Have you ever dreamed of donning the blue and gold at the 50 yard line of the historic Notre Dame Stadium?

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p>From your friends at Burly Sports, here is the Burly Sports Show. Funny stuff, definetly worth a watch.

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I want to warn you, this is a sad story. It is an illustration of how much of a joke former heavyweight champion/boxing icon/and estranged wife kidnapper Riddick Bowe has become. The following events are true. I’d like to begin by apologizing if this destroys the godlike aura that I’m sure most of the population associates with a true American hero.

One day back in May, I took the sports section of the Cincinnati Enquirer into the bathroom with me, and emerged 45 minutes later giddy as a schoolgirl. According to a feature story in sports that day, Riddick Bowe would be making a comeback fight. And he would be fighting not in Vegas, Manila, or the backyard of Mike Vick’s house; he would be fighting just outside Cincinnati in Florence, KY!

Me and a coworker were determined to be a part of the spectacle. The report initially said that the fight would be held at a place called Sports of All Sorts (SOAS), and we immediately called to get tickets. A woman told us that tickets would go on sale July 5th, and to call back then. This was very exciting, although we probably should have been suspicious since SOAS is one of those family fun places with soccer fields, bball courts, go karts, bumper boats, etc. Not exactly the place to stage a big event in a seedy sport featuring a convicted kidnapper. Also, Bowe’s opponent for the fight was announced as Rocky Phillips, a Dayton, OH native whose physical appearance and 21-14 career record indicate that he’s nothing more than some guy who was laid off from the Delphi plant up there and was literally fighting for his next meal. Even the goofy white guys with moustaches you always see Mike Tyson annihilate on ESPN Classic are more intimidating. Mental red flags probably should have been thrown up because of this, but we anxiously awaited the day tickets would go on sale, blissfully ignoring the warning signs.

(The Glory Days)

When we called on July 5th to get tickets, the person as SOAS told us that the fight had been moved to Turfway Park, a horse track nearby. While it seemed stranger to have a boxing match at a horse track than at SOAS initially, we were able to rationalize it very quickly by telling ourselves that maybe this way the gambling aspect of the fight would be a little easier to regulate at a place where gambling already took place. Great call by the promoters! We called Turfway, and the person that answered told us that no one was supposed to know the fight was there, and that only one person on staff knew anything about it, and that person would be out until July 24th.

Then things got worse for the Riddick Bowe lover in all of us. There was a 1 paragraph article in the paper saying the fight had been pushed back to August 5th (a Sunday??), with no other information. Then another blurb saying that the fight had been moved to the Waterfront. Now, the Waterfront is a restaurant, and a nice one…so now Riddick Bowe was fighting in the parking lot of an operating restaurant. Were they going to rope off spaces for the ring? How would they sell tickets since people would be parking both for the fight AND the restaurant? Why would the owner of a Waterfront (a local legend) allow his high end patrons to be subjected to glancing out the window and seeing Riddick Bowe pummeling an Andy Reid look alike?

Needless to say we were saddened by the shocking plummet that Riddick Bowe had taken. To make matters worse, there seemed to be no one promoting the fight, as we could find no info on how to get tickets or who to contact for information.

Finally, an article in the Cincinnati Post confirmed what we feared. The fight, which had changed locations and dates without us knowing (and upgraded the location to a hotel parking lot), was postponed indefinitely. There were some great quotes from alleged matchmaker/promoter Don Elbaum (who is about 100 years old) saying that problems with the Kentucky Boxing and Wrestling Authority caused the cancellation and that it was a shame because they had tickets sold and a genuine buzz about the fight.
I guess that senility has started to take its toll on Elbaum. If two people genuinely interested in the fight couldn’t find the buzz or the tickets, maybe Riddick Bowe isn’t quite what I remember him as.

The fight is supposedly being rescheduled for late September, and in the meantime the hostility between Bowe and Phillips seems to have dissipated. If Riddick Bowe wants to be back in the public eye, maybe another kidnapping is the way to go. Just as OJ.      

