On Sunday, September 16th, The Colorado Rockies defeated the Florida Marlins 13-0.  Even though it was a beautiful day (83 degrees and dry according to the box score), Coors Field was only 38% full.  The fact that only 19,161 fans showed up to a stadium that holds 50,455 wasn’t really a story, it was simply the norm in Colorado.  Throughout the 2007 season, the Rockies averaged only 28,978 fans a game (57.4% capacity); good for 19th place in a league of 30 teams. 

The only thing is, after that game against Florida, they took 4 straight from Los Angeles at home (breaking 50% capacity at Coors only once).  Then they went on the road and won 6 more in a row against San Diego and LA once again.  The next thing you know, Dane Cook is acting like he knew there was a baseball team in Colorado, and Frank TV has an imitation of Clint Hurdle.  Of course now you can’t find a ticket, 50,000 of them were sold to “Rockies Fans” in 2 ½ hours.  While there is no doubt that “Rocktober” has officially hit Denver, there is something much more important to notice here.  In a sports world filled with bandwagon fans, outside of the 2003 Florida Marlins, the 2007 Colorado Rockies have the largest group of bandwagon fans that I’ve seen in as long as I can remember in all 3 of the major sports.

ESPN.com only goes back to 2001 in their attendance figures, but here is how the Colorado Rockies fan base has treated their home team:

          Average/game (% capacity)
2007- 28,978 (57.4%)
2006- 25,999 (51.5%)
2005- 23,944 (47.5%)
2004- 29,595 (58.7%)
2003- 28,815 (57.1%)
2002- 33,800 (67.3%)
2001- 39,096 (77.9%)

It’s pretty easy to see that not being competitive has driven away a large chunk of their fan base.  However, the Cubs, Orioles, and Reds have similar problems, yet they out sold the Rockies this decade consistently.  On and off playoff teams like Houston, Cleveland and San Francisco have also destroyed the Rocks at the ticket office as well.

So when you head to Coors this Saturday Rockies Unfaithful, let me give you a couple tips so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of some of the actual fans at the game (although with tickets going for 790$ on the low end on StubHub, there may be no true fans at the game).

1.  Armando Reynoso is no longer on the Rockies pitching staff, although his mustache played for 3 more years after he retired from baseball in 2002.

2.  If anyone asks you, Todd Helton’s chin has always looked that big, and no, you don’t think there’s anything weird about a guy who hit 126 HR’s in a 3 year span during the heart of the steroid era (99-01), now only hitting 52 HR’s in his last 3 years. 

3.  They didn’t move Byung-Hyun Kim to second base, that’s actually Kaz Matsui.

4.  Don’t scream when you see a monster start lurking out toward first base when it’s your turn to bat.  That’s no monster, that’s First Base Coach Glenallen Hill, he’s only part monster.

5.  If you see that homeless guy begging for change near the rightfield line entrance, give him some change, that’s Dante Bichette and he did a lot for your franchise.

I understand that when a team has a magical season, you’re going to get some fans that didn’t bother going through the hard times.  Hell, I grew up paying 5 bucks for a ticket to watch Damion Easley, Tony Clark and Bobby Higginson run my Detroit Tigers into the ground.  Last year I wasn’t thrilled with how much harder it was to get tickets, but from the first month of the 2006 season on, the city really supported the team day in and day out.  Detroit fans earned the right to watch their team play in the World Series.  This Rockies thing seems dirty.  Thousands of fans who didn’t follow Colorado all year are allowed to reap the benefits of three weeks of unbelievably hot baseball.  Colorado Rockies?  That John Denver is full of shit man.

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

The World Series is set to begin tomorrow and once again the governors of Massachusetts and Colorado have made a stupid, “We bet you what we grow in our state for what you grow in your state.” This time around it boiled down to the Boston putting up Ice Cream and Lobster against the Colorado Beef. Wow, way to think outside the box fellas. These are the people that we trust to solve our complex governmental problems and they come up with these awful bets. Don’t worry governors, we will do the thinking for you. Below are five things that each city could put up for the bet which would make things several times more interesting in this series. Each of the ten things below are staples in the respective cities and these are the things that each Boston should send to the Colorado in the event that they lose, or vice versa.

