It is that time of the year again. Football analysts have run the gamut of cliches’ and have started to throw out complete garbage and hope that no one notices.  In all fairness to these talented on-air personalities, how many times can you discuss whether the San Diego Chargers are a good or bad team without saying something stupid?  Well, these guys prove that the answer to that question is about three, unless you are Emmitt Smith, in which case you will screw up anytime you attempt to say anything.  Did he even have to audition for this job?  Because if he did, I imagine he would have sounded at least as dumb as he does on air.

Don’t worry Emmitt, you are not alone in your terribleness, especially in the high stakes game of football of football analysis.  In honor of SI’s recent top announcer list (Headlined by my favorite, Marv Albert), here are the Top Five Worst Football Analyst in television today. Emmy winners they are not.

5. Merrill Hodge – Merrill shares Mark Schlereths affinity for calling any player he likes a “football player,” with extra stress on the word “football”.  “Larry Johnson is a FOOTBALL player,” “Brett Favre is a FOOTBALL player,” “Neil Rackers is a FOOTBALL player.”  I am fairly certain that Merrill has compromising pictures of several ESPN higher-ups because he has been around far too long for his level of “talent.” I will give Merrill credit for his foresight on awfulness of USC receiver Mike Williams, he called that from the get go. Here is video evidence of his terribleocity:

4. Lou Holtz – This guy would be number one in a heartbeat if not for the wildly entertaining pep talks.  He offers absolutely nothing in terms of analysis, even though he was a coach for the better part of his professional life.  He does have the annoying little habit of picking Notre Dame in games that they have absolutely no chance of winning.  He is a lot like a grandpa that tells you ridiculous stories from his childhood that you don’t believe, yet you feel obligated to nod and act like your care/are paying attention.  At this point, I have absolutely no idea what he brings to the table as an analyst.  He could come in for the pep talk and take the rest of the week off and we would all be better off.

(Fast Forward to a minute in, its gravy from there)

3. Dan Marino – Although I don’t often agree with the Sports Guy, I do share his hatred for Dan Marino.  He has the pedigree, All-Pro, QB, fairly well-spoken, but unfortunately he offers absolutely nothing outside of what the average football fan already knows.  Plus, if I list him here, I get to show the video below.  Make sure you look at for the genuine fear in eyes of his Nick Buoniconti.

2. Mike Ditka – Ditka is another guy who has spent his entire life coaching yet offers virtually nothing in terms of analysis.  While I would love to hear more about the 85’ Bears Mike, I would much rather hear your sparkling commentary on a team that has played a game in the last 22 years.  The fact that ESPN put this guy on air (TV, radio and otherwise) at every possible opportunity will probably signal the demise of the worldwide leader.

1.  Emmitt is by far the worst analyzer in the history of analyzing things. This little snippet  from http://www.draftboardinsider.com pretty much reinforces the sentiment. (And that should be Barry’s record Emmitt, don’t forget that)

 Well here are Emmitt’s quotes of the week – that’s right, he’s four times as dumb this time around. Enjoy:
"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

On whether the Cowboys are on the same level as the Pats and the Colts:

"The Dallas Cowboys are not far behind. They are a distant third. They’re close but they’re not quite there yet."

"Cowboys lose big time," said Emmitt, when asked to describe what his reaction would have been had he been told Dallas would commit six turnovers and force one… in two words that is.

And for botching this one, he should’ve gotten fired on the spot. a) Not only did Smith compare the Cowboys comeback to Jim Valvano’s fight with cancer in a piss-poor attempt at shock-jock reporting, but b) he wasn’t even on the radar in getting Valvano’s quote correct. Valvano of course closed his famous speech at the ESPY awards by saying "Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up." Emmitt slightly, um, tweaked it by saying, "Never quit. Don’t quit."

The Angry T

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Goodbye Huston Nutt. Nice try Bill Callahan.  Mediocrity doesn’t pay Chan Gaily.  In a season that was plagued/blessed with no dominant college football team, several schools have recently cut loose their head coaches for failing to contend in a year where South Florida and Kansas have both been ranked #2 in the country. 

Some coaches were fired because they’re teams didn’t win (Duke’s Ted Roof), some coaches were fired because beating they’re rivals didn’t make up for sub .500 conference records (Texas A&M’s Dennis Franchione), and some coaches were fired because apparently 14 straight winning seasons isn’t enough (Southern Mississippi’s Jeff Bower).

