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If you were to make a list of the biggest bad-asses in the history of the world, a few names would immediately come to mind.  How about when Jesus fought King Kong in a bear-knuckle boxing match, beat him and taught him sign language and made this movie to tell the tale (check the bible its in there too.)  What about the time when this guy led our forces into Iraq in the early 90’s and wiped the floor big bad Saddam Huessin.  I think we all remember an aging arm wrestler won the nation’s heart, custody of his son and one bitchin’ big rig.  But even those aforementioned gentlemen cannot hold a candle to the badass of the year and possibly the biggest badass in the history of life.

Maybe you remember Rulon Gardner from the 2000 Summer Olympics held in Sydney.  He beat the heavily favored Russian Alexander Karelin to win the Greco-Roman wrestling gold medal.  To say that Karelin was the heavy favorite is an understatement.  Karelin had never lost, not once, to anyone, ever. He was unbeaten in international competition from 1987-2000, and at the time no one had scored a point on him in 6 years.  Now here comes all 130 kg of Rulon Gardner to spoil the party.  I was actually angry that Gardner won.  I could care less about an American winning the gold; there is something to be said for a guy who hasn’t lost since the invention of VHS Pornography being able to remain undefeated.  However, beating a guy who had won 3 straight gold medals and hadn’t lost in 15 years is only the beginning of Rulon’s bad-ass-ness.

In 2002, Gardner was stranded while snowmobiling and nearly died of exposure.  He ended up losing a toe due to frost-bite.  In 2004, he was struck by an automobile while riding his motorcycle, flipped head-long over the handle bars and dislocated his wrist.  But would that stop the ol’ dairy farm hand from winning a spot in the Athens Olympics? Of course not.  Sans toe and healthy wrist, Gardner won the 2004 U.S. Olympic Trials and eventually won the bronze medal at the Olympics.  But winning the U.S. Olympic Trials and the bronze medal without a toe or a located wrist is only about one half of what makes Rulon Gardner an uber bad-ass.

On February 25, 2007, Rulon Gardner was flying with two friends above Good Hope Bay on the Utah-Arizona border.  As per Rulon’s luck, the plane crashed in Good Hope Bay in 44 degree water.  The plane sank and all three men were forced to swim for over an hour before they found the shore.  Gardner was forced to ditch his luggage (and shoes) in the sinking plane and was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans.  The men were forced to attempt to take shelter and wait until help found them.  They were found the next day and all three escaped without serious injury.  Just so you know, it would only take a non-uber bad-ass 30 minutes to develop hypothermia in 44 degree water. 

With several near-death experiences and the disposal of Ivan Drago’s brother in the ring, it should come as no surprise that Gardner is a motivational speaker.  With all of the miracles this guy has pulled off as a base, I have started to write the Newest Testament about this guy (look for it this fall in all participating Dollar Tree and Fashion Bug locations).  Feel free to pick up a copy.  If you need any more proof of Gardner’s transcendent bad-associty, check chapter 6 verse 3 where Gardner Greco-Roman wrestles both Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer to the ground and rubs his disgusting amputated toe in both their faces.  Badass.

The Angry T 
 

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Before I say what I am going to say, let me clarify one thing: we all have problems.  To look at someone’s disgusting vices and habits without first acknowledging your own is simply wrong.  So before I bash my good friend, The Angry T himself, let me tell you about my own dirty little sport secrets.

• I have masturbated to this picture of Ruthie Bolton-Holifield
• I have attended Women’s Field Hockey matches on more then one occasion
• I cried during Chief Illiniwek’s last dance ( what’s next?  De-segregating the bathrooms?)

Ok there you go, laugh all you want, I am not ashamed.  The Angry T, he’s the one who should be ashamed.  Today, I was watching flipping between Michigan-Minnesota and Notre Dame-Marquette basketball games when The Angry T flipped to a program that I thought no one could possibly enjoy: The NFL Scouting Combine.  At first I thought he had made a mistake, probably just hit the wrong button.  What I found out next has disturbed me more then even this.  The Angry T, and many other people, actually enjoy watching this garbage.  I watched for about a half hour before I attempted to stick my head in the garbage disposal.  A few observations:

• Today’s combine session featured Offensive Linemen, Tight Ends and Kickers.  That’s right, KICKERS.  What are these guys being tested for?  “Ok kickers, we need to see how fast you can tie your shoes, lotta scouts up in the stands, lets give em a show and do some double knots.”

• Watching players run 40 times was a little depressing for a former athlete (using the term very loosely) like myself.  I am okay with guys like Adrian Petersen and Reggie Bush being much, much faster then me.  But watching Allen Barbre (6 foot 4, 300 lbs) run a 4.84 40 was too much for me to handle.  How the hell am I slower then these guys?  Everyone knows that fat people are good at some things, like eating, bowling and dying prematurely, but they should not be allowed to be faster then me. 

• The room where players were bench pressing 225 pounds was absolutely packed with scouts.  Why exactly do these scouts need to be there?  If you told me that Joe Thomas of Wisconsin bench pressed 225 lbs 35 times I know that he is stronger then some other guy who only did 25 reps.  The only cool thing about watching fat guys’ bench press is listening to the spotter act like a drill sergeant and threaten to kill their sisters if they don’t do 1 more rep.  Unfortunately the kickers were not required to do the 225, which would have been some real entertainment.

