Written by | Visited 1135 times, 40 so far today |
The vast majority of fantasy football seasons end in Week 16, meaning that most Week 17 performances are virtually useless for fantasy football purposes. For some reason, that didn’t stop the many players from playing well despite the fact that there were absolutely no fantasy implications. In fact, many of the players that absolutely screwed me in my championship game last week decided to step up their efforts and rub in the fact that I lost a fantasy championship, 120 dollars, and the eternal glory that come with a win.
For instance, coming off a fantastic 11-23, 115 yard, one TD and two INT performance in Week 16, Carson Palmer exploded when there was absolutely nothing on the line. (331, three TD’s, one INT) With Palmer under center, we have put together the All One Week Too Late Team, made up of players that barely showed up when it counted for fantasy owners, and then came out to play when there was absolutely nothing on the line (except a playoff position…blah,blah,blah).
QB – Carson Palmer
Week 16 – 115 yards, two INTs , one TD – 4 Fantasy Points Week 17 – 311 yards, three TDs, one INT – 22 Fantasy Points
This type of performance has been this guy’s mo the entire season. One fantastic week followed by two steaming dumps the next two weeks.
RB – Maurice Morris –
Week 16 – 11 rush, 40 yards – Four Fantasy Points Week 17 – 13 rush, 91 yards, one TD – 15 Fantasy Points
Morris was a solid fantasy pick-up once Shaun Alexander decided to age 13 years in a matter of one off-season. But when it actually counted in the fantasy championship game, his workload was reduced and he failed to produce.
Great call by Musberger
RB – Pierre Thomas
Week 16 – Three rush, 17 yards, six receptions, 29 yards – Five Fantasy points Week 17 – 20 rush, 105 yards, 12 receptions, 121 yards – 29 fantasy points
Pierre Thomas could have been a huge championship game pick-up, if he put up those 29 big points seven days earlier. With that being said, Pierre can hardly be blamed for the gigantic egg the Saints dropped at Soldier Field with a playoff spot on the line.
WR – Larry Fitzgerald
Week 16 – Seven receptions, 72 yards – 7 Fantasy Points Week 17 – 11 receptions, 172 yards, Two TD’s – 29 Fantasy points
Thank you for the 22 point boost when you are not only out of the playoff race, but also done helping me win my league. What happened to laying down when your season is over? Where is your pride Larry?
Week 16 – Four receptions, 44 yards, one rush, 16 yards – 6 Fantasy Points Week 17 – Four receptions, 131 yards, two TDs – 25 Fantasy Points
Hey Chad, the next time you put on a jacket after your catch a touchdown, make sure it says “Sole Person Responsible for losing The Angry T $120.” It would only be relevant to around six people, but it would accurately represent how much he ruined my life.
TE – Alge Crumpler –
Week 16 – Two receptions, 12 yards, TD – 7 Fantasy Points Week 17 – Three receptions, 67 yards, 2 TD’s – 18 Fantasy Points
Crumpler was largely useless this season, partially due to injury and partially due to Joey Harrington’s limp wristed throwing style. Alge then decided to show up when it made absolutely no difference in any way, shape or form.
(Here he is making fun of said throwing motion)
K – Matt Stover
Week 16 – 0 points Week 17 – 2 field goals and three extra points – Nine Points
You can’t blame Matt for not making it into field goal range. However, I refuse to blame myself for playing him, so I will have to place the blame on anyone who called Brian Billick an offensive genius at any point in his career. Randall Cunningham can make anyone coach look good.
Defense – Green Bay Packers
Week 16 – Negative Four Fantasy Points – 35 points allowed Week 17 – 8 fantasy points – 13 points allowed
The juggernaut Chicago Bears offense hung 35 points on Green Bay’s D while Detroit’s so called “Greatest Show put together by a man with a Learning Disability on Turf” was only able to score one TD in a meaningless game. You figure would Nick Barnett’s insatiable anger would be able to inspire the team to beat the likes of Kyle Orton and Mark Bradley when it counts.
Written by | Visited 1027 times, 32 so far today |
It has been over a decade since Kevin Garnett started the High School movement. This was around the same time that non-Americans like Zydrunas Llgauskas started finding their way onto NBA rosters. With all of these movements finally entrenched into the landscape of basketball, it’s interesting to see how much the league has improved because of the influx of college early entries, high school phenoms, and unknown foreign players to go along with the four year college players who used to be the norm in the NBA.
It got me thinking about a great alternative to the “Pac Man Jones Misdemeanor Tour” known in other circles as the NBA All-Star Weekend. Shockingly, the Eastern Conference/ Western Conference rivalry doesn’t seem to strike a chord with either side. As a result, fans’ interest in the event as a whole peaked years ago.
