I have come to the realization that my life is no longer my own.

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As you may know the United States lost in the World Cup semi

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What is TV premiere week without a healthy dose of Lost? For the last
3 years devoted followers have anxiously awaited this week to find
out the secrets that were promised in the season finale. They soon
realized that they spent the entire summer debated the mysticism of
Lost on the message boards for nothing, because ABC didn’t reveal
jack shit. In fact, each season premiere created more mysteries than
it solved. We’re coming up on the 4th season and we still don’t know
what that damn robotic smoke, people-killing monster that used to
sound like a dinosaur and now sounds like a grappling gun really is. That is
just one of the 437 mysteries the self-founded Angry T church of Lost
is trying to figure out, if not for the pure reason of getting tax-
exempt status. But I digress, since this is a sports blog, you must
be wondering what this or lost in general has to do with sports,
besides that pathetic golf course they made, which I bet I could set
the course record on, as no one, especially Hurly, looks like they are
any good at golf.

Well, my loyal readers, here is the thing, it has nothing to do with
sports, but since Lost isn’t coming back till January, I thought
everyone might desperately need a quick fix. So I have put together a
list of NFL players who this season remind me of my favorite
Losties. Even if you don’t watch the show, which would mean you are
A. gay, or B. blind (in which case you probably aren’t reading this),
you can probably still get a good laugh out of this article. So
without further ado.

Locke – This guy was paralyzed before he came to the
island and now he can walk again. Who does this remind you of? Well
hopefully it will be the guy from Buffalo, God willing, but as of now
it is Randy Moss. Apparently, Moss has spent the last few seasons in a
wheel chair unable to use his legs because he has done absolutely
nothing on the football field. Now, the mythical creature
that is Bellicheck has made him whole again and given him back the
use of his legs. Not to mention he only has one kidney and used to
sells boxes for a living (I can’t actually back that up). I can back
up the fact that he is the biggest prick in sports, but I digress yet again

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With a defense team that includes Denny Crane, Johnny Cochran and Matlock, Jose Offerman plead not guilty to charges that he attacked a pitcher and catcher with a bat during an independent league game this summer.  I really think Offerman is going to pull this one off, I mean it’s not like they have any pictures of the alleged event taking place.

Oh come on, you expect the jury to believe Offerman is guilty simply because you have one photo.  He could be doing a number of things besides swinging his bat at the pitcher:

1. He could be throwing a javelin that looks like a bat into right field.
2. Perhaps he raised his arm like that to get away from the John Amechi of Independent League Baseball Catchers who was throwing himself at an ex-all-star like Offerman.
3. Maybe it was one of those wacky minor league gimmick games.  Judging by this picture, I think the defense could claim that this was Jason Kidd imitation night.

So as you can see, a picture like this will hold no weight in court.  Sorry prosecutor, better luck with O.J..  Now if they had a series of pictures showing Offerman going after Bridgeport Bluefish pitcher Matt Beech and catcher John Nathans, then maybe you would have a case.

Son of a bitch.  What exactly is their case?  How can you claim to be not guilty of 2nd degree assault when there is a You Tube frame by frame documentation of the assault set to Jock Jams music? 

Offerman’s attorney Frank Riccio has said he does not believe his client struck the players with a bat.

This Riccio guy sounds like he’s trying to get hired by  Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate.  Beech, the pitcher, suffered a broken finger, while Nathans, the catcher, suffered a concussion.  This Riccio guy continues:

"I think a mistake was made by him charging the mound with a bat in his hand," Riccio said. "But after that, everything is a blur."

A total blur, I agree.  A frame-by-frame-10,000-people-saw-Jose-Offerman-swinging-a-bat-at-the-pitcher blur.  I would like to mention that Riccio is from Bridgeport, where the incident occurred.  Good to know that Offerman has blown all his MLB money and now has to look through the Bridgeport Yellow Pages for an attorney.  Riccio gives us one more gem:

"I think baseball polices itself very well," Riccio said. "I think it should be left to baseball to decide what should be done."

