Just like hundreds of metro-sexuals and casual sports fans that call the Green Bay QB Brett “FAVre,” I get all my sports news from TMZ.com. It is a good thing I do often visit this font of sports knowledge, because otherwise I wouldn’t know that former Patriot, and current arena league player Kenyatta Jones was arrested for peeing on the floor in a club. How do you try to urinate on the dance floor? You either piss or your don’t, you don’t try, unless you have stage fright. But I highly doubt that he had stage fright since he whipped it out on the dance.

I have noticed a growing trend in athlete arrests these days, and Kenyatta Jones arrest is no exception. No one goes away quietly anymore. If these athletes are going to jail, they sure as hell are going to get tased. To keep you appraised of all recent taser related arrest, we have assembled the All-Taser team below, made up of the Top 10 Athlete taser arrests. Enjoy and I am sorry I can’t give you info on whether any of these athletes said, “Don’t tase me bro,” before they had 50,000 volts of electricity shot through their bodies.

10. Former NBA Center Dale Davis – Dale is a very large person and I would be interested to see the effect of a taser on a 6’11 260 pound man.

9. Former NBA Center Michael Olowokandi – Surprisingly enough, the Kandi man is just as useless off the court as he is on it.

8. Spurs Guard DerMarr Johnson – He was arrested along with two women, so maybe he was trying to help them…but probably not.

7. Texans Guard Fred Weary – I sort of feel bad for Fred on this one, because the police ended up apologizing for using the taser…but not enough to leave him off this team.

6. Minnesota Vikings DT Fred Evans – Fred was subdued by tasers, according to the article. “Tasers,” meaning more than one, this is a tough dude.

5. Former Cincinnati Bengal Matthias Askew – Askew was tasered following an incident involving his illegally parked car.  Either they are a little taser happy in Cincinnati or every Bengal gets tasered for free on their birthday.

4. Marlins Pitcher Scott Olsen -  Olsen thought that he was playing tag, and as long as he got home, and sat on a chair on his porch he was exempt from any prosecution.  Unfortunately, he does not live in international  waters, so he was tasered to the ground by police.

3. Former NFL QB Josh Booty – I like how the article mentions that he hit is head on a table during the struggle. Right…It would be correct if by table, they meant business end of a nightstick.  Hello, John David, I would like to introduce you to the anchor that you will have to take care of for the rest of your life.

 

2. The Entire Chilean Soccer Team – You can’t even blame this one on violence on American television.

AND THE #1 ATHLETE TASER ARREST OF ALL-TIME IS…

1. Former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Keith McCants – This was the most recent athlete tasering besides Jones, as it took place best line of the article right here:

McCants, 39, allegedly threw a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a crack pipe at an officer Friday evening, nearly hitting him in the head.

I give my friends and family the right to taser me on the spot if they ever catch me with that haircut.

The Angry T

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My family and friends know that I don’t start a day without ingesting a small amount of crushed deer penis diluted in a solution of turtle blood. I learned this practice from an old, constantly drunk, Chinese man that used to hang out in front of my favorite liquor store in college. He was young looking his age, virile, and had the amazing ability to drink two and a half bottles of five o’ clock in a day and not die, as most mortal men might do. What escaped me about this old Chinese man, was that he was absolutely ripped. He was probably the most in-shape 65 year old alcoholic Chinese man that I have ever met. What also escaped me was that the deer penis and turtle blood he was drinking were as potent as anabolic steroids.

It good to see that the Chinese are cleaning up their act and directing their athletes to use modern training aids:

The nation’s sports stars are replacing millennia-old elixirs with vitamins, protein shakes and Western remedies.

Thankfully, “protein shakes” and “vitamins” have never got any athletes into trouble in the United States. Just ask Neifi Perez and Lindsay Hunter.

I don’t normally give these tips away for free, but if Chinese athlete really want a legal leg up, take a play out of your own playbook and try “Horny Goat Weed.” It can be found at almost every gas station, and one pill is has good as an oil barrel full of stanizol.

The Angry T

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Today is another huge day for fans of the NBA Dance Team bracket on NBA.com. Since the last time, we checked in, things have picked up quite a bit. The final four have been decided, with the Sixers taking on the Heat, and the Clippers taking on the Rockets. As always, I urge you to vote for my favorite dance team, the Sixers Dancers.

Do you see the young lady below? Her name is Sarah, she is a member of the Sixers Dancers, and she is a very attractive young woman. She is only one of the reasons you should vote for the Sixers Dancers, here are some others.