Behind every fired coach is an equally inept coaching staff.  So with so many colleges around the country kicking their head coaches and their staffs to the curb, it’s only right that we put together the worst coaching staff ever created.  Some of these coordinators and coaches got fired, but surprisingly, some of them are still stealing paychecks week after week.

Special Teams Coach:

Keith Burns – San Jose State University
Net Average Punt- 30.33 yds (118th out of 119 D1 teams)
Kick Return Average 20.14 yds, 0 TD’s (86th)
San Jose State Kickers- 10-23 FG’s, 29-30 Extra Points

Keith Burns was previously the Head Coach of Tulsa (2000-02), where he capped off a stellar 3 years by going 1-11 in 2002.  Intent on getting completely ostracized by every single college football team, Burns is the worst special teams coach in college today.  Originally from Texas, Burns has worked hard at giving his sons the most Texas-style names he could think of (KC, Tanner, and Davis).

Running Backs Coach:

Randy Trivers – Syracuse University
Avg. 2.0 / Carry    5 Rushing TD’s
62.75 YPG   118th in Rushing Offense

When the only team rushing worst then you statistically is Texas Tech, a team that consistently throws the ball over 40 times a game, you have problems.  And when that same Texas Tech team has 12 more rushing touchdowns then you, you have more problems.  Randy Trivers is in his first year of coaching college athletics.  He won several 2A and 3A state championships coaching in high school, and he also was voted most likely to not run the ball, and prettiest eyes at Northwest HS.  Welcome to College Coach Carter, I mean Coach Trivers.

Offensive Line Coach:
 

John Reagan – Kansas University
27th Best Rushing Office
14th Best Passing Office

Does John Reagan show up to work twice a week?  Once a week?  When you have Bastion Booger as your coach, who knows lineman better? Kansas hiring an offensive line coach is like Jim Tressel hiring a sweater vest coach or Urban Meyer hiring a smug asshole coach. 

Offensive Coordinator:

Mike DeBord- University of Michigan
4 First Team All-Big Ten Offensive Selections
1 2nd Team All-Big Ten Offensive Selection
1 Honorable Mention Big-Ten Offensive Selection
All-time leading rusher in Michigan History
Big Ten Lineman of the Year
4-Year starting QB
5th, 25th, 51st, and 83rd best NFL prospects according to Rivals.com
74th in Total Offense
9th in the Big Ten in Total Offense

Don’t give me the injury story; I know that Hart and Henne were rarely healthy together.  But they each played in 9 out of 12 games.  DeBord’s refusal to stray from what worked for him in the 90’s is a big reason Carr was more or less forced out at Michigan.  In a year where the Big Ten was exposed as a mediocre league, for Michigan to be 9th in total offense tells you all you need to know about DeBord (that and his 12-34 record as head coach of Central Michigan).

Defensive Line, Linebackers, Secondary, and Defensive Coordinator:

Kevin Cosgrove, Phil Emassian, Bill Busch, Buddy Wyatt- University of Nebraska

49, 40, 41, 45, 36, 76, 31, 65.  No these aren’t the ages of the women I’ve had relations with; lord knows I draw the line at 75.  No my friends, these numbers are the scores the Nebraska defense has let up this year.  This Defense gave up 232 yards/game on the ground and 38 rushing touchdowns, and the pass defense was only slightly better (not ranking in the top half of the country).  The best part about Nebraska’s website is that the coaches’ phone numbers are listed.  So if you’d like to congratulate the mastermind behind Nebraska’s worst defense in its entire history, call Defensive Coordinator Kevin Cosgrove at (402) 472-3116.  Be sure to ask for the guy who’s putting his stuff in boxes.

Head Coach:

Charlie “The Hamburgler” Weis
Losses to Navy and Air Force
38-0 losses to USC and Michigan
QB Transfers mid-season
Stomach stapled due to lack of self-control/addiction to hot pockets
Most losses in Notre Dame History
Contract through 2015

All of the previous coaches I’ve mentioned have either been fired, or are on their way out the door.  Mr. Weis however, is going nowhere.  With his contract firmly in place, the worst head coach in college football this year will be sporting Notre Dame colors for years to come.  I won’t go on about is troubles, but not because they’ve already been said; no I won’t cut the wound deeper because this guy really wants me to leave him alone:

-Violent J

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Pete Sampras, who hasn’t played in a professional tournament in five years, beat the number one player in the world, Roger Federer, in an exhibition match in Macau. Let that one sink in: the number one player in a professional sport lost to a man that hasn’t played in a legitimate professional tournament in five years.  In all fairness to “The Great” Federer, Sampras was the best player of his day and probably ever, but that fact by no means gives him a free pass. 

