I don’t even know why I am telling you this, you probably already have your Tivo set, but here it goes anyways; the Poinsettia Bowl is Thursday at 9 PM.  Of course you already know, because when you saw that Navy vs. Utah (the non Mormon people) match-up pop up on your computer screen last month you probably ordered up some tickets and planned your trip.  (Upon further research maybe you didn’t order tickets because I just found 10 seats in a row on the 45 yard line, lower level, for sale on ticketmaster).  But regardless, at least the Midshipmen and Utes get to spend some time in San Diego and end their season in time to go home for Christmas.

Other teams however weren’t so lucky.  While college football claims that bowl games are a reward for a strong off season, playing through injuries, giving it everything you’ve got and having a successful season (8-4 in the Mountain West Conference is apparently successful by the way) the teams invited to these bowl games must have wondered if all of the steroids they injected into their ass was worth it ( hey I saw The Program, you can’t fool me).  Let’s take a look at where we’re forcing some of our athletes to “vacation” over the holidays.

Motor City Bowl- Detroit, Michigan
Central Michigan vs. Purdue

Keep in mind that many of these Purdue Boilermakers are from Indiana, aka Hell.  So they work their ass off for months and months in hopes of escaping Indiana, if only for a week or so.  All that worked really paid off; Boiler Up and welcome to Detroit.  Now I am not one of those “Detroit is awful” people who have never been to the Motor City.  I was born and raised 10 minutes from Detroit and have known of its’ awfulness since birth.  If they made all of the bowl events actually occur in Detroit, the Purdue itinerary might look like this:

Friday: Watch someone get killed
Saturday: Set fire to an abandoned building
Sunday: Lions Game, possibly start in secondary
Monday: Burger King
Tuesday: Go to the strip club (this is Christmas day by the way)
Wednesday:  Play a MAC team
Thursday: Quit Football

New Mexico Bowl – Albuquerque, New Mexico
Nevada vs. New Mexico

I want to feel bad for the New Mexico Lobos, I mean who wants to play their bowl game at home?  Unfortunately I read they lost to UTEP (who finished 4-8) and TCU by 31 and now I am wondering if there’s ever been a bigger homer pick then the New Mexico Bowl selecting New Mexico.  Would any major conference team actually travel to New Mexico to watch a bowl game?   Unfortunately for the players, the bowl week is headlined by a hospital visit and something called the El Pinto Welcome Reception…..not exactly the beaches of Hawaii.  However beggars can’t be choosers and when Nevada’s win list is as follows (Nicholls State, UNLV, Utah State, Idaho, New Mexico State, Louisiana Tech) they get what they deserve.

GMAC Bowl – Mobile, Alabama
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3153883

Read the above link and then tell me that we need to have a bowl season instead of a playoff.  Bowling Green sold 1,500 tickets to this game last time they were here and had to eat $280,000 in lost ticket sales.  I don’t think Tulsa is an opponent is going to perk the interest of people from Ohio.  I can’t think of a better place to go to then the GMAC bowl on a Sunday the day before the National Championship game, oh wait, I meant the opposite of what I just wrote.

PapaJohns.com Bowl- Birmingham, Alabama
Cincinnati vs. Southern Mississippi

 
Much like its pizza, the papajohns.com bowl is bland, hot, and its pepperoni was not allowed to drink from the same fountain as the mushrooms until 1963. 

I hope that these bowl games will soon join the other bowl games that I’m glad are dead such as the Sunflower Bowl (1982-86, Winfield Kansas) and the Salad Bowl (1948-52), which has nothing to do with lettuce and croutons and everything to do with the center/quarterback exchange and things that happen in the pile during fumbles.

Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]

p>For all you soccer fans out there, Kaka has been named Fifa player of the year.  For all you attractive women fans out there, Kaka has a pretty attractive wife.  In fact, as I am sure you know, there are a lot of soccer players that have damn attractive wives and girlfriends.  So, in honor of hotness, we have decided to choose our own FIFA player of the year completely based on how hot their significant other happens to be.

The player of the year was chosen from this short list of players.  FIFA whittled those thirty names down to three players, Kaka, Christiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, and then choose Kaka as the player of the year.  We have decided to choose the five hottest wives and girlfriends of the players on that list and then make our choice.

We also encourage you to call us stupid, jerkoffs or assholes if you disagree with any of our choices, which someone most certainly will as we opitomize those three insults.   We do ask however that you give a link to a picture of the hotter wife/girlfriend as we would really appreciate seeing where we went wrong. Without further ado, here are the FIFA Wife/Girlfriend player of the year candidates.