My alternative, which has almost zero chance of actually being considered by the NBA but is still fun to talk about, is to hold a mini tournament on the Friday and Sunday of All Star Weekend. The teams? All Star teams from four different categories: High School Draft Picks, Foreign Draft picks, Early Entry Draft Picks, and four Year College Draft Picks. I have to imagine Lebron and Dwight Howard are more proud of the fact that they went straight from high school to the league then they are of belonging to the Eastern Conference. You could play the semifinals on Friday and the finals on Sunday, and I guarantee the ratings would double.
When I created the teams, I did have a few rules:
1. Foreigners who went to college were put on the college roster instead of the foreign team (Steve Nash, a Canadian, went to Santa Clara for 4 years, so he is put on the 4 year college team.)
2. Each team was limited to 12 players, and I tried to make them as balanced by position as possible. This is why the Early Entry NBA Team is without Jason Kidd and Paul Pierce, but has Marcus Camby and Brad Miller.
Here are the four teams I came up with. Feel free to add what changes you would make by leaving a comment.
NBA ALL-FOREIGN TEAM
C Yao Ming (China)
PF Pau Gasol (Spain)
SF Dirk Nowitzki (Germany)
SG Leandro Barbosa (Brazil)
PG Tony Parker (France)
PG Jose Calderon (Spain)
SG Peja Stojakovic (Yugoslavia)
C Zydrunas Llgauskas (Lithuania)
SF Andrei Kirilenko (Russia)
SG Manu Ginobili (Argentina)
SF Hedo Turkoglu (Turkey)
PF Mehmet Okur (Turkey)
Last Cuts
Andris Biedrins (Latvia)
Anderson Varejao (Brazil)
Andrea Bargnani (Italy)
Yi Jianlian (China)
NBA ALL HIGH SCHOOL TEAM
C Dwight Howard
PF Amare Stoudemire
SF Kevin Garnett
SG Kobe Bryant
PG LeBron James
Bench
PF Jermaine O’Neal
SG Tracy McGrady
SG/SF Rashard Lewis
C Tyson Chandler
PF Al Jefferson
SG Josh Smith
C Andrew Bynum
Last Cuts
Stephen Jackson
Monta Ellis
NBA ALL SENIOR TEAM
C David West
PF Tim Duncan
SF Tayshaun Prince
SG Josh Howard
PG Steve Nash
PF/C Emeka Okafor
SG Jason Terry
SF Danny Granger
PG Andre Miller
SG Brandon Roy
C Brad Miller
F David Lee
Last Cuts
Grant Hill
Jason Maxiell
Jason Kapono
NBA EARLY ENTRY TEAM
C Marcus Camby
PF Carlos Boozer
SF Shawn Marion
SG Dwyane Wade
PG Baron Davis
Bench
C/ PF Rasheed Wallace
PG Chris Paul
SF Ron Artest
PF Chris Bosh
PG/SG Gilbert Arenas
SG Allen Iverson
SF Carmelo Anthony
Last Cuts
Paul Pierce
Jason Kidd
Chauncey Billups
Chris Kaman
Michael Redd
I think the NBA High School Team would probably win the tournament, but none of these teams are slouches. There are obvious reasons why the NBA would hate this idea, and obvious ideas why it wouldn’t work. However, if the NBA continues to think that the annual “Missed Dunk Competition” and the “Watch Dwayne Wade!!!!……Throw a ball through a tire competition” will hold anyone’s interest for much longer, then their ratings will continue to drop, and the Pac Man Jones’ All Star Weekend Reality TV Show will be the only hit during the NBA Midseason Break.
It is good to know that no matter what happens to Roger Clemens and his steroid charges, he is in good hands as long as he stays close with Rusty Hardin. No, Rusty Hardin is not Roger’s favorite pornstar, nor is it the name of special friend Roger’s wife uses while he is away on road trips. Oh no, Rusty Hardin is Roger Clemens’ lawyer. Hardin is the man that will make it very clear to us that Roger is a not only a victim of a steroid smear campaign, but also a humanitarian, a philanthropist, a licensed midwife, a patriot, THE Patroit, and the successor to mother Teresa of Calcutta.
Look at his list of clientele, Hardin is extremely qualified to represent Roger. Hardin represented the estate of Anna Nicole Smith’s billionaire ex-husband. Even though Anna-Nicole starred in a great film with Hardin’s cousin, Very Rusty Hard-On, the original Rusty made sure Anna didn’t get a dime. Remember that whole Calvin Murphy sexual molestation case? It was all taken care of, thanks to good ol Rusty Hardin. When Steve Francis and Rudy Tomjanovich were caught driving while intoxicated, they called Rusty and he made it all disappear. I have to imagine his easiest case was when he represented Wade Boggs on an assault case. Boggs was sued by the flight attendant on a team charter. Everyone knows that Wade is always a perfect gentleman on team flights. Rusty convinced the jury to side with Wade after only four minutes of deliberation. This guy is simply a miracle worker, on par with Anne Sullivan, and maybe better. By the time Rusty is done, George Mitchell will be serving 7-10 on charges of meth distribution, raquettering and money laundering.