If he can beat Federer, my guess is that Pete can still beat a lot of other guys on the ATP.  In honor of Pete and his victory, we put together the group of guys in each sport that could come out of retirement and still be pretty damn good.  For your viewing pleasure, we present you the Old-Man River Team:

Football – Herschel Walker – Walker was the dictionary definition of jacked during his college and NFL career.  He still does around 5,000 pushups and sit-ups per day, so I am fairly sure he is in game shape. There are at least three NFL teams, including the Dolphins, who have a career back-up and a career pot-head splitting carries, that would love Herschel on the squad.

 
(Herschel Walker – 10 minutes ago)

Baseball – Tony Gwynn – Because Gwynn looked like this for the final few seasons of his career, and still hit .330, I think we could probably take the coaches hat off, dust off the cleats, and bang out 215 hits.  Or maybe not.

Basketball – Hakeem Olajuwon – When I saw Hakeem working out with Yao this off-season, I knew he could still put in 20 pts, 12 rebs and 3 blks.  Look at those calves for god’s sake.  Fourth best center in the East right now (Shaq, Howard, maybe Eddy Curry).

Hockey – Cam Neely – Even if he couldn’t still play hockey, the former 50 goal scorer could act like could play hockey.  His resume on the big screen is impressive and he has significant experience on the small screen in Denis Leary’s Rescue Me, where he plays in a charity hockey game.

Professional Wrestling – Ted Dibiase – Dibiase is now a full-time evangelical minister for Heart of David Ministries, whose logo includes a man about to get bodyslammed.  His closeness with God has also kept him in excellent shape (probably), and he is poised for a comeback under the pseudonym “The Hammer of God.” (Although the Million Dollar Man was a damn good gimmick as well)

I had Hacksaw Jim Duggan as my comeback wrestler until I realized he was actually still wrestling in the WWE…at age 54…poor Jim.

The Angry T  

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Last Saturday, University of Michigan quarterback Chad Henne added yet another chapter to his lengthy college career by leading a come from behind victory over his in-state rivals up in East Lansing.  As Henne finishes up an injury plagued senior year, he is still considered by most draft predictors to be a late first day, early second day NFL draft pick.  His arrival to the NFL will be much like the arrival of prior Michigan QB’s.

Since 1990, every University of Michigan Quarterback has been in the NFL.  Michigan Alums Elvis Grbac, Todd Collins, Scott Dreisbach, Brian Griese, Drew Henson, and John Navarre have all played on Sundays.  They’ve been average starters (Grbac and Griese) they’ve been spot starters (Henson and Collins) and they’ve been Clipboard holders who only lasted for a few seasons (Dreisbach and Navarre).  Henne is of course hoping he ends up like the one Michigan QB who has found success in the NFL, 2-time Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady.  So who will Henne become in the NFL?  Will he be a steal and become one of the great NFL Quarterbacks like Brady, or will he follow his predecessor John Navarre, who played in only 2 NFL games in 2 years before being cut by the Colts this year?  Like Navarre and Brady, Henne is a big, slow QB with a strong arm that can make all the necessary throws in the NFL.  So how can we tell which road he’ll go down?  Let’s try to find some common denominators.

1. COLLEGE STATISTICS
Tom Brady didn’t exactly rewrite the record books during his two years as Michigan starter:

Junior Year:  61.1% Completion 15 TD’s 12 INT   2636 Yards
Senior Year: 62.8% Completion 20 TD’s 5 INT 2586 Yards

John Navarre on the other hand is in the top 3 QB’s statistically in Michigan history.  I have read however that one of the major college statistics that determines your success in the NFL is completion percentage.  Looking at Brady’s vs Navarre’s percentage the theory holds true:

Junior Year 55.4% Completion 21 TD’s 7 INT 2905 Yards
Senior Year 59.2% Completion 24 TD’s 10 INT 3331 Yards

Here’s Henne’s numbers:

Junior Year: 61.9% 22 TD’s 8 INT 2508 Yards
Senior Year (7 games) 61.5% 14 TD’s 6 INT 1469 Yards   

The throwing percentage and yards look more like Brady’s stats then they do Navarre’s.

