Instead of spreading to the children as most of us expected, baseball’s steroid use has hit Hollywood. Sylvester Stallone admitted to using HGH to add muscle for the latest Rambo movie. In fact, Sly makes absolutely no apologies for his behavior, instead he says that everyone over 40 should try it and insists that in 10 years, HGH will be sold over-the-counter. Personally, I am shocked and appalled. Who would have thought that a man that looks like this at 60 is anything other than natural?
Of course Sly isn’t alone in Hollywood, in fact, a few weeks back we put together a list of the most probable steroid users in Holloywood. So, with a few notable additions, here is The Angry T Hollywood Steroid Report.

Dalton – Road House – It was the 80’s, coke and anabolic steroids were running rampant, and Swayze was ripping off people throats. (Great trailer, damn that Brad Wesley)

Chong Li – Bloodsport – I like to believe that Jean-Claude was all natural in this movie. However, there was no doubt that Chong Li was juicing because he could have never beat Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds in a fair fight.

Blanka – Street Fighter Video Game – He is jacked and green, need I say more.

Andre Krimm – Necessary Roughness – In the extended version of the movie on DVD, Andre lets the audience know that he actually quit football to found a BALCO type operation at Texas State. Once his revolutionary “Clear” was ready for human consumption, he was ready to come back to the game, and Scott Bacula.

Bo Jackson – Tecmo SuperBowl – Kids around the country instated the “No Raiders,” rule in response to the video game steroid use that made Bo unstoppable.

David – Real World New Orleans – Do you remember how ripped this guy was? Plus, he could sing like a canary…a canary on steroids. (Make sure you read David’s eerie, probably made up story on that link above.

White Goodman – Dodgeball – I can tell you from experience that White Goodman’s muscular physique, manly mustache and feathered hair can only obtained through years of copious steroid abuse.

…and because I love this next part so much, and because Lance Armstong is constantly be accused of taking steroids.

SPIKE HAMMERSMITH- Little Giants

If you couldn’t tell from the sudden fits of rage (the cheap shot on Junior Floyd comes to mind), the ability to do a ridiculous amount of pull ups, or his inability to understand Rick Moranis’ complex west coast offense, then maybe his dad admitting to rubbing his hamstrings with evaporated milk (“The Clear”) in the movie could’ve tipped you off. Sorry to interrupt your enormously successful career as a male beauty on season 4 of “Beauty and the Geek” Sam Horrigan, but crime doesn’t pay.

Jake “The Berminator” Berman – There were so many steroid cocktails floating around the set of Little Giants, that it was only matter of time before Jakey got his hands on some. How else do you explain the Giants upset of the much more physically gifted Cowboys?

Juwanna Mann – Juwanna Mann

Now while I admit that I have only seen 5 minutes of this movie, (my eyes started to bleed) the obvious premise of the movie was to show the rampant steroid use currently plaguing the WNBA. Juwanna Mann’s ability to dunk, run faster, and pee standing up seem to be a direct parallel to WNBA star Lisa Leslie.

IVAN DRAGO- Rocky IV
STEVE LATTIMER- The Program

Couple of no-brainers here considering they were foolish enough to have their steroid use being caught on tape. I also thought that Drago killing Apollo Creed during an exhibition match was probably a red flag that he might be on something. Ditto that with Lattimer head butting car windows.

MEL CLARK- Angels in the Outfield

You tell me how a guy whose previous baseball skills were documented in this terrible slide into home on Who’s the Boss (22 second mark) can all of a sudden throw in the mid 90’s when his arm was dead for years. Angels??? I buy that about as much as I buy Eddie Harris’ claim that he still gets by with Crisco, Bardol and Vagisil.

ED- Ed

Just watch this trailer: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116165/trailers-screenplay-E10396-310. A monkey that can throw the ball through someone’s glove? Sounds like somebody got into Air Bud’s “travel bag”.

TENLEY PARRISH- Summer Catch

While I have absolutely no evidence or reason that Jessica Biel was on steroids, it does give me the opportunity to post these pictures of her:

These are just some of the hundreds of actors who have used performance enhancing drugs to help their performances. While the Actors Guild has yet to comment on the situation, due in large part to the fact that I just made this list up and none of it is true, I still think justice should be swift. Be it fines, suspensions, being in more movies with Matt LeBlanc, whatever it takes to show Hollywood that we want a clean product.

Popularity: 1% [?]