Red Sox – Things that the Red Sox could wager –

100 Drunk Douchebag Red-Sox Fans – A video is worth the 50 words I could have used describe why it would be a good idea to wager these people.

Antoine Walker’s Used Size 42 Game Shorts - Despite his girth, that man can shimmy.

The Knife That Stabbed Paul Pierce 11 Times and the Two Men Convicted of The Stabbing – The weapon and the men who wielded it against Paul will be transferred to a Denver area penitentiary. In an effort to start the healing process, Paul will get to stab each of the men in a non-vital organ…for charity.

A Dime Bag From Bill Belichick’s Son – He has good shit.

Tom Brady / Giselle Sex Tape – This tape was filmed by Bill Belichick while Bill was wearing just a hoodie. This tape is filthy, and you can take my word for it, because I watched it will Bill’s son after we got high. (By the way, here is the latest papparzzi shot of Brady and Giselle, because I am that lame)

Colorado – Things that the Rockies could wager –

Three Locks of Dante Bichette’s Mullett – This lovely mullet and that T-shirt would make a great prize for the Boston Red Sox organization.

Barrell Man – The barrel schtick has run its course in Denver, so Barrell Man would get a new start and a new life as “Crab-Stuffed Mushroom Man” or “Disposable Gillete Razor Man.”

One Night With Dikembe Mutombo – Many of us have heard Dikembe’s famous “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” line as he walked into a bar at Georgetown. Now, if the Red Sox win, one lucky person will get the opportunity to be the one that sexes the shit out of Mutumbo.

The Colorado Crush – The Red Sox will receive this prestigious Arena Football team, owned by John Elway, which has a market value of well over $19.56, including the stadium.

Danny Ainge – It would seem like this is something that Boston would give up if they lose. Instead it should be something that Denver should have to take on if Colorado loses. Within one year the Nuggets will have either acquired every player in the league with a contract over 18 million dollars or they will have completely cleared out the cupboards and given J.R. Smith 45 shots a game.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

If I had to choose between having fresh drinking water and watching Duke women’s field hockey and having no fresh drinking water, I think I would choose the drinking water, but damn it would be close.  Well, the administrators of Duke and UNC have that unbelievably difficult decision in front of them, and they are choosing women’s field hockey.

First and foremost, the universities are watering FAKE GRASS, or astro-turf, to make the surface “more-playable.”  Second and second foremost,  the grass gets watered before practice and games while the city has 69 days of water left before their supply runs completely dry. Third and third foremost, this is fake fricking grass, that doesn’t need water to live and it is getting watered in to make the field "more playable" for a sport that very few people besides the players and coaches actually care about.

But don’t worry, Duke’s field hockey coach Beth Bozman is doing her part:

"I drive a hybrid, and I recycle," Bozman said. "I’m as green as anybody. I understand."

Well la de da Mrs. Beth Gore, I am sure the fact that you drive a hybrid will be of great comfort to the residents of Raleigh-Durham when they are bathing in local streams and constructing cisterns to harvest rain water to drink.  This is like when your buddy tells you, “I’m not racist, I used to work with three black guys,” after making a racially insensitive comment. 

"We made a commitment that we would not water at our homes," she said. "We’re very empathetic to the needs of the community," said Bozman.

That’s fantastic that you have chosen to do that Beth, because the city of Durham has banned all outside watering for the entire population in the midst of this drought.  While you may be empathetic Beth, I think you may be missing the big picture a little bit. Because while I am sure that the quality of this graceful game will decrease dramatically with an unwatered field, the 25 people at the game (a number that includes both teams and coaches) probably won’t even notice.

The Angry T         

Popularity: 1% [?]

Leave it to the Nintendo Wii to bring everything to the world of gaming that you could imagine, even things that are very fun in real life and not all that exciting in the video game world. Midway has released a game called

Popularity: 1% [?]

