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Okay fine NASCAR, you win.  I was watching the final few laps of the Daytona 500 on Sunday and I can honestly say I was intrigued.  There was last second drama, crashes and hilarious commentary by analysts not even attempting to speak in proper English  including, “Sparks are flyin’, sheet metals draggin, but their still racin’.” 

You had a 25 year veteran looking to win his first Daytona 500 when the race was restarted with less than 5 laps remaining. It looked as if it would be a storybook finish for “Father Time” Martin who first participated in the “Great American Race,” in 1982.  But Sunday would not be Mark’s day as he got a little loose in the final turn and got passed by Kevin Harvick at the line.  Martin lost the 500 mile race by .123 seconds which is the racing equivalent to a 3 hour case of case of blue balls. 

Even though he won, Harvick was upstaged by Clint Bowyer in the Jack Daniels 7 car.  Bowyer flipped his drunk mobile on the last lap and slid what seemed like three quarters of a mile on his hood before he came to a stop on the infield grass.  Boyer’s car was engulfed in flames and you could see Clint calmly undue his seatbelt, re-adjust his mirrors, put away his sunglasses and click the garage door opener before even attempting to get out of the car.  You have to love an activity where the participants are completely unconcerned with bursting into flame, exploding or the impending doom that surrounds them.  Sort of the like time honored American tradition of Bear Wrestling.     

While I can admit that I was on the edge of my seat in the races’ last lap, I can also say that I did not watch the previous 3 hours of the race.  I am not sure that you even need to watch those first three hours if you are guaranteed a demolition derby, explosions, Robosaurus and an aging champion’s dreams being shattered right before your eyes in possibly his last attempt to win the biggest event in his sport.  Then again, the NASCAR fan would probably say that you really only need to watch the 4th quarter of an NBA game to get gist of that action as well.  That would be a good comment from said NASCAR fan if it didn’t come out this. (there is even a Bobby Unser reference in his clip).

NASCAR fans can talk all they want about “fuel strategy” and “skill” but the fact is that as long as people are crashing and exploding this will be an exciting sport.  NASCAR can try to be as refined as it wants but when it comes down to it many of its fans carpooled with this guy and want to see the wrecks.  Hell, I don’t even have that hat and I love the crashes.  I am pretty sure even this guy likes the crashes, even if it is just because two dudes run into each other. So NASCAR, make unlike the NHL who has curtailed fighting­—which was exciting to the casual and expert fan alike—and make the track smaller or the cars bigger or the drivers drunk. (this one is pretty good too, very persistent) 

A banana peal here, a turtle shell there and ratings go up 300 percent. Attracting the coveted 18-34 demographic is the goal of nearly every sport.  Any 18-34 year old male who hasn’t played at least one version of Mario Kart is most likely involved in devil worship or pedophilia.  I am not advocating NASCAR turn into Mario Kart, but I am suggesting a giant gorilla drive one of the cars.  Whether its driving through rivers of chocolate or on deserted islands or futuristic roads made out of rainbows, this sport can go nowhere but up with these changes, your welcome NASCAR.

The Angry T

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There was an interesting aside in Sports Illustrated this week that really got me thinking.  Allan Ross was this years’ winner of the Thorpe Award which recognizes the nation’s best defensive back.  Mr. Ross is currently dating Sanya Richards, a gold medalist from the Atlanta Olympics as well as the IAAF 2006 World Athlete of the year.  They plan to marry in 2009, after Richard competes in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing.  When they marry, they will inevitably have children, incredibly fast children.  This baby will shoot out of the birth canal and complete an electronically timed 40 in around 4.3.  If this kid doesn’t go pro in something after 4th grade he/she should be ashamed of itself.  This story got me thinking about other potential hook-ups that could produce super-athletic kids.  For you reading pleasure, the Top 5 potential hook-ups that would lead to super-babies including the sports they would play and dominate.

5.  Rebecca Lobo  and Barbaro: Let’s get this one of out the way real early.  WNBA superstar meets racing legend.  Now the logistics of this thing might be a little awkward, but if we get it done we have ourselves one hell of a super-baby. I know what you are going to say, the horse is dead, but I disagree. Barbaro currently resides in the same house where Tupac and the Notorious BIG live. Do you remember the Sandlot, the guy playing Babe Ruth said "legends never die", let’s not forget that. I see multiple professional sports in this “kid’s” future.

Movie deals will be the most financially lucrative option for the baby.  MVH (most valuable horse) will feature “Lobaro”  playing a grab bag of sports will incredible success.  The fun loving nature of the child will be tempered by a gruff yet loving basketball coach played by Danny Glover.  Hilarity will ensue and box office success will be assured.  The baby will eventually become the first women’s two sport star as a WNBA All-Star and the first triple crown winner since Seattle Slew. If she didn’t throw like a girl/throughbred, she could probably win the Olympic decathalon as well.   I see absolutely no reason, besides bestiality, potential injuries to Rebecca, and an inability for a horse and woman to produce a child, and the fact that Barbaro is dead, why this won’t work.

4. Earl Boykins and Margo Dydek: You may or may not know Margo Dydek as the tallest player in the WNBA and the league’s all-time leader in blocked shots.  You may also know Earl “The Squirrel” Boykins as the NBA’s shortest player at 5’5” and possibly it’s quickest player as well.  He is also an animal in weight room and can bench press 315 pounds. Everyone knows that a tall person and a short person standing next to each other is sheer comic gold.  Just imagine the hilarity that would ensue from a ridiculously tall woman having sex with a very short man. The logistics of the situation would be mind-boggling. On top of the intercourse, their child would be the best of both worlds.  With  Dydek’s height and Boykin’s quickness, there isn’t a sport this super-baby couldn’t play.  Think a non-euro-trash, quicker, Dirk Nowitzki (and this, check the earrings) with a mean streak because everyone at school made fun of him for having a mom that is a foot and half taller than his dad.  