I can almost guarantee that anyone who pays 10 dollars to watch “Meet the Spartans,” will be disappointed. With that being said, I love the whole “throwing really annoying people into the Pit of Death” idea. I can think of a number of sports figures and celebrities, just like Britney in the preview, that could use a kick into a bottomless death pit. Here are my picks:

Philip Rivers – Before I throw him in the pit, I would mention that he made a pretty gutsy performance in the AFC Championship game, only a few days removed from surgery. Then, and only then, would I kick him in the chest and send him into the pit. Getting into it with the fans and Jay Cutler fueled my dislike of Philly. His unbelievably chach-like look and attitude puts him over the top and gets him a one way ticket into the “Pit of Death.”

Jose Canseco – Who am I, besides a humble blogger, to tell a man how to make a living? If people will really buy your books, more power to you. It does seem fairly hypocritical to throw everyone under the bus for steroids just when you realize you can no longer make any money off the game and you are immune from any sort of punishment. For these indiscretions, and for not bringing Ozzie Canseco in as a co-author on either of your books, we are going to have to kick you in the death pit.

Hulk Hogan – Hear me out on this one, because it pains me to put the Hulkster on this list. As I watch him week after week on American Gladiators, in his tight tanktop and supposedly trendy thick strapped watch, I can’t help but think I would enjoy him more on a show on VH1 called “Hulk Hogan is 55 and Single!” Either that, or as the Violent J suggested, he should be starring in a show where he attempts to get Linda back, the only way he knows how. Can you imagine the hijinx and hilarity that would ensue when Hulk caught Linda on a date with another man? “Are you out with the Hulkster’s ex-wife, brother? Do you understand I slammed Andre the Giant, do you know what I can do to you? How does that Leg Drop taste, brother?” Emmys would be given out on the spot.

Jim Brown – I hate to do this to Jim, because he is probably the greatest football player of all-time and he has done a lot of great things for his community…but… Jim just had to weigh on this whole Tiger Woods lynching business, saying that Tiger should have spoken up about the remarks by Kelly Tilghman. Why does Tiger need to speak up Jim? To let everyone know that it isn’t okay to talk about lynching and African-Americans in the same sentence? Thanks for enlightening me on that one, I was actually under the impression that you shouldn’t talk about lynching anyone. Golfweek magazine also deserves a little pit of death action, for putting a noose on the cover of their magazine following Tilghman’s comments. (Look closely at Jim’s sign to take a look at the cover shot of Golfweek that got their editor fired)

Florida State Athletic Advisors – Despite their claim that they have an award winning athletic academic support team, Florida State has decided to replace a few of the key staff members that allowed the cheating scandal that resulted in suspension of 23 players. I am not concerned that players were cheating; rather I am appalled that they allowed themselves to be caught. Haven’t you seen “The Program”? This stuff happens at every good football program in America and only the dumb ones get caught. These people not only deserve to be fired, they deserve to be thrown in the death pit.

Did I miss anyone who deserves the Pit?
The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

Here he is again, our resident NBA guru, Josh ‘The Beast” Moore. At his playing height and weight of 7’2” and 317 pounds, The Beast is probably world’s largest sports blogger. His home base is Eastern-Hemisphere.blogspot.com where he has been featured in the Wall Street Journal as well as several national radio programs.

If his name sounds familiar to any of you basketball fans out there, Josh is played in the NBA, (You might be able to tell by the last paragraph of this article that he played for the Clippers) and my alma mater the University of Michigan, and as such he will be imparting his wisdom to TheAngryT on basketball, among other things.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, there are a number of really great stories in the NBA this year. Unlike some of the other major sports blog/outlets, I won’t feel the need to dwell on the obvious like, Kobe is great and Lebron is biblical etc., instead I’ll use my weekly NBA requirement to talk about the really impressive things I’m seeing from some of the overlooked talent in the league, like young Travis Outlaw, who I’ve been raving about for months now. Outlaw hit a game winning buzzer beater last night and is finally getting a chance to shine. Portland has a good team that’s only going to be better next year when their big, agile 7’footer, Oden is all healthy. Instead of them going in the obvious direction for a back up for their franchise center, I would love to be on that roster next season, but they will more than likely bring in Madsen, Doleac or Kwame Brown, all of which bring absolutely nothing to the table. Przybilla deserves a lot of credit for the job he’s doing while Oden is out.

Last night the Wizards swept the Mavs for their first season sweep of the Dallas Mavericks since 1996-97. Bringing up the question, are they better off without Agent 0? If they think so, then maybe they should try to deal Arenas as soon as he’s healthy instead of losing him to free agency and getting nothing in return. I’ve been saying for a year now that Gilbert will be in a Cavs jersey, lets just see if it’s next season.