Mr. Riccio, you seem to have confused Independent Baseball with Major League Baseball.  MLB polices itself quite well, I agree.  Independent Baseball on the other hand has hemorrhoids night at the ballpark (evidence of hemorrhoids gets you ½ off hotdogs) and gives the first four fans that come to the game a free calendar, and also lets them umpire the game.  Maybe the cops should’ve stepped in when a player was swinging a bat at the other team.

While Vick gets all the media attention (he smokes weed?????),  Jose Offerman and his 10 dollar lawyer are about to embark on the worst legal defense I have seen since my lawyer tried to tell the judge that I was giving the hooker $500 to not have sex with me.  It didn’t work out for me; I’m guessing it won’t work for him either.

Violent J

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Halo 3 was released lat night and thousands or nerds, dorks, dweebs and douches stood outside their local Best Buy hoping to get a copy of this highly anticipated game. As I typed the sentence above I realized that I played so many video games growing up that I could probably be categorized as any of the names above.  However, I played sports games about 95 percent of the time, so when I stayed home on a Friday to play Madden I was slightly cooler than the people staying home to play James Bond GoldenEye.  As dorky as I may think Halo is, it brought in 125 million dollars within its first 24 hours of release, so there may be something to the game after all.

All this Halo hubbub got me contemplating the great games of all time, namely the best sports games of all-time.  So, I put together my top 10 old-school sports games, complete with youtube clips.   Take a walk down memory lane to before the internet and before you even fathomed there were more exciting things to do than play video games: (i.e. Porn, Bear Baiting)

10. Blades of Steel – Nintendo

9. RBI Baseball – Nintendo – Nothing better than pitching with a pre-drug Dwight Gooden.  Later versions of the game included an option to “pitch high”, which resulted in Dwight throwing 137 mph fastballs.

8.  Bill Walsh College Football – SEGA – This game was made in a time where video games couldn’t shell out the big bucks for in game announcers, hence, Ron Barr does the play by play and the color on this game. Don’t worry about Ron though, he was paid in Toys R’ Us Jeffrey Bucks and those five dollar coupon Mcdonalds coupon books.

(Yes that’s Bo)

7.  NHL 95 – SEGA – How awesome is the guy who records the top 10 plays from their season of NHL 95?  I will let you decide after you watch the video below:

6.  Joe Montana Sports Talk Football – SEGA – I rode the sweet feet of Randall Cunningham and the magic of the bootleg to three straight SuperBowl championships.

5.  Double Dribble – Nintendo

4.  Jordan Vs. Bird – NES – This game influenced scores of white kids to work on their mid-range game rather than their dunks.  If this game would have been named Tom Chambers vs. Jordan, I would be throwing down nasty stuff on the playground rather than making a living hitting 12 foot jumpers.

3. California Games – NES – What pot-smoking California hippie could have possibly thought that this would be an entertaining and exciting game? I don’t know, but I want to meet him and shake his hand and buy with a twenty sack. If you can name another game where you can do mildly entertaining real life activities like hackysack and throw a Frisbee, I will take this off my list. Until then it remains at #3.

2. Mike Tyson Punch Out – Nintendo – It is all about the pink jumpsuit.

1. Tecmo SuperBowl – Nintendo – This was a no-brainer for me. I always played with the Lions, even though they were terrible (eerily similar to real life).  I wasn’t nearly as good as these guys below however, which makes me feel inadequate. (More inadequate I should say)

The Angry T

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Most you are now aware that Milton Bradley has torn his ACL while being held back by a manager while arguing a call.  This is a hilarious injury for everyone involved except Milton Bradley, his family and the San Diego Padres.   I have compiled a list of more hilarious injuries and several Wade Boggs and Fred Savage related videos.  Even if you are completely uniterested in injuries, make sure you watch the Fred Savage video.  If you are interested in more hilarious injuries, I encourage you to check to this link, and this link .

