In all of my years of parochial K-12 schooling, I was often engaged in debates regarding the accuracy of biblical literature as it pertains to symbolism versus literal translation.  Naturally, I was beaten senseless by the nuns and later “consoled” by the priests for said “debates.”  Ok, so I wasn’t actually struck or molested by any person of authority in the Catholic Church, but I’ve been told God will forgive you for anything, so what’s one little lie to lead into the main topic of this article?

Last week I realized that atop the BCS rankings for college football are #1 THE Ohio State University Buckeyes and #2 Boston College Eagles.  This struck particularly peculiar for me because, historically, this type of meeting has not occurred often in the Earth’s past.  Yet, quite possibly, the clashing of such titans may finally end civilization as we know it.

I, Raging M-crates, have seen the stars alignment and must now predict that on January 7, 2008, beginning in the epicenter of New Orleans, LA, the end of the world will occur.  I know what you must be thinking.  How could I possibly come to such as devastating and completely perfect prophecy?  For you, the Angry T reader, I present the evidence:

1. New Orleans is the site of one of the most destructive natural disasters of all time.  Those who have been haunted by Katrina have described the area as chaotic and lawless.
2. The SEC was ranked by major sporting networks and press as the top conference in NCAA football.  The ACC, and more importantly, the Big Ten conferences were rated as the worst this year.  Sounds like up is down, and down is up.  Bizarro world, even.
3. Boston College, a school founded by the Society of Jesus in 1863, is “committed to maintaining and strengthening the Jesuit, Catholic mission of the University, and especially its commitment to integrating intellectual, personal, ethical, and religious formation.”  I don’t know about you, but sounds pretty “Good Guy” mentality to me.
4. THE Ohio State University (where T.H.E. stands for “Truth, Hate, Evil”), with team headed by Jim “Grand Master of Darkness, Despair, and D-average student-athletes” Tressel, has recently become the site of the most souls-for-wins contracts with Satan, recently beating out USC & Florida.  Former front-runner Nebraska—once the record holding university for devil-based boostering because who the hell would want to live in Nebraska—was finally found guilty in the Ring of Fire appellate division after being accused of breaking contract in 1997 by “praying to God that the Coach’s Poll would not have Michigan ranked #1 like the AP Poll,” thus propelling them into the title of Co-National Champions.  The sentence given was 500 years of terrible football, and 250 years of poor corn sales.

But above all, I returned to a reading I recalled from years ago that comes from the Book of Revelations in the Bible.  Again, I do not wish to push my or anyone else’s religious beliefs onto any reader, but I think this passage secures my prediction.  To the readers of The Angry T, pray to whomever your god is that I am wrong:

Book of Revelations 23:14-16

And unto you, I besiege your soul with the completion of thy existence in this world, and that which no longer awaits you in the after-life.  For those whom follow the word of Jesus will fight in a great battle for continued civilization, but alas, the serpent will return in the form of a man in a gray sweater vest, stronger and more cunning than history has portrayed, and he will destroy you all and engulf your souls.

Raging M

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Don

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The NBA season kicked off last night with a Spurs victory of the Trailblazers.   The NBA is my favorite sport simply because there is no where else in the world where Stephen Jackson could be employed.  To get acquainted with all the off-season moves, I was perusing the rosters and found that a lot of teams have a lot of talent sitting on the bench.  I am not talking about Francisco Elson or Travis Outlaw but rather the guys who won’t suit up all year.  I am talking about the assistant coaches.  There is a ridiculous amount of talent at the assistant coach position in today’s NBA.  So, in honor of the beginning of the NBA season and Stephen Jackson, we have put together All-NBA assistant coach team.  Tell me this first team doesn’t have a shot at winning 20 games in today NBA:

All-Assistant Coach First Team

C – Kareem Adbul Jabbar – Lakers – If he isn’t high, he could still score 20 a game in this league.   In fact, even if he is, he could probably still score 18 against the average NBA center.

PF – Bob McAdoo- Miami Heat – If he can come close to the 34.5 ppg and 15 rpg that he had 74-75, this squad could be dangerous. (Look at a young Phil Jackson in the frame)

SF –  Alex English – Toronto Raptors –  “The Blade” adds scoring (25,000 in his career), length and that sick jersey.

SG – Adrian Dantley – Denver Nuggets – With A.D., a man who scored 30 points per game in four consecutive seasons, these team might score 150 a game. 

PG – Terry Porter – Detroit Pistons – Terry is great from long range and ranks 11th on the all-time assist list with 7160 dimes.

All-Assistant Coaches Second Team

C- Patrick Ewing – Orlando – The last two years have seen referees call a record number of traveling violations.  This could spell doom for Patrick.

PF – Dave Cowens – Detroit Pistons – Cowens brings defensive toughness, rebounding and championship experience (Sorry Patrick) to the front court. (Did you know Dave Cowens could dunk like this?)

SF – Kurt Rambis – LA Lakers – Every team need a glue guy, and Rambo is just that. Plus, he could board and with him at the three, this team will never give up an offensive rebound.

SG – Mark Aguirre – New York Knicks – The former #1 pick out of Depaul will be a nice scoring compliment to Ewing and Cowens.  (4 HOF’s in one commercial)

PG – Paul Pressey – New Orleans – (This is where the pickings got slim) We are going to go big and put Paul, who was one of the first point/forward type players,  at the point.  He averaged 5.1 assists per in his career, so he can dish if necessary.  Most importantly, Paul was a three time All-Defensive selection, and with Kurt Rambs in the starting lineup, this team better be able to stop the other guys.

