As I was perusing NBA.com today to read more about that Garnett trade I stumbled upon something wonderful.

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For all of you out there who are still interested in the career of THE Ron Mercer, there is some news to report.  Ron surrendered to police following an altercation at a strip club in Nashville. Ron and his friend were thrown out of the club after a verbal altercation with a dancer.  In an attempt to keep it real, Ron allegedly punched a bouncer in the face while Ron’s friend, Robert Edward Johnson, stabbed another bouncer twice.  Ron is 31 years old and last played basketball in 2004-2005.  His life as a working man is effectively over.   Fortunately for the former #6 overall pick, he made over 35 million dollars in his nine year NBA career, so he should be set on cash for the foreseeable future.  Actually, it is very possible that he is like this guy, this guy, who blew every dime they had, but for the sake of this article let’s assume he saved a little. Ron’s situation begs the inevitable question:  Besides going to strip clubs and stabbing bouncers, what is Ron going to do with the next 50 some odd years of his life?  How could this guy be useful in any way to anyone you might ask?  Well wonder no more my friends, below are the 10 best uses for Ron Mercer at this point in his life:

10.  Mentor America’s youth on how to make more money than 99.9 percent of the world without any real life skills besides athleticism. 

9.  Start a business where he rents himself out to groups of people for pick-up games at the local YMCA.  (By the way, how great would that be to get a stable of marginal NBA talent and rent them out to play in pick-up games at rec centers and YMCA’s. Billion dollar idea right there, patent pending) 

8.  Instead of having his jersey made into a trading card, have all of Ron Mercer’s body made into a trading card.  The game-used Ron Mercer small intestine from Upper Deck would be the hottest card on the market.

7. Film a buddy comedy with Darius Miles titled, “Useless and Uselesser,” followed by the uproarious sequel, “So this is what 70 Million Dollars worth of Marijuana Looks Like.”

6.  Write a book entitled, “If I did Steal 35 million, this is how I’d do it,” and have O.J. Simpson write the preface.

5.  Start a semen-for-hire business for out of work professional athletes.  Rich men who want to have athletic famous children would pay to have their wives and girlfriends impregnated by former athletes.   Who wants some Lawrence Taylor baby-batter?

4.  Ron could be taken to a taxidermist and get made into a life-like conversation piece.  Instead of an 8 point buck on your wall, you could have a 13.6 PPG Ron Mercer mounted above your mantle.  Other options include an Oliver Miller Bear Rug.

3.  Star in a reality show in which his assets are frozen and he is forced to attempt to earn a living like the rest of the non-6’7”, 40 inch vertical world. 

2.  Create and promote the sport of baby fighting, where two babies are pitted against each other in a knife battle to the death all in an attempt to take the heat off of Mike Vick.

1. Create an over-hyped, fat reducing grill that only works 50 percent of the time, is very expensive, and when it does actually work, the results are very mediocre. 

The Angry T

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So, I was hanging around the courthouse in Richmond today, and it just so happened that Mike Vick was there to enter his plea.

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I kept hearing from everyone that this was the last straw.  We had come back to baseball after the 1995 strike only to be befriended and then deceived by a bunch of juiced up home run monsters who sold us on the game of baseball, Sammy Sosa’s High Heat Baseball (“it’s sooo real” see below) and Viagra.  Now with the most vilified athlete of the last 25 years this side of Pete Rose about to break the games’ most hallowed record, baseball is about as low as it can get, right?  I mean ESPN even called a Town Meeting about Bonds and steroids, that’s how grave this matter has become. 

Unfortunately for us peasants, the truth doesn’t always sell in sports media, and angles need to be created so Skip Bayless and Jay Mariotti have something to scream about.  The fact is this: Despite the negative press baseball has received from the steroids scandal, baseball is more popular today then it’s been in a long time.

In 2000 (when people started to really look into steroids in baseball and Pedro Gomez was hatched in an ESPN Laboratory to cover Barrry Bonds), MLB total attendance was 72,702,420.  In 2006, after the grand jury testimony, after Mcgwire and Sosa were vilified, after Bonds was officially found guilty in the court of public opinion, MLB total attendance was 75,959,167.  For those of you scoring at home, that’s over 3 million more baseball fans that went to games after the steroids scandal was laid out in front of us. 