Andriy Shevchenko – Chelsea – Kristen Pazik – American Model

Theirry Henry – Barcelona – Nicole Merry – Model
(on the left)

(Read her shirt and giggle)

Cristiano Ronaldo – Manchester United – Gemma Atkinson – Actress/Model

(There are about 4,000 fantastic pictures of Gemma Atkinson on google if you choose to look)

Luis Figo – Inter-Milan – Helen Svedin- Swedish Model

To get the goalies involved – Gianluigi Buffon – AC Milan – Alena Seredova – Czech Model, Miss Czech Republic 1998

Honorable mention because he won the real award – Kaka – AC Milan – Caroline Celico

Winner!!!

On the strength of Gemma Atkinson’s two most important assets, the winner of the AngryT/FIFA Wife/Girlfriend/Player of the year is Christiano Ronaldo. In the words of Lloyd Christmas, “Look at the funbags on that hosehound.”

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

On this last week’s Monday Night Football game between the Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints, ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser questioned how would Michael Vick stay in the shape necessary to be an NFL caliber player while in prison.  Admittedly, the extent of my experience or knowledge as it pertains to the federal prison system comes from a combination of Law & Order reruns (with Jerry Orbach only, may he RIP) and the local women’s prison where I visit the future Mrs. Raging M for monthly conjugal visits.  But considering this very valid question, how could Vick possibly spend 23 months in locked up—away from society and the general public, the trainers and coaches and teammates, family and friends, and of course his pet Shih Tzu “Dragon Slayer”—

–and return to any NFL team as a productive member?  With the NEW Raging M’s exercise book Sweatin’ in Solitary: A Prisoners’ Guide to Avoiding Gang Rape, Vick will be in the best shape of his life when returning to any NFL team.  Here are just a few of the exercises he will complete:

Cardio/Grip Strength – Don’t Drop the Soap:
A great source of cardio, Vick will be placed in a community showering area with ten 300 lb. convicts and a slippery bar of soap lying over the drain in the middle.  Vick must secure the soap and avoid being “tackled” while attempting to complete his shower and escape.  He will be required to lather, rinse, AND repeat multiple times until the guard deems him clean.  To progress, additional convicts may be added to the equation, each with a wider and more crooked penis than the last.  The penalty “Unnecessary Roughness” will not apply.

Hand/eye coordination – Shiv an Inmate:
To maintain his ability to scan a defense for weaknesses and properly adapt to environmental changes during a game, Vick will be expected to eliminate another convict utilizing the sharpened end of a toothbrush, eating utensil, bone fragment from another dead prisoner, or any other item without being detected by prison officials or guards.  In order to help with audibles, if Vick is, or anticipates being caught, he may choose to also eliminate the guard and other witnesses to succeed in getting the 1st down…on the ground and bleeding. 

Snapping the Football – Prison Bitch
Vick will be expected to procure a prison bitch within the first week to practice successful transfer of the football from under center.  A fumble is defined as anytime the Center is unable to successfully get his ball into the Vick’s hands, and as is common in the NFL, the result is for Vick to “turn over.”  Also, in order to avoid premature ejection from the starting Quarterback position, an honorary “tail back” will be stationed directly behind Vick and given the instruction to push him closer to the Center if he appears not to have appropriate physical contact.  To build a rapport, pants are optional, but discouraged.

Passing – Tossing the Salad
There simply is not an opportunity to throw the ol’ pigskin around while spending time in the pen.  Rolls of toilet paper are one of the highest forms of currency for inmates,  outdone by tobacco products, heroin, other inmates (see “Prison Bitch” exercise), and Harry Potter Novels.  Since projectile items are not readily available, sources close to the NFL have recommended highly that he keeps his arm fresh by “tossing anything that can be tossed.” 

Toughness – Gang Wars
Obviously, the first thing Vick must do to survive the duration of his sentence is to join a gang.  I recommend selecting a gang that contains (a) the largest, meanest, baddest fellas that recognize Vick has money, or (b) former members of any offensive line he has ever had.  However, he should not fear the gang lifestyle, but rather embrace it.  Although Vick could avoid serious contact in the NFL because of his speed and agility in the past, he will likely leave prison minus a step or two—and he needs to get used to the concussions.  Also, if he should return and get picked up by the Baltimore Ravens or Oakland Raiders, the adjustment period from being protected by felons will be minimal.

Footwork – Rollin’ Doubles
Once a week, Vick will attempt to escape from prison.  He must find a way to get out into the yard and make a mad dash to the three levels of barb-wired fences, avoiding detection by guards and disgruntled inmates.  Due to the fact he is Michael Vick, he can rest assured that he will not be shot while trying to escape due to the potential backlash by the Atlanta community for such a deed.  Ironically, though, guard dogs will be used to apprehend the escapee.