The issue of Elton Brand hasn’t really been talked about yet, it would be impossible to get Elton to Boston because he hates Garnett, but Elton in a Cavs jersey with Gilbert Arenas and Lebron James ain’t a bad wet dream for Cavs fans at all. Remember how I’ve been pushing Damon Stoudaamire to Boston for weeks? well don’t look now but they are on his short list when the buyout comes, maybe I would be a great GM. Trevor Ariza goes down and the Lakers sign DJ Mbenga to a 10 day contract, who I swear to GOD is the worst player in the world, think Adonal Foyle x10! I have praised Mitch for keeping the core together, but DAMN MITCH!

Larry Brown was recently quoted as saying he thought there were “spies” watching him during his final season with the knicks lol. I don’t know where to start with this one, I guess it would be very hard to coach when you’re paranoid lol, no wonder he never stood up during that final season, he probably thought someone was going to shoot him lol, this is just classic to me! If L.B. was seeing spies one could only imagine what Isiah is seeing. What were they going to do Larry? Kidnap you for not winning?lol classic stuff!

The Wolves beat Golden State to end their 16 game losing streak. They are currently tied with the Heat and the Sonics for the best full length reenactment Oscar for impersonating professional organizations; the Clippers have the lifetime achievement award in that category and can no longer be nominated. The O’neal brothers Jermaine and Shaquille both went down with injuries this week, Jermaine’s is season ending, Shaquilla’s injury is pretty much season ending because at this point, he looks like a man that really doesn’t want to play basketball anymore. When was the last time you heard of a person taking a trip to see a doctor in Los Angeles then going home to get an MRI? Doesn’t sound right to me.

Zaza Pachulia was suspended one game for conduct detrimental to the team and it’s a damn shame. This kid will never be a superstar, but he gives a solid effort most nights. I hate to see second tier players in trouble; it speaks volumes about the current state of the NBA when Mr. Irrelevant is breaking the rules.

In very troubling news, Denver forward, big NeNe, apparently has Tom Green type problems with his family jewels and there is really nothing funny about that. I really wish him the best. Isolated or not, the thought of cancer is a scary thing. Ever since he dropped the last name it’s been injury after injury, sounds like a Brazilian curse to me.

On lighter news, it’s a very messy divorce brewing in Clipper land, which I think is absolutely hilarious. That organization is a load of shit from top to bottom, no one is exempt. When I played for the Clippers we routinely got forced off our practice court by a Junior College women’s team in Inglewood aka future gang bangers and baby mommas, we didn’t have a weight room, and our director of player personnel was a former soap opera star, so I pretty much expected this whole “thing” to implode. That organization is nothing more than a tax write-off for Sterling, who can be seen at every Clipper game with the best women money can buy. Now in his defense, the Clippers should be a better team right now, I’m simply not buying that there is no talent out there to field a team. The majority of the blame goes on Dunleavy’s inadequate staff lead by Kim Hughes, who’s playing Dunleavy like a puppet, and because Mike is a loyal New Yorker, he’s allowing it to happen. I’ve spoken to people who have worked with Kim Hughes in several of Mikes’ other stops and they have all said that he was a manipulative little weasel that is more concerned with power than anything else, scum at its best. What’s funny about this whole beef between Donald and Dunleavy is that this whole beef is over Maggette lol, that’s like two guys fighting over an ugly chick. I could be bitter and say they deserve this because of how I was treated but that’s not necessary, the facts speak for themselves. Bill Clinton had to call David Stern so Robert Johnson could form the Bobcats; Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson were shot down on several occasions when they tried to buy the Wizards but Donald (can’t no black people live in my buildings) Sterling gets a team? They’re getting what they deserve for reasons bigger than me. The reason I’m not winning right now is because I haven’t found a value adequate enough for my soul yet, maybe I am winning. The truth will probably get me shit canned but hey somebody has to tell the truth once in a while.

The Beast

Friday I will have my special All Star team addition up so look forward to that….

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s been a tough year to be a Michigan fan living in Ohio. Losing to Ohio State again, losing to eventual National Champion Appalachian State, and now the latest scandal making the media rounds about Rich Rodriguez allegedly shredding documents with lord knows what on them before leaving West Virginia, effectively eliminating any documentation the school had about its football program.