• By far my favorite moment of this viewing was watching Offensive Linemen partake in the broad jump.  Take a minute break from reading this article and think of a time when you have seen an offensive lineman, hell ANYONE playing football broad jump during a game?  Who cares how far these guys can broad jump?  When Rich Eisen asked one of his analyst why the broad jump was an important event, no one could even give him an answer, and one went so far as to say that it in fact did not really matter, priceless.   

• While I don’t enjoy watching the NFL Combine, I think I would definitely watch a combine for non- football players.  Aren’t you curious how some of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge contestants would fare in these tests?  How fast is Wes?  Sub 5?  How many times could Beth bench press 225?  Also, how would my favorite WWE superstars compare to these future NFL players?  Would the Model Rick Martel but up similar numbers at the combine as the pretty boy kickers?  Is Joe Thomas made up of the same physical tools as say Mabel (Pictured Left)?

All in all, watching the NFL combine was the worst experience of my life.  I just can’t understand why anyone would waste their time watching these guys get tested for skills that really have no effect on whether or not they will have a good NFL career.  But to each their own, if you like watching it, then by all means watch it.  But you won’t see me watching another second of this garbage, I have a “date” with Mrs. Bolton-Holifield.

-Violent J

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The University of Illnois refuses to stay out of the spotlight.  Last week a car driven by Illinois guard Jamar Smith struck a tree.  The passenger in that car was Brian Carwell, freshman center on the Illinois team.  Carwell suffered a serious concussion and was in critical condition following the accident.  At the time of the crash, the details were unclear and it just seemed like an accident on an icy road.  That’s why they call them accidents right?  No one to blame here. 

Except that it wasn’t just the snowy conditions that caused ol’ Jamar to run his Lexus (“where there’s smoke there’s probably fire”) into a tree.  Jamar’s blood alcohol of .176 was more than twice the legal limit of .08.  That is not even the impressive part of this story.  I am sure there comes a point in everyone’s life you when you realize you have really screwed up.  At that point you have a couple of choices: 1. Quit while you are behind.  Admit your mistake, and take the punishment. 2.  Attempt to rectify your mistake by making several more mistakes.  Jamar dove headlong into number 2. 

He backed the car out of the tree and drove home.  He parked his car at his apartment, went into his home and went to bed. Oh did I forget something?  Oh yeah, the unconscious person in passenger seat.  Brian Cardwell had suffered a serious concussion in the crash and Jamar Smith called absolutely no one.  He just drove the car home and left his friend to die in the passenger seat. Jamar thought that he friend was dead and he figured he would be dead in the morning, so why not leave his ass in the car.  Thankfully for Carwell, someone saw Smith’s damaged Lexus pull into the parking lot with an unconscious man in the passenger seat and called the police. 

Can you even imagine the scene? You and your buddies are having a little house party in the adjacent apartment complex.  You hear metal dragging on pavement about a block away and a car that looked like it just hit a tree pulling in the parking lot.  The car parks at a 45 degree angle in the lot and a drunk and injured man staggers towards his door.  More than a half hour later Jamar has the key in the lock and he makes it in the door.  Unfortunately for Jamar, this is not the game of “Tag”, there is no home base where you can’t be tagged or prosecuted. (That is an interesting concept though, if you think about it, more on that later)  So the party goers make their way over to the damage car and see a nearly dead gentleman.  I wish I was at that party and I could have knocked on Jamar Smith’s door and attempted to have a dialogue with him. 

“Hey, Jamar. Yeah, hi how are doing?  Great, yeah, not sure if you know, but there is an almost dead guy in your car, and he is bleeding from the skull.  It looks like it is getting all over the upholstery.  You know, just thought I would mention it because we are neighbors.  Anything I can do?  Oh okay, you’ll take care of it in the morning? Great,okay, just wanted to let you know.  Alrite, have a great night.

That is called compounding your mistakes ladies and gentlemen.  Not just drunk driving.  Not just getting into a car accident while drunk.  Not just nearly killing your passenger in a drunk driving accident.  Jamar Smith drove drunk, got into accident, nearly killed his passenger, left the scene of the accident drunk, and then went home and left his passenger in the car for dead. 

This isn’t, “Sorry I broke your chair last night dude, I was soooo drunk.”  This is, “Sorry I got into an accident and nearly killed you and then left you for dead.” No wonder this guy is taking the rest of the season off.  In my opinion he should take the rest of his life off.  He is a perfect candidate for my sterilization/euthanization program.  Either that or my radical “Role Reversal,” punishment where Brian Carwell would get to drive a car full speed into a tree with Jamar Smith in the passenger seat.  Carwell will wear an astronaut suit to avoid injury.  Carwell will also have the choice of leaving an injured Smith in the car overnight to die. I have e-mailed my congressman and with the speed of today’s information super-highway my idea should be law by Monday.  Look for the “Made for TV” special “Now it’s my turn to get drunk, run my car into a tree, nearly kill you and leave you for dead.”  Look for this blockbuster on Fox in the timeslot immediately following, “When Hungry Tigers are deliberately released at the Special Olympics.”

The Angry T
 

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First of all, let

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Not sure if you heard, but Tom Brady is excited about being a father.

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