Raging M

Popularity: 1% [?]

I enjoy pictures of semi-famous attractive women in bikinis that are in some way related to sports, so here are some pictures of Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard. These photos are from a photo shoot for Triathlete magazine. Taking pictures in a bikini is actually a step back for Amanda, who got all kinds of naked earlier this year in playboy. I like the one where she is touching her boobs, because I am a pervert. You can find the rest at Hollywoodtuna.com.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

For those of you who did not watch the Cowboys/Eagles game, Jessica Simpson happened to make her way to Texas Stadium this Sunday, presumably to watch Nick Folk and his fantastic right foot.  Besides the loss Sunday, things aren’t going to bad for the former Eastern Illinois standout.

Jessica is well on her way to becoming the new Eva Longoria with the number of times they shot to her during the football game.  Joe Buck was gushing like an 8th grade schoolgirl over Jessica’s presence.  They even played one of Simpson’s song over some clips of the game and shots of her. However, she is hot, and I don’t mind.  In fact, I would love to see her newly hotter sister sitting beside her at the next home game rather than her beer swilling father and old man river.

Here is what it might look like if she decided to bring Ashley courtesy of some terrible photoshop work:

The Angry T

Popularity: unranked [?]

After I finished giggling at his name, I was really impressed at what Danny Woodhead accomplished in his college career. Danny rushed for almost 8,000 yards in his college career. I don’t care what division you happen to be playing in, a 2,000 yard per year average is pretty damn impressive. It is even more impressive when you consider that NFLDraftScout.com lists Woodhead at only 5’7”. Size isn’t as important in Division II as it is in Division I or the NFL, but 5’7” is still fairly small to play college football in any capacity. But small men have made great strides in many different sports and as a 5’10” individual, I feel it is my duty to honor these men. In honor of Danny Woodhead, (hehe) I am proud of unveil the All-Small Team made up of the best small men in each sport.

NFL

Barry Sanders – RB – 5’8” – Barry was the greatest running back in NFL history at only 5’8”. I love the fact that he retired nearing the end of his prime rather than playing out the string with an awful Detroit Lions team just to get a record, like someone we know. (Cough, Cough Emmitt Smith)

Sonny Jurgensen – QB – 5’11” – Jurgenson is the shortest quarterback ever enshrined in the Pro Football of Fame. Jurgenson barely beat out Doug Flutie because Jurgenson actually did something in the NFL.

Zach Thomas – LB – 5’11 – Thomas has 1639 career tackles, which ranks second all time. He was also gracious enough to let Jason Taylor marry his sister, even though it welcomed over seven years of, “I am boning you sister,” jokes.

Its all about the kids.

Honorable Mention – Elvis Dumervil – 5’10” – Dumervil is a short man at a position where height and length is very valuable. He is the shortest defensive end in the league yet he had a strong rookie campaign with 8.5 sacks and has followed that up with 11 sacks thus far this year.

Major League Baseball

David Eckstein – 5’7” – Although I hate him because his Cardinals beat my Tigers in the World Series in 2006, I can recognize a good baseball player when I see him. His World Series MVP, tiny hands and batting practice warm-up routine still haunt my dreams.

Jimmy Rollins 5’8” – The reigning National League MVP is shorter than your average American male. Jimmy was also 100 percent on playoff guarantees this year. Which is more than we can say for Jon Kitna.

Billy Wagner – 5’11” – It doesn’t seem like it, but Wagner has already been in the majors for 12 seasons. He has also racked up 358 saves while trying to be a flame thrower at under 6 feet tall. It has worked out fairly well thus far and he may very well break Todd Hoffman’s save record by the time he is done. (If Hoffman ever retires)

NBA

Calvin Murphy – 5’9” – Calvin is not only in the basketball Hall-of-Fame, he is in the Strongest-Seed Hall of Fame. This guy could jerk off on a tomato and three days later you would have a dozen bottles of Heinz. Pretty impressive for a guy under 6’.

Damon Stoudamire – 5’10” – Mighty Mouse was the rookie of the year in 95’ and has been pretty successful when given sufficient minutes. He is a turnstile on defense, as are many of the shorter players in the NBA, but he can still be an effective scorer and point guard given good minutes, as his numbers show.

Earl Boykins – 5’5” – Although Mugsy Bogues was probably the better player and point guard, I put Earl in this spot because he can bench press 315 pounds while only weighing 135 pounds. George Mitchell should test his tiny ass.