This immediately brings two questions to the forefront. First, don’t they have computers in West Virginia that can store files? I think the answer to that is obviously no. Second, where can I get some ammo against Buckeye fans, the World’s Most Annoying Race (besides those native Pacific Islander bastards)?

Sure they’ve had their basketball scandals and their Maurice Clarett’s, but Michigan had that whole Ed Martin/Fab Five thing that gave their reputation a bit of a stain, so both schools are on equal footing there. But in the course of some of the skillful by-the-book investigative reporting based in sound facts that has become a hallmark of The Angry T, I uncovered some dirty laundry from years ago that the university clearly has gone to great lengths to hide.

Through an anonymous source who was a fencer at OSU from 1990-92 (I don’t have the exact dates because since divulging this info he has maintained that he’s “not here to talk about the past”), he was given free tickets BY HIS COACH to OSU basketball games on multiple occasions. According to The Angry T’s NCAA Compliance guru, Violent J, players are not allowed to receive tickets to sporting events from coaches unless they are hosting recruits. Well surprisingly, there’s never been a huge line of prospective fencers dying to check out OSU, and there wasn’t a saber or epée  in sight on any of the occasions that my coworker or teammates got tickets.

If that isn’t sending Myles Brand or Tim Finchem or Juan Antonio Samaranch or whoever is in charge these days scurrying to his PR Damage Control unit, then this last, truly abhorrent set of details, (probably) described by Joe Buck as “disgusting, deplorable, reprehensible, and unconscionable,” surely will. It wasn’t just a basketball game in violation of the most basic codes of NCAA existence that these derelicts received. On the back of each and every ticket given by the coach was a coupon for an undetermined discount on a possibly discontinued Wendy’s menu item.

Maybe I’d be asking for a couple of scholarships to be docked if it was just the free tickets, but discounted Wendy’s too? As if college athletes don’t already have enough perks with the cash (allegedly), cars (allegedly), and the recruiting visits to male strip clubs (confirmed by Violent J).

I don’t know anything about fencing, but I’m pretty sure that cheaper fast food burgers give a major competitive advantage to whoever has them, just like buying top-ranked recruits does in sports like football and basketball. At the very least it invalidates the 2006-07 squad’s national title, and its status as one of the most revered sports teams in Ohio State history. Another legacy tarnished…
The funny thing about this whole story is that the part about the tickets and the Wendy’s is completely true, so please forward this link to the NCAA official nearest you. And anyone in the greater Boone, NC area, please sneak a peek inside Armanti Edwards’ locker if you can. I think you’ll be knee-deep in Baconator wrappers and leftover change in no time.

Tenacious E

Popularity: 1% [?]

The newest installment of the Rambo series is set to hit theaters January 25, and I couldn’t be more excited. At nearly 114 years old, Sylvester Stallone may very well have to hang up the bandanna, M16, explosive arrows and machete sometime very soon. While I am sure that his latest Rambo movie will be the height of entertainment, I am less sure how the writers are going to are going to find a plausible storyline that puts a legitimately 65 year old man into the jungle fighting for his life. Perhaps there is an early-bird special in the Cambodian jungle, or maybe an executive golf course. At the very least, if they want to continue to remake old Stallone movies, please go ahead and do a remake of Tango & Cash, the wildly entertaining tour de force featuring Stallone, Kurt Russell, and Jack Palance.

In any event, with Stallone on his way out and hundreds of good stories involving the Cambodian jungle and VC yet to told, it will be imperative that we find a new Rambo. Seeing as how this is a sports site, lets go ahead and scour the world of sports in search of someone not afraid to wield a machete and shoot arrows that explode on contact. Here are our choices for the next John Rambo.

Kyle Eckel – The mack-truck-like fullback for the New England Patriots is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy. His military background should prepare him for having to escape dense jungle and kill everything in his path. His time with the Patriots has turned him into a winner, which is good, because no matter how many VC get in his way, Rambo always wins.

Ray Lewis – Killing has never been an issue for Ray (allegedly). Plus, on the MTV Cribs episodes that showed America his house, Ray had a Scarface poster, and that screams tough. He is also one of the angrier looking players in the NFL when he is on the field, and that should suit him well in the deep jungle when all hope is lost.

Troy Polamalu – Troy is like an unguided missile on the football field. He wants to hit, and hurt, everything that he tackles. If I had to pick one person in the NFL to kill for justice, he would be the guy I would pick.

Clinton Portis – Clinton is a master of disguises. Even though most of his outfits are flamboyant and potentially homosexual, I think if we can harness his chameleon like ability, he could be a force in the jungle.