In case you don’t believe me check out this link. If self-respecting Buckeye fans existed, I wonder how many would buy tickets from this site? Apparently America’s self-proclaimed largest ticket broker doesn’t dabble in college sports that much…
Scroll to the middle of the page and look for this gem:
” The 2008 BCS NCAA National Championship Game will make it’s debut at the Louisiana Superdome, in New Orleans, LA. The LSU Tiger will be playing the Ohio State Wolverines.”
I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of a world changing event for the better part of 11 years. I was waiting so anxiously that when it actually happened, I completely missed it. Everyone’s favorite spawn of Lucifer, New York Islander Miroslav Satan, has reached a milestone that I thought would signal the end of the earth. Sadly, it did not. Miroslav Satan notched his 666th point with a goal on December 21st against the vaunted Pittsburgh Penguins. The monumental event passed, not with a bang, but with a whimper, not unlike Y2K. Like every other right minded god fearing hockey lover, I was fairly sure that the battle for heaven, earth and Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum would ensue following Satan’s 666th goal. Instead, it was followed by a two minute holding penalty by Mike Sillinger and another 58 minutes or so of scintillating NHL action. The NHL can’t even do the apocalypse correctly, goddamn Bettman.
The holiday season isn’t only for children, professional athletes also have wishes and dreams they’d like fulfilled during the Christmas, errr…Hanukah, errrr…Kwanzaa, err…whatever holiday season you want to call it.
Kobe Bryant:
“All I want for Christmas is…skill off the basketball court.” It just seems that basketball is the only thing KB24 is any good at. Do me a favor and watch this (but do yourself a favor and stop about halfway through, we don’t need you killing yourself this early in the article)
Why, oh why Kobe. Will there ever be a day when athletes realize that there is a reason they play professional sports and aren’t hip-hop phenoms? It took about two times watching it to be sure that it wasn’t a SNL skit. Who was the last African-American who rapped more like they were white? Also it was just priceless when he flowed into what I think was Italian. That was his way of covering up just how awful it actually was. And I don’t even need to mention that leopard print hat. Can’t wait for the Kobe vs. Shaq rap battle, we can call it “56 Mile.”
Jason Kidd:
“All I want for Christmas is…a new watering hole.” The best tee shirt I’ve ever seen said, “Friends don’t let friends live in Jersey.” Well let’s hope for Jason’s sake he has some friends that are NBA GM’s. His contract is awful, his attitude has never been the best, he can’t shoot, decent defender (getting worse), but wouldn’t he look good in any other uniform? It’s sad to see someone so unbelievably skilled at upgrading the players around them deteriorate in the landfill that is the New Jersey Nets. He went from playing with oodles of talent on team USA to playing with Mr. Jefferson, Mrs. Carter and a bunch of no talent hacks. I feel for ya Kidd, I really do.
Shaun Rogers:
“All I want for Christmas is…a dietitian.” Ok, ok, there is almost no chance he actually wants one but for the sake of all Lions fans and employees, the overweight hippo needs one. I understand that for certain players a coach makes exceptions, but not making the fat oaf lose weight and get in shape is recockulous. Last Sunday he played an entire six snaps before he had his hands on his hips winded. Six plays? According to his player profile he weighs 340lbs. Yes if you cut off both legs he might weigh 340 (but you’ll have to stop him from eating those legs after you cut them off.) He’s about one double cheeseburger away from being the “Gluttony Victim” is Se7en.
I’ve contacted the Lions’ headquarters to see if there is a clause in Shaun’s contract that states that if he runs over 50 yards for a touchdown he can quit playing for the rest of the year; so far I have received no word.
Chicago Bears:
“All I want for Christmas is…a real quarterback.” They have been such a good team for so long we forget how pathetically putrid their quarterback play has been for the past two decades. Here is a list of quarterbacks since 1990 that have started for the Bears:
1990: Jim Harbaugh, Mike Tomczak
1991: Harbaugh
1992: Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer
1993: Harbaugh, Willis
1994: Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh
1995: Kramer
1996: Kramer, Dave Kreig
1997: Kramer, Rick Mirer
1998: Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
1999: Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller
2000: McNown, Matthews, Miller
2001: Miller, Matthews
2002: Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris
2003: Kordell Stewart, Chandler, Rex Grossman
2004: Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson
2005: Kyle Orton, Grossman
2006: Grossman
2007: Grossman, Brian Griese, Orton
My personal favorite stretch is Eric Kramer playing the better part of five consecutive seasons. I can just imagine the management thinking, ‘yes I think Eric gives us the best chance to win’ and at the same time saying ‘plus why would we want to develop a young guy at this point.’ Honestly the best prospect on that list is—I can’t believe I’m about to say this—Rex Grossman. How sad is that. You know it’s bad when fans are looking at other teams’ backups and saying, “Hey wouldn’t it be better if we had Sage Rosenfels?”