3. Laila Ali and Jason Kidd:  Jason Kidd has quick hands, quick feet and is very, very quick to anger, just ask the woman standing next to him with the black eye.  Laila Ali has a pretty good jab of her own and has compiled a record of 24-0 with 21 knockouts.  With this sort of pedigree Kidd and Ali’s offspring will be an absolutely devastating boxer.  The only question will be whether he or she chooses men’s or women’s boxing. There is no reason to believe that if it turns out to be a boy that it still won’t fight in the women’s division for a opportunity to slap some chicks around.  As they say, the domestically abusive apple doesn’t fall far from the wife beating tree.  No matter which gender he or she decided to fight, this kid will most likely hold belts in every single division. I also hope that this kid’s cranium is at least a little bit smaller than Kidd’s other son.

2. John Daly and Laura Davies:  The king and queen of the long ball  and gluttony team up to make sweet, sweet love and one hell of a golfer. The juxtaposition of this proper Englander and this backwoods Arkansas native will make for great theater and an ever greater reality television show. Or as least it will until filming is halted when a drunk John Daly is wrestled ground by Davies and forced to tap out.

 This baby will come out of the womb with a bottle of five-o-clock, an un-filtered cigarette, and a leg of lamb slathered in ranch dressing.  Look at this face and this face, this child has absolutely no chance at being attractive to any person or beast.  This child will be forced to take it’s aggression on the golf ball to the tune of 600-700 yards drives.  The man-child will make the traditional golf course and non-elastic khaki pants obsolete.  After winning 13 consecutive Masters Tournaments by his/her 16th birthday, “Dalies” will dictate that the game of golf will henceforth be named “Dalies.”  Unfortunately for the sports, the child will pass away from complications due to lung cancer, liver failure and arteries completely filled with hollandaise sauce at the age of 19. 

1. Marion Jones and Shawne Merriman:  This child might be the most athletic of the children on this list because of the chemistry behind his birth.  The un-holy spawn of these two roid’ users will probably have between 5-7 arms and absolutely redefine the word “long” in reference to a defender in basketball.  Actual working eyes on the back and sides of the child’s head would give he/she remarkably court vision in basketball and an unstoppable pick-off move on the mound.  The absence of sex organs due to the steroids would allow the player to be unstoppable as a member of the wall on a soccer team when the other team has a direct kick.  This kid would be devastating even before I mention that it will most likely be born with wings and a prehensile tail.  Unfortunately for these two lovebirds and the sporting community, Merriman can no longer produce semen due to his hibernating inverse testicles.  Despite use of horse, beaver, and salamander tranquilizers Marion Jones has actually given birth to a child. Even though her baby was born with scales and octopus like suckers on each limb, it is expected to live on a normal life.

Will there you have it, I have sent letters to each and every person included in this article suggesting that they procreate.. Like the child of divorced parents in a movie, I have arranged that each couple meet at a dinner that both parties think will benefit some sort of charity. Just like in “It Takes Two” featuring the 8 year old coked out Olsen twins,  they will meet, the will dine and then they will consummate and the sporting world will be better for it.  I just hope Rebecca Lobo shares some of her feed bag with Barbaro.

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Everyone loves NASCAR.

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After his very brief, yet hilariously awkward stint on ESPN’s NBA Fast Break, 99% of the population believed Tim Hardaway was an idiot.  Yesterday, Tim Hardaway decided to convince the other 1 %.  On a Miami radio show, Hardaway made it very clear how much he hated homosexuals. 

“I don’t like it.  It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”  This isn’t Cancer Tim, its not world hunger, homosexuality is something that doesn’t really affect you at all.  And I could see why you wouldn’t want a homosexual on your team, I mean John Amaechi’s career was marked with scandal, rampant illegal “hand checking” calls, snapping towels at players in the shower, piano duets with Grant Hill.  Oh wait Tim, no one knew John Amaechi was gay until two weeks ago; it looks like playing with a homosexual had absolutely no negative effect on any of Amaechi’s teammates.

            But on Hardaway’s Florida Pit Bulls (he is both coach and player……let it go Tim, let it go.), Timmy is sure that there are no homosexual’s on his team.  He makes his players go through several tests a year to ensure their love for women.  He has made his players watch the Top Gun volleyball scene and then immediately checked for erections.  Timmy also kisses each of his players in the huddle during time outs, if the player uses tongue he’s on the next bus out of town.

            Hardaway also enforces several homophobic rules on his ABA squad.  Butt slapping after a good play is strictly forbidden unless done with a firm open palm.  Television shows allowed in the locker room is strictly monitored ( NO Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Sex in the City.  Grey’s Anatomy is allowed only when Isaiah Washington is on the screen.).  Showering attire for the Pit Bulls is as follows: Swim Suit, Shower Cap, Full length chain mail armor.
           

The best part about this story is Hardaway’s apology hours later.  He regrets his comments?  Why Tim?  Because you look like a homophobic jackass?  Because you sound more like a player from the 1950’s then the 1990’s?  Because TNA might stop running your Pros Vs Joes appearance?  Or is it because you think that the 10 people who come to your ABA games might stop attending games?  I can’t say I was shocked by his arrogance, just look at other NBA players’ comments about Amaechi’s coming out, outside of a select few, many players comments were very guarded and borderline offensive. If you ever wondered why players like Amaechi don’t come out to people until after their playing, you need look no further then Tim Hardaway.

Violent J

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I almost feel like this story was released for my enjoyment.

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It hit me on Sunday and I am not sure how or why it did.

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