;

Michael Vick – Too easy. Kills dogs, blah, blah, blah. Already a ruthless killer, blah, blah, blah. Used to being a prison like Rambo, blah, blah, blah. Making Michael Vick jokes isn’t fun anymore, and when you can’t make fun of a felon and enjoy it, an angel loses her wings…I think.

Albert Belle – If Belle is willing to run down children that ask for Halloween candy…with his car. (Great stalking charges in that article as well) Imagine what he can do when provoked. Southeast Asia will be a smoldering hole in the ground by the time Albert is done. Plus, having not played for a solid five years, he has ton’s of time on his hands to grow a flowing black mullet.

Kurt Angle – The former Olympic gold medalist wrestler turned professional wrestler has the acting background to pull it off, he has been fake hurting people for a solid 10 years at this point.

Jayson Williams – Jason is an expert at wielding guns, as long as the safety is on. He also has a ton of experience covering up the evidence, which could be useless when he escapes from the jungle, because he will have accidentally shot several civilians by that point.

Bo Weekley – Professional golfer Bo Weekley is fearless, just ask this Orangutan. According to a story that came out around the time of the British Open last year, Bo fought, and was knocked out by, a live Orangutan at this local county fair. Good god I’d like to live in that county.

Rod Marinelli (Detroit Lions Head Coach) – Similar to Boo, Rod is no afraid to fight a live animal. He wrestled a bear at a car dealership, but instead of getting knocked out, he pinned the bear to the ground. If he can pin a bear, just imagine how many tiny VC he could pin to the ground at once.

With all of these candidates in place, I think it is time that I give the studio my recommendation. Without further ado, you winner is:

Albert Belle!!!!

Albert gets the nod because he hasn’t been in the news much lately, and I know he would like to see the spotlight again before he commits his final felony, and gets sent up the river for 20 or so years. Also, it will give me a chance to see that sweet swing again, and by sweet swing I mean 33 ounces of maple to the head of a craft services representative who forgets his latte the third morning of filming.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

In the sports stratosphere, tennis falls somewhere between hockey and golf in terms of garnering attention, ratings, and the like. But that doesn’t mean it still isn’t pretty damn entertaining. For instance, I watched a match between Lleyton Hewitt and Novak Djokovic and a match featuring Ana Ivanovic and I thoroughly enjoyed my viewing experience. Both of these wildy entertaining matches had one thing in common, very attractive women. No, I am not talking about Hewitt’s boyish good looks, I am talking about Hewitt’s very hot wife, Bec Hewitt, who was shown several times during the match, being hot in the stands. ESPN didn’t even need to pan to the stands to find hotness in the Ivanovic match, they need simply to focus the camera squarely on Ana. I was completely unconcerned with the matches outcome and wanted simply to see most Ivanovic possible.

Tennis can give us that very few other sports can, hot women playing a sport. So, in honor the the often forgot font of good looking women that is tennis, we release our report on all things hot at the 2008 Australia Open:

Ana Inanovic – Still alive in the quarterfinals, Ana faces off against Serena Williams, and will most likely look great doing it.

Bec Hewitt (Bec Cartwright) – Lleyton Hewitt’s Wife – This was the first time I have ever seen Hewitt’s wife, but I certainly hope it is not the last. If you could guarantee my four of five shots of her a match, whether Hewitt is playing or not, you could make me a lifelong fan. Plus, she isn’t just a pretty face, you look at her extensive list of work in television, and she was on the Australian version of “Dancing with the Stars”.

She can even sing, I think this thing went double platinum in Australia:

Daniela Huntuchova – Not to be outdone by her more well know colleagues, Daniela is rasing the hotness bar at the Austrailian Open. She is no slouch on the court either, as she is the #9 player in the world, and based on the pictures below, I would argue that she has a legitimate shot as number one, at least in terms of hotness.

Maria Sharapova – She is still alive and kicking in this years’ tournament and she is set to face #1 seed Justine Henin in the quarterfinals. By law, no post about women’s tennis can be complete with out a Sharapova reference, and who am I to break the law.

Serena Williams – I have had the “Is Serena attractive?” argument about 100 times with various friends and acquaintances. The big, musclar arms really don’t do it for me, but they must work for her as she because made her way to the quarters of a slam once again.

Alona Bondarenko – On the doubles side, Alona and her sister Katerina have rolled their way into the semis. I rolled myself into semi-arousal after finding some good pictures of her on google. She has a nose ring too, which I find hot, and you should too.