NHL

Pat Verbeek – 5’9” – “The Little Ball of Hate,” (maybe the greatest nickname ever) scored 522 career goals and 1063 career points and played 19 NHL seasons at a generous 5’9”.

Tie Domi- While Tie was never a scorer, he could beat the hell out of almost anyone in the NHL although he was only 5’10”. Here are some examples:

&

Marcel “Little Beaver” Dionne – 5’8” – Dionne scored 731 goals in his NHL career, good for fourth on the All-Time list. He is also one of 10 players all time to record over 1000 assists. I have to believe that his success is in large part due to the lingering rage from that fantastic nickname of his.

I would like to formally apologize to Eddie Gaedel for not finding a spot for him on the list.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

I imagine that being a general manager of an NBA team is pretty stressful.  I mean I’m the general manager of my fantasy teams (Phat Lever and Bison Dele’s Pirates) and I am constantly stressed out by the fact that I am in last place, behind an Asian guy who calls himself “Ji-Gangsta” and the “golf pro” at the local Sports Authority.  That being said, as I looked at NBA rosters I have to wonder if by the time they get down to filling their 11th and 12th men on their roster they simply don’t care. 

Obviously I understand that sometimes GM’s make mistakes with draft picks and those mistakes have to be on your bench for a year or two.  But who am I suppose to blame when those same bums all of a sudden have a 10 year career?  Do these GM’s even know who they’re paying at the end of their bench?  My guess is no.  To their credit, the following players have figured out how to have a long multi-million dollar career despite having no redeemable qualities as a basketball player.

Michael Ruffin- Milwaukee Bucks
8 Season NBA Career  
Career Avg. 39.7% FG    1.7 pts, 4.0 reb, .5 blks (14 min/game)

Michael Ruffin has made 6.7 million dollars in his career for basically 3 reasons:

1.  He rebounds well
2.  He plays ok defense
3.  He has convinced everyone in the league that he is an alien who will destroy Earth if he is not put on an NBA roster

Mark Madsen-Minnesota Timberwolves
7 seasons
Career Average 2.3 pts, 2.7 reb, 2.0 fouls
NBA Earnings: 8.7 Million Dollars

It’s not a good sign when you log more minutes in the NBA Cares commercials then you do on the court, but such is the life of Mark Madsen.  I understand he hustles.  I understand that he’s a good “glue guy”.  I understand that Shaq bought him a truck because he thought he had won a promotional contest to practice with the Lakers.  What I don’t understand is how teams put guys like Madsen, who has absolutely no room to grow as a player, on their teams ahead of projects who could develop.

Aaron Williams- Los Angeles Clippers
14 seasons- 10 teams
Career Averages 5.9, 4.0, .8 blks
21 Million Dollars

Hey Mr. Sterling, I’ve got a player you have to have on your team.  He hasn’t played in more then 50 games since 2003 and played in 38 games last year.  Who needs athleticism when you can have the poor man’s Chris Gatling on your team?  And trust me “A-Train” still has some legs.  Oh wait, he’s been in the league since 1993!!! 

I just don’t get it, I really don’t.  If Aaron Williams can legitimately beat out guys for an NBA roster spot, even though he hasn’t been productive going on 4 years now,  you might as well blow up the NBDL, because there must not be any talent in that thing if this guy can still make his two million a year.

Jelani McCoy-Denver Nuggets
8 seasons
Career Averages: 4.7 pts, 3.6 reb, .7 blks
4.5 million dollars

Jelani McCoy played in two games in 2003-2004.  He played in 10 games in 2004-2005 and did nothing with that time either.  Then he wasn’t in the league for two whole seasons, probably playing ball in Bulgaria or something.  And yet eight seasons of being passed from team to team, getting limited playing time and being released time after time wasn’t enough of a warning sign apparently.  So Denver signs him this year and guess what?  They never play him; he’s been in three games so far.  Why don’t you sign someone that will at least entertain you on the end of the bench?  I have a few suggestions for teams that sign washed up bums so that they can make a million dollars to do nothing.  Some players you could sign:
1.  Air Bud
2.  The homeless guy outside of the arena
3.  A former actor from Hang Time

Brian Scalabrine- Boston Celtics
6 seasons
Career Average: 39.2% FG, 3.5 PPG, 2.4 RPG
7.9 Million Dollars

Irish people love red hair.  Brian Scalabrine has red hair.  The End

So instead of NBA teams stocking their roster with high flyers, sharpshooters, and young players with potential, I get to see red heads, aliens, and bums.  The NBA….its “Fan”tastic.

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]