As I watched the field goal kicking contest that was the first 43 minutes of Eagles / Bears game this Sunday, my eyes were drawn away from the terrible offense to the very attractive Eagles cheerleaders wearing shorts that covered right around 25 percent of their asses. 

In a tribute to the those lovely women and their fantastic asses, I decided to attempt to find the NFL’s Hottest Cheerleader.  To figure out what is sure to be one of the greatest examples of investigative reporting of our time, we will go division by division, choosing a team’s best looking cheerleader and then stacking her up against other beautiful ladies in the division.  One cheerleader will advance from each division. Those winners will face off for the conference titles and then a “NFL Hot Cheerleader Championship Game” will determine the overall winner and the proud recipient of a five dollar gift card to Chili’s. 

We will begin with the NFC East, and I have to say I am in complete agreement with Michael Strahan about the Redskins Cheerleaders.

Dallas Cowboys – Toby Percival

Philadelphia Eagles –   Alicia

New York Giants – Ms. Strahan – Some NFL Teams do not have cheerleaders and in that case, I will be inserting some of the team’s best female fans.  In this case, Jean Strahan will strut her stuff against the best the NFC has to offer.  With 15.3 million dollars of Michael’s money in the bank, she is now an ardent Giants supporter. 

Washington Redskins – Anabel

After much deliberation and several trips to my bed room to do “in-depth research,”  the winner is….Anabel of the Washington Redskins, on the strength of that picture in the water.  We congratulate all those who participated, except Michael Strahan’s wife, because you have beaten me to my dream of winning a 15 million dollar lawsuit and never doing anything again.  Next up is the NFC South, and here is a preview:

The Angry T

Popularity: 33% [?]

I hate reality television.  Let’s get that completely out of the way before proceeding.

In that capacity, I wish to open a line of dialogue with any and all major network affiliates who are interested in ways they can utilize American’s love of sports and athletes to improve and/or create future reality television.  As ABC’s Dancing with the Stars show has used multiple athletes/sports personalities—Mark Cuban, Floyd Mayweather, Apolo Anton Ohno, Emmitt “The Dallas Shame” Smith, Evander Holyfield, and Clyde “The Uncoordinated Glide” Drexler— in an attempt to bring in a larger male audience, advertisers are now looking for new ways to exploit the American need to watch childhood athletic role models crush our ideological dreams and visions of them by putting them in tight pants or spandex and seeing what years of steroid use can do to the reproductive organs.

…Not that I was looking.  My brother told me about it.

Anyway, I have always been one to follow the creed, “If you can’t beat ‘em, find less physical ways to degrade them and take their money.”  I am sure many of you high-profile exec’s can certainly understand my viewpoint.  So, at the low cost of 5% of all advertising revenue gained for each idea used, may I present the following new gems and adjustments:

Shaq’s Big Challenge 2: Getting in shape before the All-Star break.
The basketball superstar / actor / rapper / baby-makin’ machine returns for a second installment of his previous show where the roles are reversed: the kids try to make Shaq sweat enough to turn him into a human Slip ‘N Slide.

Vinny Testaverde is 43…And Starting
After the success of Scott Baio is 45…And Single, this program would set this soon-to-be eligible professional bachelor back on the market where hot, sexy, relentless owners of teams in multiple fields of play can fight for the heart of VT.  Guaranteed presence of Mark Cuban.  Other teams in contention include other old athlete strongholds like the New York Yankees (pitcher), Detroit Red Wings (goalie), Miami Heat (center), and the Knights of Columbus (fish fry sioux chef/BINGO caller).  Rose ceremony to be replaced with “The Hard Snap Count,” where owners bend over in front Vinny and are told to “Give it to Me.”

The Contender 4
In an attempt to compete with Spike TV’s hit television series The Ultimate Fighter, Sugar Ray Leonard brings in co-host Stone Cold Steve Austin (he’s not up to anything, is he?) and starts a tournament of street fights among professional athletes who are interested in fighting.  Included participants:
Indiana Pacers Ron Artest & Stephen Jackson, French soccer star Zinedine Zidane (the headbutt guy), former MLB’er Rod Allen (will only fight in Japan), Mike Tyson, former NHL’er Bob Probert.  The winner of the tourney fights current champion Pacman Jones.