Bud Selig:
“All I want for Christmas is…a time machine.” I know what you are thinking, a time machine, how ridiculous is that. What you should be asking yourself was if Bud did somehow get a time machine would he go into the past and A) destroy steroids and change policy to make sure none of his players would take it or B) go back in time and kill anyone with any knowledge that these players were doing it and cover all their tracks. My money is on B. I know it’s terrible, and we all think we should and would always take the highroad. But let’s be honest for a second, prior to the Mitchell report steroids did more good for the sport than harm. We got more homeruns, more strikeouts, our favorite players got to play when they should have been eating prunes in an old folks’ home, we had another excuse to hate Bonds besides him being an ass, and we got the occasional laugh when we found someone like Nook Logan or Neffi Perez used them. Now that the shit hit the fan, baseball is in a hellhole, but you just have to wonder: what if there was no Mitchell Report?
National Hockey League:
“All I want for Christmas is…a fan or three.” Just incase you weren’t sure, I checked, and yes the NHL is still in business. Shocking isn’t it. When the team that claims they are “Hockeytown” can’t even fill its own tiny stadium, which only holds a shade under 20,000, there is a problem. Does anyone care that they still play games? Answer this question if you had tickets to an NHL playoff game and a WWE PPV event that were both on the same night, which would you go to? Yeah, me too.
Marion Jones:
“All I want for Christmas is…sympathy.” After admitting she used the designer steroid THG, better known as “the clear” Jones has been skewered by the press. Weeping at her press conference she begged for forgiveness:
Why shouldn’t we forgive her? We know she adamantly denied using steroids for the past five years, looked straight into the camera time after time and claimed “there exists no one who can truthfully testify that I have ever used performance enhancing drugs simply for the reason that I never have.” Oops, turns out she forgot that she can testify against herself. We should also feel bad for her because she claims she didn’t know what she was taking. Oh yes, that was just some scented massage cream that made your muscles bulge and your recovery time shrink. I forgot what KY was capable of nowadays. I feel sorry for you Marion. Oh wait, was I supposed to tell the truth?
Bobby Petrino:
“All I want for Christmas is…people to stop dumping me.” When will college football coaches stop trying to make the leap to the pro level? How rarely does it pay off? After Saban and Petrino recently bailed from their franchises I think we should put some restriction on college coaches, like they have to be coordinators for two years, or make them watch every Detroit Lions game of the past 10 years. It’s amazing how many people didn’t see this coming from Petrino. Are you telling me he never gave the “oh crap I made a big mistake” attitude at any time while coaching the Falcons? I find it hard to believe that he didn’t let on that he was leaving, for god sakes I mean he took the Arkansas job. No offense to the Razorbacks, but this isn’t like taking the Oklahoma, Florida, Ohio State, or USC job. Can you blame the guy, his quarterback was Joey “strawberries and piano” Harrington, and his defensive leader is DeAgelo “talk the talk” Hall. Wouldn’t you quit?
Roger Clemens:
“All I want for Christmas is…my reputation back.” The Mitchell Report did more damage to Roger than anyone else named in it’s pages.. Anything short of indisputable evidence that he did not use steroids will forever alter his perception as an athlete. The problem with documents like the Mitchell Report is that there is no real hard evidence or proof that he used except one man’s claim. Even if no charges are ever filed, in the public’s eye, the accused are already guilty. It’s also not great for o’l Roger that Andy Pettitte already admitted to using HGH. Not only does that gives credence to the statements made by the Mitchell Report, but it also puts Roger in a tough spot as now he looks like he’s standing alone against the allegations. If it turns out he did use steroids and is not admitted into the Hall of Fame, both the games’ greatest pitcher and greatest hitter of all time (Pete Rose) will be in the sports’ shrine.
Jessica Simpson:
“All I want for Christmas is…to support my boyfriend.” Maybe its mere coincidence that Tony Romo had his worst statistical game when his blonde babe was sporting his jersey at Texas Stadium
Even TO asked that Ms. Simpson stay away from Romo. The theory is that the beautiful but often ditzy Simpson was a distraction to the all-world quarterback. Personally I think it was the football gods cursing the Cowboys for letting that pink jersey in the stadium, which lends credence to why the Cubs have been bad for the last 215 years..