Result: HENNE MORE LIKE BRADY

2. CLUTCH COLLEGE PERFORMANCES
Tom Brady wasn’t automatic against any of Michigan’s rivals, but he did do something that hasn’t been done around Ann Arbor in a while…he won bowl games:
Notre Dame 1-1
MSU 1-1
Ohio State 1-1
Bowl Games 2-0

Navarre on the other hand, well he was about as clutch as an automatic transmission:

Notre Dame 1-1
MSU 2-1
Ohio State 1-2
Bowl Games 1-2

What are Henne’s records?  Let’s just say he still has a lot to prove after the Wisconsin game this Saturday.

Notre Dame 2-2
MSU 4-0
Ohio State 0-3
Bowl Games 0-3

Result: HENNE MORE LIKE NAVARRE

3. MICHIGAN FANS REACTION TO QUARTERBACK
While Tom Brady was quarterback, Michigan fans were constantly calling for Drew Henson to take his job.  He was booed by the student section on more then one occasion.

While John Navarre was quarterback, Michigan fans were calling for Spencer Brinton to take his job.  He was booed by the student section on more then one occasion.

While Chad Henne was quarterback, Michigan fans were calling for Matt Gutierrez to take his job.  He was booed by the student section on more then one occasion.

Result: MICHIGAN STUDENT SECTION IS FILLED WITH MORONS

4.  MY INTERACTION WITH EACH OF THE QUARTERBACKS
While I have never met Tom Brady, I imagine he is a great guy who could sweet talk me, impregnate me, and then leave me for a supermodel when the baby came along.  I also imagine he is very witty.

I met John Navarre during Michigan’s Bye week at a party being thrown by my friends in 2002.  He seemed like a nice enough guy.  The best part of course was that my incredibly drunk friend proceeded to pick a fight with Navarre about him being out drinking during the season, causing Navarre to literally become so upset that his eyes watered up and he screamed “This is why I can never go out anymore, because of people like you!!!!”  John Navarre=Sensitive

I met Chad Henne at a friend’s party during welcome week of 2004.  I was about to pour myself a beer from the keg when Henne approached me and asked “Hey, is this where the beer’s at?”  no Chad, we filled this big silver container with cat piss, the beer is outside in the middle of a crowded street, go pour yourself a glass.

Result: HENNE MORE LIKE NAVARRE

5. TASTE IN WOMEN
Tom Brady dates women that look like this:
 

I know from reading Navarre’s NFL bio that he is married to a women named Courtney.  When I googled “Courtney Navarre Marriage” this is one of the first pictures that came up, I can only assume it is John Navarre’s wife:

As for Mr. Henne?  Well trust me, there is no one that looks remotely close to as hot as Giselle or Bridget, here’s who Chad is spending time with apparently:

Championship ring and a skank on one side, Natural Light and a skank on the other.  I get the feeling that both these ladies will be seeing Chad’s Panther Tatoo tonight. 

Result: HENNE MORE LIKE NAVARRE

So unfortunately for Henne, it looks like he is about to enter the world of NFL career backups.  For some advice on how to hold clipboards and make ridiculous money for it, he needs hook up with Michigan Alum Todd Collins who is making 1.25 MILLION dollars this year despite only throwing 27 passes in the past 7 seasons.  God Bless America.

Violent J

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The game between the Michigan Wolverines and the Michigan State Spartans may have ended, but the animosity is still going strong. Spartans coach Mark Dantonio is spitting hate for the Wolverines after what he believes were inappropriate remarks from Wolverine running back Mike Hart.

“Can you tell my tone?” Dantonio said at his Monday news conference, time usually spent looking ahead to the next opponent.

“This game is an important game. If they want to mock us, I’m telling them, it’s not over. They can print all that crap all they want all over their locker room — it’s not over. It will never be over here. It’s just starting.”

The mocking to which Dantonio is referring is the

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The Angry T

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I had the pleasure of watching Pat Williams do his thing for the Vikings this Sunday. I was completely unconcerned with Adrian Peterson

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