So far in 2007, 20 out of the 30 Major League teams are on pace to beat their 2006 attendance numbers. Milwaukee (up 12.7 %), Detroit (up 11.2%), Philadelphia (up 8.7 %), and Florida (up 7.7 %) have seen their attendance numbers skyrocket.  Out of the 10 teams whose attendance has dropped, only the Chicago White Sox (down 8.7%), Washington (down 7.6%) and Pittsburgh Pirates (down 4.2%) have seen their attendance drop by more then 3.5%.  Another fun fact to chew on: 13 teams, nearly half the league, fill, on average, over 80% of their stadium.  Considering how many weekday day games are played, I think that’s a remarkable stat.

Why do we need to stop at the Major League level, several minor league players have been caught using banned substances too.  If baseball fans won’t turn on their favorite major league players, certainly they’ll turn on some minor league nobody.  Take it easy Woody Paige, Minor League baseball is continuing to shatter attendance records as well.  Using clever marketing strategies and affordable prices, minor league baseball draws in a whole new audience of baseball fans who want an affordable and fun baseball experience.  The Buffalo Bisons drew over 13,000 fans last night, the Louisville Bats average over 9,000 a game and the Sacramento River Cats average just under 10,000, just to name a few of the many popular minor league teams. If you need some more evidence, read this little blurb from the MILB.com, the official site of minor league baseball: (full article on the history of Minor League Baseball)

Minor League Baseball has been a continuing success story with the fans. Total regular season attendance has increased in 20 of the last 24 seasons and has surpassed 35-million for seven consecutive seasons, a level not attained since the late 1940s when NAPBL membership consisted of more than 50 leagues and more than 400 teams. In 2004, there were 15 leagues with 176 teams that charge admission. Total membership was 20 leagues with 242 teams.

So if more people are coming to baseball games today then they did seven years ago, then has the steroid issue had any real effect on the fans?  I would say it has had very little effect if people are still willing to shell out their hard earned cash at record levels.

Barry Bonds, Michael Vick, NBA Ref Scandals, the list of negative sports images could go on for days.  But frankly, I don’t care.  I love playing and watching sports, and so do a lot of people I know.  Unfortunately, sport itself no longer makes for interesting enough programming according to ratings hungry executives, and so we’ll be lead into Sportscenter with Vick and the rest of the gang for the next three months.  They’ll try to sell us on the fact that these negative things somehow will change people’s love for watching sports, and it’s simply not true, the numbers don’t lie.

-Violent J

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This kid is already much better than you at golf, and he is four years old, and he battled cancer. While I was wondering why, Pidge, the green lion from voltron was such a pussy, this guy was honing his golf skills in between bouts of chemotherapy. The best part of the entire story is that he has never had a lesson, he just watched Tiger Woods on TV and tried to emulate his swing. Amazing.

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NCAA 2008 has been released, Jared Zabransky is on the cover and I am leading the University of The Angry T to a national championship.  For the last six months, you have had to hear your friends tell you about the new recruits their team signed.  Even though they have never seen this 18 year old play, your buddy is already booking his tickets to Canton 18 years from now for the recruits’ Hall of Fame induction ceremonies.    One of the best parts about this game is that you can play your team’s new recruit, even if they will sit on the bench for the next three years in real life.  Below are ratings and analysis of the Rivals 2007 Top 10 recruits. I also put each of these guys in a starter’s role and played them against their rivals.  Statistics are displayed below. 

1. Jimmy Clausen –QB – 83 – Notre Dame Overall, 76 Break Tackle, 91 Throw Power, 87 Throw Accuracy.  Notre Dame’s newest golden boy ranks best among incoming QB’s.  If there was a rating for ridiculously douchetastic haircuts, his would be around 165.  The 76 Break Tackle rating is a little bit startling for a QB in this game until you consider the amount of product required to keep that Clausen’s hair in place.  Some drippage is inevitable and said drippage mixed with condensation on his jersey will make him nearly impossible to tackle.

Performance – In a tough 27-24 home loss to Michigan, Clausen completed 19 of 32 passes for 220 yards.  He threw two picks and only one touchdown.  Gelled hair, doesn’t play great in big games…that reminds me of someone, I just can’t put my finger on who it is.

2. Joe McKnight – RB – 84 OVR, 90 Speed, 85BTK – USC- Joe was the number one recruit at the running back position.  Apparently, Pete Carroll wasn’t too impressed with this effort at spring practice because he currently sits fifth on the depth chart.  Outside of promising Joe a car or an airliner, I’m not sure how Pete convinced him to sit on the bench for three years.  NCAA 2008 does make light of these potential improprieties, as Joe doesn’t run the tunnel like the other little digital people, he actually touches down at the 50 in one of those planes that can land vertically right before the coin toss.  Joe McKnight also has a chance of breaking several significant records including Reggie Bush’s 2305 bitches boinked in his career.

