 2005 USC Trojan Team vs. ‘98 Chicago Bulls, Nazi Regime, Dinosaurs…

-Mark May picks the 2005 USC team every night over a different team, country, species, etc. (“I just don’t think a Triceratops could stop Dwayne Jarret."

2. Nightly Prank call to Trev Albert

-This show is also set to include a nightly prank call to Trev Albert. Mark May will pretend to be different ESPN executives, and offer Trev Albert his job back….just to laugh and hang up each time Albert accepts.

 

- Joe Millionaire: NBA Edition
ESPN gives us more great reality TV with this one.  20 lovely ladies believe that they will be fighting for the heart of former NBA All-Star and Millionaire Shawn Kemp.  What they don’t know is that Shawn has wasted all his money on child support and blow and no longer has any money.  Will the women be in it for true love?  Sam Perkins and 16 of Kemp’s children make cameo appearances in this spring’s potential hit.

They don’t call them the World Wide Leader for nothing.

-Violent J

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I have seen this movie before and it always ends with a camera shot 4 inches away from Peyton Manning’s face.  To begin with, can you imagine someone putting a camera that close to your face after the most disappointing moment of your career/life?   You heard Randy Johnson, or Kenny Rogers.  Get that shit out of here. Getting back to the point, the movie is set to play everyone knows the ending; it’s just a matter of time before it plays out. 

If success in the playoffs before the championship game is an indication of how well Peyton will do in said championship game, this year might be his best shot.  In 2003, before his complete and utter befuddlement at the hands of New England Patriots, Peyton was 44-56 for 681 yards and 8 touchdowns in two games against KC and Denver.  Peyton came in riding high and left New England with 4 picks, a handful of tissues and a better understanding of the phrase “dry-hump.”   In 2004, Peyton beat the hell out of the Broncos again in route to throwing for 457 yards and 4 TD’s.  Again Peyton walked into Foxboro and promptly deposited a large steaming deuce right on those things that look like hammers with lightning bolts coming out of them on the sidelines.  Of course the Colts lost again, 20-3, and again Peyton descended into the seventh circle of hell and met this man. 

But this year, Peyton has been god-awful in the playoffs.  This guy thinks that Peyton needs to throw the ball a little bit better.   1 TD, 5 picks in the two games thus far.  He has played well before going into New England and walked out like this.   So maybe he needs to go into NE playing like this guy.  Nothing has worked for the Colts so far so what the hell are the Pats going to game plan for.  Peyton falling down?  Peyton throwing picks?  Peyton getting dry-humped.  I could watch film on that all day. 

Either way, the movie is in the dvd player, play has been pressed.  It is just a matter of whether the pimply faced blockbuster kid put porn in the dvd case by accident.  And if he did, I hope it is this.
    

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I was delighted to hear today that Joe Buck alerted the entire nation that he is very unfamiliar with fractions.  In the second quarter of the Bears-Seahawks game, Joe Buck and colorman Troy Aikman were discussing how the players chose a different cleat size due to the field conditions at Soldier Field.  The discussion came down to whether a 5/8 –inch cleat or a ½ -inch cleat would be the best choice for this game in light of the current field conditions.  Aikman explained that many of the players chose to wear 5/8” cleats instead of their normal ½”.   Then Joe Buck unloaded a bomb of comedic genius by stating that, “I wish I knew what was bigger, ½ or 5/8.”   Absolutely hilarious Joe, I especially liked the part where your partner worked the “give and take” that is essential between broadcasters, and went completely silent.  Not even the great signal caller like Troy Aikman had a response to your Jim Brewer-esque sense of humor.  Just in case America or Troy failed to hear your terrible joke, you went on to repeat it.  Only this time, just to make sure that everyone knew you were joking, you laughed at the end of your statement. 

All of this humor from a guy who had to be restrained from putting a bullet in Randy Moss following his fake mooning of Green Bay fans following a touchdown.  Joe, I believe you called it a “disgusting act.”  Well, you know what I find disgusting? Announcers, pre-game guys, and everyone else in the production process for a sporting event trying to turn a game into an uproariously hilarious episode of Step-by-Step, Dinosaurs, or SeaQuest…too soon?

Give it a break fellas, if I wanted to laugh I would watch this.  In the spirit of idiocy and dead-air filling nonsensical streams of drivel emanating from the mouth of Joe Buck and the like, The Angry T will now feature a weekly article called, “Overheard in the Booth.”  This article will cover a few hilarious un-thought out quotes and clips from the announcers that we all love to critique.  Look for it coming soon.  By the way, now that we are featured on the National Lampoon Humor Network, this site is officially a big deal, so you no longer have to be ashamed to read it.  Just thought I would let you know. 

–The Angry T

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