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Dear John Kitna,

Hey buddy this is God.  I know what you’re thinking….No way right?  Well “Yahweh” John-O!  Get it?  One of the apostles told me that one over an Amstel Light last night and I thought it was pretty clever.  Anyways, I really needed to talk to you about your comments the other day.  I already have Roger Goodell all over my ass about the Music City Miracle a few years ago, and now you go and say that I made your concussion miraculously go away so that you could lead the Lions to an overtime victory over Minnesota last Sunday.

Let’s get one thing clear Kitna, I have only interfered in the NFL’s business on 3 occasions:

1. January 12th, 1969.  Super Bowl III

I really wasn’t going to interfere in the game, I figured the Colts would win easy, plus I liked Unitas; prayed every night, gave money to the poor, only had straight missionary sex.  But then I go on a 48-hour binge with Namath, and I go running my eternal mouth again, “Broadway Joe, if you can get those two blondes at the bar up to my hotel room, I’ll give you whatever you want…”  Wouldn’t you know it, he pulled it off, and so I had to return the favor.

2. February 1st, 2004.  Super Bowl XXXVIII

This one was another favor.  I was minding my own business, throwing lightning bolts at trees with Mary…you know, “Virgin Mother”.  Anyways, I get a prayer from my lifting buddy, Ed Hochuli.  He’s working the Super Bowl and he bet big money for Carolina to cover the spread.  Hoch’s always been a good friend, hell, I spotted him the first time he ever benched 500 pounds, a little point shaving was the least I could do.

3. September 25th 2005, New England Patriots vs Pittsburgh Steelers

Cedrick Wilson “accidentally” was knocked over by the hand of god…I mean me.  He just happened to fall into Rodney Harrison’s knee, tearing all of his ligaments.  Thou shall not play dirty Rodney.

So you see Kitna, I really only interfere with miracles once in a blue moon.  I mean do you really think that I am the type of guy who cares whether your concussion gets better in time for you to beat the Vikings?  I didn’t even watch your game, I was getting caught up on Real World Sydney.  What is up with that Parisa girl?  I bet you she’s an atheist.

I guess I’m just confused with your logic John.  You “definitely feel the hand of God”?  Apparantly you must’ve thought I was in the crapper when the Bills’ Kevin Everett broke his neck a few weeks ago and may never walk again.  I understand you’re really into me, a lot of NFL people are.  I see the kneels in the end zone, the points to the sky, the praise in the locker room.  I get it, big ups to me, I know I’ve done a lot of great things.  But performing a miracle at halftime of an NFL game just wasn’t one of them.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a tee time with Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. and this dude that pushed a girl out of the way of a car.

PS.  Tell Hochuli that he still owes me a case for that Appalachian State-Michigan game…I can’t believe he fell for that one.

Sincerely,
God

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There are a lot of Americans who completely dismiss soccer as a little girl version of American football.  I actually like the game, although I watched the double-dutch and domino world championships when they were on TV, so it is fair to say that I might not be a great barometer was what is cool.  However, I know this video is cool.

 The man dribbling like a Seal in that video is Brazilian soccer phenom, Kerlon, who apparently will be the next Ronaldhino.  I think Kerlon has slightly better teeth, so I really don’t see the comparison. 

At the same time that is some pretty sick shit.  His opponents are very impressed with it as well, because as soon as he starts the “Seal Dribble,” they launched their shoulders, feat, fists, at his face.  Don’t worry kid, they said Einstein was crazy when he first started talking about that relativity mumbo jumbo, you are just ahead of your time.  They even laughed at me when I decided to write a sports blog with 0% creativity and 100% piggybacking off humorous, amazing videos.  Look how I turned out…(tear) More Kerlon for your viewing pleasure:

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I would like to think that Congress has better things to do, but as per usual, I am wrong.  How about you solve the trade deficit, universal health care, poverty problems or the widening gap between the rich and the poor you clowns?  Instead you decided to entertain a group of rickety old football players and listen to their sob stories.

Maybe I am not compassionate, but I really couldn’t care less about what any of these guys have to say.  Remember when you decided to play football for a living fellas? The last time I checked the game isn’t all handjobs, reach-arounds and daisies.  If someone asked me to throw a leather helmet on and run into a bunch of 250 pound very angry men, I might have to decline.  Instead you old bastards decided that you were the toughest guy around, so tough in fact that you would risk for livelihood, knees, and spine in the future to play the game and attempt to make a modest living.    