Performance – McKnight came up big against cross-town rival UCLA.  He rushed for 88 yards on 20 carries and scored 2 TD’s.  Just for the record, he banged nine girls the night after the game to get up to an even 345 porked chicks on the year.

3. Eric Berry – DB – 85 OVR, 95 SPD – Tennessee – Berry has the highest overall rating of any of the new recruits.  Unfortunately he currently sits third on the depth chart which relegates him to nickel and dime situations.  Fortunately, I not only moved Berry up on the depth chart, I cut everyone else on the team who was even thinking about playing the defensive back position so Berry became a completely indispensable starter.

Performance – Berry only recorded two tackles on the day, but you could tell his mere presence on the field had Tim Tebow shitting his pants en route to a 21-20 upset of #3 Florida.  Fans were behind him with signs saying, “75 percent of the earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Eric Berry.  He also contributed with two returns for 50 yards on kickoffs and three returns for 27 yards on punts.

4. Ryan Mallett – QB – 82 OVR, Throw Power 96. Throw Accuracy 87 – Michigan – As a Michigan fan, this recruit is near and dear to my maize and blue heart.  I refuse to sit Chad Henne in order to make way for Mallett, so Ryan will have to mire on the bench for at least one more season.  I think every game should take a cue from me and edit Mallett’s name to read John Navarre.  They are the exact same height, nearly the same weight, and they will be the same type of pocket passer. I hope they don’t share the same propensity to lose every single tough game on the road, but even if they do, I have tweaked the schedule to only play easy Division III opponents on the road.  God bless the scheduling function.

Performance – It was a tough day for Ryan Mallett against Ohio State.  The Wolverines were pummeled 43-7, at home, and Mallett completed five of 17 pass for only 62 yards.  His three interceptions were also distressing as he looked eerily similar to Navarre as he looked past his first option

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5. Carlos Dunlap – DE 83 OVR, 80 SPD, 72 TAK, 72 STR – USC – Carlos comes directly out of the Jevon Kearse mold.  He is big, strong and fast and third on the depth chart.  Time to change that and get Carlos paid.  Say hello the number one DE spot on the Florida State Seminoles.

Performance – The pressure does not deter Carlos Dunlap. He recorded three tackles and one sack in a 49-22 rout of Florida State.  He stepped up on the big stage and performed the way we all expected him to, which is why he declared for the NFL following this game.  Go get paid Carlos.

6. Everson Griffin – DE – 83 OVR, 82 SPD, 72 TAK, 74 STR – USC – Picture Simeon Rice, but with a more refined first name.  While the name Everson might suggest that he is a poet laureate, he is actually a tackling machine hell bent on breaking the little digital legs of all quarterbacks in sight. It actually said that in his recruiting screen.

Performance – Everson had four tackles and a forced fumble against those punks from UCLA.  I even saw him in a pile continually leg dropping Patrick Cowan in the ACL.  He didn’t succeed in that regard, but I would say four tackles and a forced fumble should earn him a hundred dollar handshake and a pat on the back from a booster or two.

7. Marvin Austin – DT – 84 OVR, 74 SPD, 87 STR, 82 TAK, 74 BTK – North Carolina – Butch Davis already has this program moving in the right direction.  Austin is a fast, high skilled defensive tackle whose mother just received a brand new house and a new job a la Butch McRae.  Davis also guaranteed that Austin would start, and who am I to mess with that.

Performance – Marvin will single-handedly lead this team to the promised land, or MPC computer bowl…whatever comes first.  He beat up on all those nerds for Duke with four tackles, two for loss, and one deflection.

8. Ronald Johnson – WR – 81 OVR, 92 SPD, 84 CTH, 86 Spectacular Catch – USC – I am not very happy with Ronald Johnson.  I really wish he would have gone to Michigan rather than USC.  It almost pains me to throw him into the starting line-up, although that is the exact purpose of this article.  With all that being said, he is a really good player and he has a high “spectacular catch” rating, which is the second most specific rating in this game next to the “spectacular erection” rating.

Performance – That spectacular catch rating came in handy in this one because he ended up with four catches for 129 yards and a TD.  I was kind of hoping he would break one of his little digital legs, because he is a Michigan guy who didn’t go to Michigan, so I continually sent him over the middle and threw the ball way out in front of him.  He stuck it right in my face with those four catches and he actually flicked me off after the game.