Nicole Kidman – Nicole managed to take in some tennis with her husband Keith Urban when she was on hand to cheer on fellow Australian Lleyton Hewitt. Despite the combined rooting power of his hot wife and an international movie star, Hewitt ultimately lost to Novak Djokovic in straight sets.

I’ll keep you posted with any updates on hot people showing up at the Australian Open, I may even watch some tennis in between saving images of Ana Ivanovic for my “ personal reflection time.”

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]

There is something special brewing in College Basketball this year, and no I’m not talking about Memphis and Kansas still being undefeated. #1 Memphis (Gonzaga, Tennessee, @ Houston, Conference USA Tournament, NCAA Tourney) and #2 Kansas (@ Texas, @ Texas A&M, @ Kansas State, Big XII Tournament, NCAA Tourney) still have a long way to go before we consider them legitimate challengers to the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers.  On the other end of the spectrum however, a legitimate contender has emerged in Newark, New Jersey.
                                                                                                                     
The New Jersey Institute of Technology Highlanders are currently 0-20 in the prestigious category of Division 1 independents.  This group of teams features perennial powerhouses such as Presbyterian, Utah Valley State, and the only D1 Independent with a winning record, Texas Pan American.  With 9 games remaining, NJIT is risking being just the 3rd D1 team in the last 53 years to go winless in a season (91-92 Prairie View, 04-05 Savannah State).  And if you compare the Highlanders to the 04-05 Savannah State winless team, you can’t feel good about NJIT’s chances of pulling off a win this year

91-92 Savannah State 0-28                                   NJIT  0-20
Average Score: 81-58 (Margin: 23)                        Average Score: 76-53 (Margin: 23)
Losses by 20 or more-17                                                 Losses by 20 or more- 12
Losses by 10 or less-3                                                     Losses by 10 or less-4

There are a few troubling statistics that the NJIT faithful (I am referring to the 207 fans that went to the NJIT-Columbia game two Saturdays ago).  One would be their assist to turnover ratio per game (9:21).  Another is the 35 FG% and 29 3PT% they shoot every game.  This seems to be one of the rare occasions where only having 2 seniors on the roster is a bad thing.  NJIT is simply not very talented.  But I must say that I am rooting for them.  So, for the  4-18 Longwood squad heading into the rocking Fleisher Athletic Center, here are a few suggestions for NJIT Coach Jim Casciano.

1.  Purchase a whole lot of Flubber

You should see what this stuff did for Medfield College!  Imagine if NJIT scoring machine (11 ppg) Nesho Milosevic got his Eastern European hands on this flubber stuff.  I could see him leading the team with at least 14 points per game. 

2.  Recruit the hell out of Teen Wolf

I could be wrong, but to my knowledge this high school superstar has yet to verbally commit to anyone.  If you can handle his arrogance, selfish play, and pretending he’s surfing on the top of a van, then he could definitely help NJIT when they host Loyola (MD).

3.  Steroids and Coke…..a double-double entendre
 

0-20 means your down on your luck, but hey, I’ve been down on my luck plenty of times.  Injuries, tough losses, dead hookers, it happens to the best of us.  Every problem I’ve ever encountered could have been solved with steroids and coke.  Can’t score enough?  Steroids.  Starting the second half a little slow?  Coke.  Inability to pleasure a women?  Both.  You are in New Jersey for Christ sake, it shouldn’t be too hard to find either.

4.  Get Ted Valentine to ref all of your games

I don’t know how he’s going to do it.  I don’t know why he’s going to do it.  But I do know that if you have Ted Valentine officiating your last 9 games he will blow one of them in your favor.  Perhaps it will be one of his games where he only calls offensive fouls so he can sprint 20 feet in the other direction before making the call.  Or maybe it’ll be a day where he gives out a technical foul because they only have fruit punch flavored Gatorade instead of his preferred Riptide Rush.  Regardless, give Teddy a call.  And if he doesn’t answer, feel free to talk to Ed Hightower, they’re basically the same guy.

5.  Stop Playing Division 1 Basketball

Who are you kidding?  You won 5 games last year, you haven’t won any this year.  Maybe the jump to Division 1 basketball was a little premature.  And what exactly is the point of being a D1 Independent?  How are you planning to make the tournament?  You can’t even be one of the Cinderella teams that win their conference tournament and gets to go dancing.  In the words of my good friend Dan Hawkins, “Go play intramurals brother.”

-Violent J

Popularity: 1% [?]