Survivor: Canseco
Jose Canseco, former MLB’er and The Angry T’s winner of “The Worst Secret Keeper in the World” lifetime achievement award, hosts this controversial series where the ‘roid rager joins up with federal agents in a quest to accuse professional athletes of former or current use of banned substances.  The twist: Canseco will be allowed to accuse anyone he chooses, regardless of evidence, and federal agents will take them into custody using batons while yelling, “Sir, you need to calm down!  He’s on the juice!”  First episode: Kurt Schilling.

The Biggest Gainer
Riding the coat-tails of NBC’s The Biggest Loser, the networks should be interested in a spin-off that goes in a completely different direction.  Some of the world’s greatest athletes also have some of the highest metabolisms, making it difficult to put on the necessary weight to prevent injuries and become super-powers at their respective positions.  Potential participants: Detroit Piston Tayshaun Prince, NBA analyst/former NBA’er Reggie Miller, #2 pick in the 2007 NBA draft Kevin Durant, St. Louis Cardinal David Eckstein, any soccer player from the Somalian or Ethiopian national teams, and Wee-man from Jackass.  Players will be forced to binge eat, stay in bed for days on end, and physical activity will only be allowed while playing their respective sports on Xbox and Playstation video games.

Raging M

Popularity: 1% [?]

People in the sporting world are far too busy these days.  Between the games, practices, interviews, felonies and bitches, some responsibilities just fall through the cracks.  One of these responsibilities is coming up with Halloween costume ideas.  Luckily for people in the sporting world, I have absolutely no responsibility and far too much time on my hands.  So here are some Halloween suggestions for our friends in the sporting world.

Erin Andrews
Suggested costume: Sexy Nurse, Sexy Schoolgirl, Sexy Naked Person, you get the idea.

Halloween is popular for two reasons:

1. Free Candy when you’re a kid
2. Girls’ lack of self esteem leads them to wear next to nothing to impress guys

Both of these reasons benefit me greatly.  While I highly doubt the conservative Andrews is going to be caught out at a bar in something too risqué, I would hope the gentlemen in Atlanta (where she lives) will keep their cameras ready just in case.  Erin, if your reading this, just know that guys will respect your reporting so much more if you dress slutty for Halloween.

Joe Torre
Suggested costume: Corpse, Zombie, Dracula, Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s

Now that Torre is unemployed he needs to start being a little more frugal with his money.  Considering I thought Torre was a zombie already, he can save some money on make up and just go as somebody who’s dead.
A quick note: why does everyone keep saying how Torre’s was great at keeping everything “in-house”?  Wasn’t it just last year that SI ran a story about how the Yankees hated A-Rod?  I think Torre is a good manager, but let’s not make him into something more then he was: a good manager with great talent.

Frank Caliendo:
Suggested costumes: variety of actors/commentators/etc……did you know Frank TV is coming to TBS?

Frank Caliendo is funny and does realistic imitations.  How do I know this?  Because there’s only one playoffs, there’s only one October…….God I love how clueless TV executives are. 

Shawn Kemp
Suggested Costumes: Condom, Father

About 35 different women from 22 states wish Mr. Kemp would’ve worn this costume more often from 1994-2000.

OJ Simpson
Suggested costumes: Murderer, Thief, Criminal, Author, Tiger Woods

If the Juice comes to your house this Halloween I hope for your sake you have fun size snickers bars.  He gets mad if homes don’t have fun size snickers bars, so mad he could kill you and allegedly his wife and her lover.

I could go on and on with costume ideas for our loveable sports personalities, but I don’t get paid by the word here at The Angry T, in fact, I haven’t gotten paid at all.  I just thought of another costume idea. (Please add your costume ideas in the comment section if you got something good).

The Angry T last Halloween

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]