9. Torrey Davis – DT – 81 OVR, 59 SPD, 88 STR, 87 TAK – Florida – Urban Meyer does not rebuild, he simply reloads.  Davis is another dominant defensive player in waiting.  Until now that is, because he is starting.  How can you deny the 88 points of strength and 87 tackle points?  You can’t, welcome to the starting line-up Torrey.

Performance – Torrey recorded five tackles, four of which were for loss in route to the blowout of the Seminoles.  He also speared Bobby Bowden over a table of Gatorade, which only added insult to injury for a coach on his way out.  He also had a pass deflection that hit Mickey Andrews in the junk.  Fowler and Corso had a good laugh.

10. Josh Oglesby – OL – 77 OVR, Pass Block 86, Run Block 90, 86 STR – Wisconsin – Josh isn’t flashy, but by God he is large.  6’7” and 315 pounds of man beast. Youth will be served and Josh will start.

Performance – Oglesby recorded one pancake block and the line let only two sacks, both of which were not a result of a bad block by Josh.  The team won, and gained around 180 yards on the ground.  Nothing spectacular, but anytime you beat Minnesota 22-7 for Paul Bunyans Axe, a good time will be had by all. 

So there are the 10 best prospects in the land.  Some failed in the spotlight while others excelled.  Be sure to share this scientific data with everyone you see fit.  Oh, and just so you can get your bets in early, I played the season on the Junior Varsity difficulty level, and Michigan won the National Championship by 50 points over Florida.  Get your bets in early if you want to make some cash. You’re welcome.

The Angry T

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If you’ve played or watched enough baseball, you probably won’t be that shocked by what I am about to tell you.  A Minor League baseball coach was killed Sunday night, by a line drive that struck his head while he was coaching first base.  Mike Coolbaugh, 35, was a hitting coach for the Tulsa Drillers, the AA minor league team of the Colorado Rockies. 

I am interested to see what, if anything, baseball will do about this.  As a former pitcher (although tell that to the Sunday Mexican League I play in), I have had balls lined right back at me that, if I was a split second too slow with my glove, I would’ve taken in the head.  A former teammate of mine shattered his thumb last summer when he was pitching in a wood bat summer league and had to have screws inserted, along with months of rehab.  I think both my friend and I would both agree that it is just part of the game, and part of being a pitcher.  The only real arguments you can make in concerns to player safety is that they have proper coverage in the dugout, and you can also make the case at the younger levels of baseball that wood bats should replace the aluminum/titanium/kryptonite bats that kids are swinging today.

I don’t think you can really change too much about what happens on the field of play.  But I do think that there needs to be some major changes involved with what happens outside the lines.  Why don’t base coaches wear helmets or some sort of protective gear?  Why don’t umpires wear helmets like NHL Referee’s do?  Baseball purists will simply say that what happened to Coolbaugh was just a fluke, and to an extent they’re probably right.  I can’t remember, outside of Tommy Lasorda pulling an “Andre the Giant falling down” impression, of any coach getting hit by a baseball or bat.  However, now it has happened, it’s officially possible that an umpire or base coach can be killed.  Knowing that, don’t you have to make a change?

I think the bigger issue that will be addressed is the fans.  If a former 17 year minor league baseball player like Coolbaugh can’t get out of the way of a line drive, then I don’t think the 7 year old girl who’s just at the game because its American Girl Doll night at the ballpark stands much of a chance.  When Brittanie Cecil was struck and killed by a hockey puck at a Columbus Blue Jackets game, the NHL put up netting above the glass to make sure something like that wouldn’t happen.  Did fans complain because the netting obstructed their view?  After a 13 year old girl dies in the stands, you didn’t hear too much grumbling about being more cautious with the nets. 

Will Minor and Major League Baseball add nets around the foul lines?  Or will they wait until someone is killed?  There have already been major injuries to fans that were struck with line drive foul balls, and MLB plays that recording before every game warning about foul balls and how you’re watching at your own risk, so they’re asses are covered.  Next time your at a ball game and you see the net that covers the fans behind the plate (despite the nets, these are considered amazing seats by the way), look at how close the people just right or left of the net coverage are to home plate.  Seeing that, I have no doubt that eventually a fan will be killed at a major league game.  That is, unless Mike Coolbaugh’s death is seen as something that will inevitably happen again, and not as a once in a lifetime fluke.

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