Go do your civic duty.
The Angry T

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In an age where young athletes will shave just about anything into their head, it is good to see that visionaries like Brandon Jennings still exist.  Check out the Kid N’ Play haircut that he sported at the McDonald’s All-American game:

Jennings is also a fantastic player, which made his haircut all the more impressive.  NBADraft.net has Jennings rated as a lottery pick for the 2009 Draft.
You would be hard pressed to find a better haircut than that in sports.  But that doesn’t mean people aren’t still trying to achieve follicle perfection.   The new weapon in the war for great hair is not the scissors, it is the clippers.  The clippers are the brush with which the barbers Picassos of the world paint their canvas.
Let’s take a look at some of the best, in terms of shaving stupid things into their head, in the world of athletics.

Wales Goalie Paul Jones – Wales Dragon

Memphis Guard Andre Allen – Memphis Tigers Logo

Kings Guard  Ron Artest – Tru Warrior, Kings

South Florida Bulls Receiver Carlton Mitchell – South Florida Logo

Michigan Forward Brent Petway – Michigan Football Helmet, Jumpman logo

Hawaii QB  Colt Brennan – State of Hawaii

Illinois State Guard  Osiris Eldridge – A basketball…maybe.

UCLA Guard  Russell Westbrook – Flames

Cleveland Cavaliers Center  Scot Pollard – Nipples coming off his chin

Bucks Center Andrew Bogut – Rat Tail

 Tampa Bay Defensive End Gaines Adams – Old School Lines

Tottenham Hotspurs Jermaine Defoe – The Equator?

Nigerian Forward Taribo West – Whatever the hell that is.

Pittsburgh Forward Levon Kendall – Old School Lines

Wisconsin Guard Cameron Taylor – Squiggly Lines         

Okay, this isn’t an athlete, but it is hilarious nonetheless:

The Angry T

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Yesterday, we rehashed Tonya Harding’s latest legal indiscretions.  We mentioned that Tonya and John Daly would make a perfect pair.  She loves to drink just as much as he does, and I am sure he loves to smoke as much as she does. In no time at all, she and John would be happily married with 14 or 15 children. 
As always, we decided to go the extra mile and put together some other athletes who would be perfect for each other.  Here is The Angry T All-Cupid Team:

Marion Jones and Roger Clemens:  The couple that injects together gets failing kidneys and damaged heart valves together…or something like that.  “By the power vested in me by Stanizol, I, Brian Mcnamee, now pronounce you man and wife.

Chyna and Batista: Speaking of steroids, these two would produce kids with extra digits, limbs and heads. 

Lebron James and The Chick Below that can Dunk: They could talk about all kinds of things, including dunking and making kids that could jump over a basketball hoop:

Travis Henry and Sheryl Swoopes: This would be more of a platonic relationship, but it is clear that both of these people share a strong affinity for women.  Travis’ nine children is evidence enough that he loves the ladies and Sheryl’s lesbianism gives me an indication that she loves chasing skirt as well.

Jayson Williams and Tonya Harding:  Well Mr. Daly, you have a little bit of competition.  You might share an affinity for drinking and smoking, but Tonya and Jayson share a love that cannot be broken, a love of firearms. 

Martina Hingis and Lawrence Taylor: Even though LT is out of the coke game, a beautiful woman like Martina could bring him back into the arms of the white lady.

Rebecca Lobo and Tayshaun Prince:  Not only do they both love basketball, they could also make beautiful horse looking babies if they were to have children:

Tiger Woods and Sacagawea: I know Tiger is already married, and I know Sacagawea isn’t an athlete, but I believe that he and Sacagawea would make a great pair as both of them are afraid that the camera will steal their soul if it takes their picture.  At least Sacagawea has an excuse for being afraid of the foreign technology, since she lived in the 17th century.  Tiger has no such excuse, yet he constantly complains about cameramen.  I don’t hear any complaints from Bob Tway, and it’s like a photo-shoot in Milan every time he takes the club back.  He is one great looking man.

Bruce Pearl and Underage College Girls:  Can’t you just see this clown showing up at a normal college party with a Toga, and being the drunkest person there? This guy is the “cool dad” that you knew in high school, who would always let you drink in his basement, “as long as you weren’t driving”.

“Let me tell how we used to do it boys.  Me and Smitty would get piss drunk blah blah blah blah.”