10. Mooche Norris  – In 99’ while playing for the Sonics, Moochie was placed on the injury list due to “insomnia.”  With all that time on his hands, you would figure that he would use some of it to become a better basketball player.  Unfortunately, he probably used it to braid and un-braid his hair, which is why Moochie’s “Similar Players” section of Basketball-Reference includes such legends as Jacque Vaughan, John Bagley and Darnell Valentine

9. Sammy Sosa –  In 2004, “Slammin Sammy” was forced to miss a couple games after a violent sneezing fit caused spasms in his steroid riddled back muscles. (Allegedly)  It is very hard to say anything about Sammy that hasn’t already been said 300 times. That is why I am going to let Sammy speak for himself. I think Don Baylor does a pretty good job in this commercial as well.

8. Clint Barmes – In June 2005, midway through an impressive rookie campaign, Clint Barmes was carrying deer meat up his stairs when he tripped, fell, and broke his collarbone.  Clint has never been the same since the incident and since he was uncoordinated enough to fall UP the stairs, anything he did at the major league level was probably luck anyway.

7. Jeff Kent – While playing for the Dodgers, Jeff broke his wrist washing his truck.  Understandable, considering his truck is a 1,500 pound Alaskan Brown Bear that he puts a saddle on and rides too and from the ballpark.  I am not one to speculate, but with a mustache like that, a porn related injury is not of the question.  I can’t tell you how many times I injured my wrist while…we will save that one for later.

6. Cebric Ceballos – This isn’t an injury, but it is still a fantastic reason for missing a game.  Ced buys a boat, immeadiatly takes it out, never reads the boat manual and get stranded in the middle of the lake.  I might miss a few games too, if I was forced to shower every day with Vlade Divac.

 5. Wade Boggs – In the mid-’80s, Boggs was in a Toronto hotel during a series against the Blue Jays.  As is his way, Wade was wearing cowboy boots.  Most of you know the dangers associated with cowboy boots, but Wade completely ignored safety procedures when pulling them off and lost his balance and injured his back when he fell into a couch.  This is the second funniest situation involving cowboy boots next to thi:s (Warning: Lots of F-Bombs will ensue if you press play on this link)

No Wade Boggs thought is complete without this video, even though he is a liar.

4. Lionel Simmons – Lionel had just won NBA player of the week honors during the 1990-1991 season.  Unfortunately, Lionel got so excited with this honor that he played hours upon hours of Nintendo Game Boy, which caused wrist tendonitis, which caused him to miss a few games.  I had a similar injury, but two years earlier following the release of the movie The Wizard with Fred Savage, and six years later when I discovered porn.

 3. Steve Sparks – I have always had great respect for people that can tear phone books in half.  Apparently, so did Steve Sparks, because he tried to replicate the feat after the Brewers were taken to see a motivational speaker.  Steve was unsuccessful in tearing the phone book in half and dislocated his shoulder in the process.   I know the pressure of making your teammates think you are tough when you throw knuckleballs must be unbearable, but next time just win an international video game competition, it definitely worked for Fred Savage in The Wizard.

 
2. Marty Cordova – Former Cleveland Indian Marty Cordova was a pioneer in metrosexuality.  He fake tanned in 1995, before it became really sweet for guys to go to tanning beds.  Unfortunately, Marty fell asleep in the tanning booth, severly burned himself, and had to miss a couple games.  This tends to happen with pioneers though, a few eggs must be broken to make an omelet. I salute yor Marty for your never ending struggle to allow men to act more like teenage girls. 

1. Glenallen Hill – Despite his hulking size, Glenallen hates spiders.  He was reading Charlotte’s Web one afternoon and decieded to take a nap.  Dreams of pigs and aracnids quickly turned to nightmares and as Glenallen roused himself from sleep, he fell through a glass coffee table and suffered several deep cuts. I find it hard to believe that Glenallen fears anything after watching the video below.  In fact, I may have nightmares about that face.

The Angry T

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Mark Cuban is very serious about buying the Cubs. So serious in fact that he showed up at the Cubs game against the Reds on Monday, September 17. He even stopped by Murphy’s Bleachers, a bar across from Wrigley after the game. I think his shirt says all you need to know about how serious Mark is about becoming part of the Cubs family. In all actuality, Mark seemed like a really nice, down to earth guy. This is obvious though, because he would have to be extremely nice to get in a picture with the douche to his right. Sorry Paul.

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