The worst part about this entire situation is the MASH unit that was brought to Capitol Hill to make everybody feel sorry for these guys. You would think that these guys just stepped out of the medic tent at the Battle of the Bulge. Most of them hobbled to the table to speak about how terribly they had been treated by the terrible NFL that pays them a six-figure pention. I am pretty sure one of them was wearing an 85th airborne uniform circa 1941 to illicit sympathy.  Even Mike Ditka, the poster boy for this campaign thought the whole thing was a bit ridiculous:

The Congress of the United States has a lot more important things to do than this,” said Ditka, his bellowing voice filling the packed hearing room. “I’m ashamed that it has come to this.”

Mike, you shouldn’t be nearly as ashamed as the clowns in Congress for even entertaining the fact that you are important enough to have a hearing about.  I wonder how many people in the real world who worked at a job for 12 years and then quit or retire receive a six figure pension.   No one in the working world receives pensions and benefits even close to what you have been complaining about for what seems like 10 years.

When he isn’t having people Tazered, John Kerry, who was in attendance,  is making terrible, untimely football related jokes.

 “It seems to be that the league itself has dropped the ball here, no pun intended,” said Senator John Kerry, Democrat of Massachusetts. If the league does not act, he said, “I am prepared to introduce legislation, to create some kind of legislation that could create some kind of accountability and oversight.”
Oh, no John, not legislation.  You mean the kind that would be mired in Congress for five years before being swept under the rug or indefinitely placed on hold? Now that is progress.

I apologize that no one cared enough to pay you well enough when you played 30, 40, or 50 years ago.  I also apologize that today’s players get paid millions of dollars to do the same thing you used to do for peanuts  I even apologize that you used to wear leather helmets or no face masks, although I would have probably figured out that was a terrible idea to play wearing either of those things.  But for god’s sake, just keep it out of Congress. When these Congress people are finished taking handouts from their constituents, I want them trying to help America, not listening to Mike Ditka (who I am sure is just as terrible as a spokesperson as he is a commentator) complain about people who are already receiving pensions that would make most of us puke. By the way Old Player, you only played 15 years at most. You only worked for 15 years of your life and you are asking for a huge pention for the rest of your life. Where the hell do you get off?

You think Ray Nitschke would be asking for a raise in his pention if he was alive.  No, he would be spearing people and ripping out any organs, bones, ligaments that he needed at that point. 

Do you think that Chuck Bednarik (read Opinions on Current Players), who calls today’s players “pantywaists,” who “suck air after five plays,” and “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma,” is asking for more money?  No, he is constantly stealing Frank Gifford’s lunch money to make ends meet.  “Iron” Mike my ass.

The Angry T

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Once again, several players ruined my fantasy week.  So, here are the Fantasy Boobs of the Week for Week 2.  Just to refresh, the Fantasy Boobs of the Week include a group of players that screwed you over in fantasy football this week. For your viewing pleasure, I have replaced the players with people that you would have rather seen screw you over this week.  Most of the people below could have at least got you half the points that the actual players did, and they would have done it will a low cut shirt with several nipple slips.

LaDanian Tomlinson – Five Fantasy Points – It is hard to rag on LT, but I love Jessica Biel enough that I really wish I could have injected her into my fantasy league lineup this week.  In case you were wondering, the “inject” portion of that sentence was a sexual reference, although I am not quite sure how. 

Before: Featuring LaDanian Tomlinson

After: Featuring Jessica Biel

Lee Evans – 1.7 Fantasy Points – Lee Evans has scored one fantasy point in two weeks.  There is no way to describe how terrible this type of production is for a number one or two receiver on most fantasy teams.  The good news is that with J.P. Losman at quarterback we can expect at least six fantasy points by the end of the season for Lee.

Before: Featuring Lee Evans

After: Featuring Hayden Penatierre

Vernon Davis – Two Fantasy Points –  Davis’ breakout season has amounted to 23 receiving yards thus far.  Apparently, running a 4.4 and benching 500 pounds does not guarantee that you will score more than two points in two fantasy weeks.  For the record, a skinny post down the seam to Eva Longoria would have gotten at least three points by this time.

Before: Featuring Vernon Davis

After: Featuring Eva Longoria

The Angry T

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