Shut up “cool dad”/Bruce Pearl, you aren’t cool, and no matter how many sideline reporters you grope, no one will think you are anything other than a dirty old man. Do you think Erin Andrews likes to be groped by your greast sausage fingers? Do you think girls aren’t creeped out by your 45 year old balls on their legs?    I can’t wait until he takes the Indiana job, and then has to pay child support to the three coeds he lured into the coaches office:

“So, you wanna see my Horizon League Championship Ring? You know I beat Alabama in the tournament that year? You know Earnest Shelton was on that team right?

Grow up Bruce.
The Angry T

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Disclaimer: Ed Hightower has not shown any evidence of being involved in illegal gambling.  Tongue in cheek, lawyers—please don’t sue us. 

I love this time of year.  March Madness.  The lights.  The glamour.  The questionable rankings and bracket placements (Will North Carolina ever not play at some point in their home state?).   It’s a time when you can bet small or large sums of—umm, “credits” that you will ultimately lose and pout over when Boise State loses first round instead of making it to the Elite 8 like you have in your bracket.  But it’s great anyway just because the anticipation of what will happen next burns deep into your soul.

 

On a tangent: A family member of mine who will remain nameless is currently leading when she chose San Diego because, “my sister lives there,” and Siena because, “I don’t like Vanderbilt.  I don’t like any Ivy League teams.”  Kill me now.

 

What drives me absolutely bonkers, though, are the referees.  But hear me out—I’m not going to get on them because of bad calls or too many fouls.  I’m not even going to get upset (again) about finding out that NCAA basketball referee Ed Hightower did not begin his career in the Police Academy movies:

My problem is how visible they have become in the last few years.  In years past, the only reason anyone was supposed to know the ref existed was because of the silly striped shirts or uniforms they would wear.  A foul was called by blowing their whistle once, looking for the number of the offender, turning to the scorers table, and relaying the foul with a basic sequence of extremity motions.  The job of the ref was not to infuriate or excite the crowd—just keep order in the playing field or court and make sure the kids play nice.  During the NCAA basketball tournament this year, a foul can’t be called without a choreographed dance routine and 20-30 whistle blows.  They almost seem to be in competition with one another:

 

“I’ll take your 12 whistle blows, lawn sprinkler charging call, and 4.6 second 40-yard dash down the court, and I’ll raise you a back hand-spring, full layout into a disco arm spin travelling call and an officials timeout for the small forward I just kicked in the face.”

 

When it comes down to it, how about just being objective, making the calls, and getting home to your families without needing to make 20,000 new friends or enemies (“Did you see that, honey?  They love me…they really love me”).  I know it’s tempting, but let’s face it—you’re never going to reach the pinnacle of the athletic prowess your daddy thought you were going to reach when you were in high school and didn’t hit that 17 inch growth spurt you needed to contend.  In the meantime, if we need to see great acting/dancing in the officials’ role, we’ve already got that covered:

 (I apologize about the audio timing.  I couldn’t find a better version since YouTube has control of all of the videos on the internet now.)  

Raging M

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Take a good look at that lineup.  In fact, take a great look at that lineup.  That is, by far, the worst lineup ever to lace up basketball shoes.  Ricky Davis is leaps and bounds better than anyone else on that roster. I am not breaking any new ground here, but Ricky Davis is nothing more perennial loser with the ability to score 20 a game, if, and only if the game is out of hand, and he is playing on  team that is destined to lose 60 games.Congratulations to the Knicks,  who beat this sorry Stephane Lasme and crew by a solid seven points, in overtime.  If he didn’t deserve to get fired for sexually harrassing a coworker, drafting Renaldo Balkman, signing Steve Francis, or running the Knicks franchise into the ground, he certainly deserves to get fired for this.  David Lee, the last man with any pride on the Knicks, is on suicide watch right now, and if he is not, he should be.My god just look at that Heat roster.  Outside of Ricky Davis, is there a single player that could start for another NBA team? Maybe Mark Blount could start for another team, but only maybe.How bad most Malik Rose feel?  This is when you retire right, when you can’t get in against the worst team in NBA history? The pride of Drexel sleeps with a heavy head tonight.Most importantly, I feel bad for people who gambled on this game, and not only because you would have to be 99% percentile of degenerate gamblers to actually bet on this game.  Read this carefully: THE KNICKS DID NOT COVER THE 8.5 POINT SPREAD.  There were hundreds of fathers trying to win enough money to buy their daughters a bike for their birthday, and instead, little Jenny is going to have to live with a handwritten coupon for a free piggy back ride and three hugs to be used at anytime during the next year.  For shame Earl Barron, for shame.I defy you to find a worst NBA roster ever.  At least this team had Fred Carter, and I don’t see any of the clowns on the above roster working on NBA FastBreak after their career.

 The Angry T

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