Note: Wes Unseld (Washington Wizards) should be somewhere on this team, maybe in place of Kurt Rambis.  I would hate to play Wes out of position though, as it does a huge disservice to the man.  So, he goes on the first team and plays big minutes as the sixth man.  

Out of the 11 players chosen for these two teams, six are Hall of Famers. I am fairly certain that the first team might be able to finish third in the Atlantic Division, no offense to the vaunted 2007-2008 New York Knickerbockers.

The Angry T

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As I am sure you are aware, Alex Rodriguez opted out of this contract with the New York Yankees. According to his agent, Scott Boras, Alex was concerned with the direction the Yankees were moving after Hank Steinbrenner

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Greg Spires injured his leg today.  That information is neither relevant nor interesting.  However, when Greg was injured, the trainers brought out the cart to take him off the field.  Greg eventually got up and walked off under his own power, but I began to think about how lame the cart actually is.  They take injured players off in a maintenance cart you can find at your local pitch and putt.  This is a multi-billion dollar league with facilities worth hundreds of millions of dollars and the best they can roll out to take their injured players off the field is a golf cart.  It is pathetic, but not to fear, I have compiled a list of 10 vehicles that should replace the cart as the mode for taking injured players off the field:

10. Hovercraft – According to my calculations, the hovercraft will be the world’s main transportation method in around 10 years.  The NFL may as well get out in front of this trend.  (I can assure you the last five minutes and 48 seconds of this video are just as entertaining as first 10.)

9. Dog Sled Team – Those animals have a lot of down time between the Iditarod and getting beat into submission by their owners the rest of the year, they may as well be put to good use.  Plus, can you imagine the irony of a re-instated Michael Vick being carted off the field by a team of dogs.

8.  Hover-Skateboard from Back to the Future- This fantastic use of hover technology will take the torn-ACL’s and injured spines off the field in style.   For larger players several skateboards could be tied together.

7.  Budweiser Clydesdales – An exciting mode of transportation off the field meets a fantastic marketing opportunity.

6. The Ambulance from Mid-90s Madden Games – An ambulance would be especially effective if it mimicked the actions of the ambulance in the video game and ran several players over on the way to injured player.

5. Robosaurus- Is there a better form of transportation than a 42-foot tall, 30 ton dinosaur-shaped robot that eats cars?  Even if you just tore every ligament in your knee, how could you not at least crack a smile if you got carted off in this thing?

4. Johnny 5 from Short Circuit –  Staying in the robot category, the out-of-work robot Johnny 5 could cart injured players off the field.  He will also be able to read books very quickly and play three card monte at unbelievable speeds.

3. A Segway – Strap a stretcher to the back of this thing and you are good to go.  Plus, it’s electric, so no environmental issues like Johnny Five, which runs on baby seal blubber and rising ocean temperatures.

2. The Mutts Cutts Mobile – Preferably, this would be driven by Jim Carey, although I am equally comfortable with Michael Vick at the wheel. Irrrroooonnnnyyyyy.

1. Small Wrestling Rings ala WrestleMania III – Wrestlemania III was the seminal event in the lives of most Americans.  Hulk Hogan body slammed the 500+ pound giant and instantaneously inspired millions to follow their dreams. The smaller, motorized wrestling rings that took the combatants to and from the ring at the Silverdome would be the perfect way to cart an injured warrior off the field. 

An ice cream truck covered in human skulls driven by Ed Hockuley barely missed this list.

The Angry T

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It seems that Bud Selig is tired of playing the Barney Fife to Roger Goddell’s Andy Griffith.  We all know Selig as the puttering old man who has run Major League baseball into the ground and has made every fan wary of any milestone that gets broken.  Well, sometimes perception is reality and sometimes it’s not. 

Major League Baseball is the bastard stepchild of the NFL no longer, at least in terms of revenue.  While we were lead to believe that baseball was a dying game full of roided-up roided by freaks.  Baseball was supposed to be losing fans hand over fist to the NFL.  “The inner-city won’t embrace the game,” they said.  Well, don’t believe the NFL Hype machine. 

Baseball’s revenue has grown for three billion in 2000 to six billion in 2006. This growth fueled by record breaking attendance figures the last two years.  The NFL’s revenue grew at half that rate over the same period of time.  So, amidst the biggest steroid crisis in the history of professional sports, baseball has seen 100 percent revenue growth over the last six years.  It is true that baseball plays many more games that football, but the revenue growth cannot be ignored.  Football is still king, but don’t sleep on the American pastime. 

The Angry T

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I have some bad news for all those Yaroslav Korolex fans out there. He was released by the Los Angeles Clippers today.
Remember how everyone was telling you that the NBA would be taken over by Europeans. Your hometown starting five was
supposed to be littered with Yiris, Vitalis, Darkos and Vladimirs. In fact, very few of the great white hopes from the
mother countries turned out to be very good at all. Since 1996, 46 players from Europe have been drafted in the first
round of the NBA draft. These 46 players have combined for a total of 12 All-Star appearances, six of which come
courtesy of Dirk Nowitizki. (Mehmet Okur, a second round pick has also appeared in one All-Star game)

Out of those 46, I see around 13 potential NBA starters. I thought these Euros were supposed to chance the game
forever.

If you look at the young Europeans who haven

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