Surprise attack backfire (YepYep)
Hello Oregon State Cheerleaders (Uncoached)
10 statements an athlete never wants to hear (on205th)
Uses for a car horn (NextRound)
Newsflash: Braveheart might not have been historically accurate (Asylum)
Carrie Milbank at the NHL Awards (Gunaxin)
RIP Billy Mays (Unreality)
Hello Wayne Ellington’s girlfriend (World of Isaac)
Pet and animal weddings (DJ Mick)

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Hockey players do everything short of make sweet, metallic love to the Stanley Cup in the weeks that follow the finals, and apparently Mario Lemieux and the Penguins are no exception.  These pictures come from a Stanley Cup party at Mario Lemiuex’s fantastic house, with a tiny pool.  I understand the team was almost bankrupt a few years back, but now that the team is back on it’s feet he should probably spring for a pool that can hold more than 9 people:

I’m just surpised they weren’t using it as a kickboard in team swimming competitions.  I guess this sort of celebration isn’t that out of the ordinary.  I heard last week that Trevor Ariza was using the Larry O’Brien trophy to go oppo at the softball batting cage.  And of course, who could forget those tense hours waiting for Casey Hampton to emerge from the bathroom after he accidentally ate the Vince Lombardi trophy  Carry on Mario, I apologize.

The Angry T

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We all know what an inexact science professional drafts can be.  Despite hours and days and weeks of analysis, it’s likely that draft analysts for ESPN and SI, scouts for NBA teams and everyone else that postulates on the potential success of the draftees will be wrong on several picks.  They won’t just be wrong about the position, they’ll also be dead wrong on what kind of players the draftees turn out to be.  We’ve decided to highlight these scouting blunders by parusing the mock drafts for the most hilarious quotes about players that turned out to be scrubs:

2002 NBA Draft:

Ian Thomasen 2002 Mock Draft – In all fairness to Ian, this is a god awful draft.

Danny Ainge’s 2002 Mock Draft – Good call on Amare

“This is one of the strangest drafts,” Ainge says. “The middle of the draft is pretty strong. (Jiri) Welsch, (Kareem) Rush, (Melvin) Ely, (Jared) Jeffries, (Dan) Dickau and (Juan) Dixon could all be good impact players right away.

2003 Mock Drafts

John Hollinger

There were no weight problems surronding Mike Sweetney going into this draft?

12		PF	Mike Sweetney	Georgetown	6′8″	260	20
The Sonics need a point guard in a bad way and are certain to take either Luke Ridnour, Barbosa or Kirk Hinrich. But if two of them are available, they may as well wait until their pick at No. 14, since one is certain to still be on the board, and instead grab some power forward help here. Sweetney is the post-up threat they have lacked since Vin Baker turned into a 300-pound money sink.

2004

Scout.com Mock Draft

13. Portland
Kirk Snyder, SG, Nevada
Snyder qualifies as the best player available, but he also fills a need for the Blazers at the two-guard. He’s a strong, athletic slasher who can do a little of everything…including burglarize his neighbors home (allegedly).

15. Boston
Robert Swift, C, Bakersfield High (Calif.)
Celtics GM Danny Ainge reportedly loves Swift, and for good reason. He’s a legit 7-footer with great post moves, excellent shot-blocking ability and good passing skills. Given the dearth of talented centers in the NBA, Swift could develop into a big-time weapon.

19. Miami Rafael Araujo, C, BYU
With a core of Dwyane Wade, Eddie Jones, Caron Butler, Lamar Odom and Brian Grant, the only thing the Heat are missing is a center to man the middle. Araujo is big, tough, talented and fits the bill, though he could easily go much higher.

ESPN Mock Draft

6.    Shaun Livingston
PG | 6-7, 186 | Peoria (Ill.) High School
Why? Again, Livingston has more potential than anyone in the draft. He does things already at his size that no one else can do. Patience will be the key. In the end, ESPN Insider Chad Ford believes the Hawks will be better off with Livingston than Howard in the long run…or not.

SI Mock Draft

2. PF Dwight Howard Atlanta (Ga.) Southwest Christian   6′10″ 240

The Clippers might move the pick to Atlanta, since they have four young frontcourt players in Melvin Ely (26 years old), Elton Brand (25), Chris Kaman (22) and Chris Wilcox (21)

How would you possibly find minutes from Dwight Howard when you have Melvin Ely on the roster?

14 Kris Humphries Minnesota 6′9-1/2″ 238 Fr.

Humphries has a pro body and led the Big Ten in scoring and rebounding as a freshman and his stock is soaring with several strong workouts. The Jazz got a gem from Russia in Andrei Kirilenko and could grab the athletic Monya, if Humphries is gone.

2006

SI

7		G	Marcus Williams	Connecticut	Jr.	6-3	180
The college game’s most gifted playmaker, Williams has that innate feel for the game, knowing how to distribute the ball to teammates through heavy congestion in the lane. His presence would allow Delonte West to back up both guard spots, which West is well suited to do.
8		F	Adam Morrison	Gonzaga	Jr.	6-8	210
Too often last season Houston struggled to score, allowing defenses to tighten their surveillance of Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady. Morrison is a throwback player in that he can score from anywhere on the floor. He moves without the ball, uses screens as well as fakes to get open, and has a lightning-quick release.

16		F	Cedric Simmons	North Carolina State	Soph.	6-10	228
His 28-point explosion against Shelden Williams and Duke on Jan. 18 underlined his offensive potential. Simmons is raw but potentially a future answer to Chicago’s yearning for low-post scoring.

But don’t worry too much about your failures sports pundits, the fans are just as dumb.  Take a look at these fan comments prior to the 2000 draft.

In several years there will be a trivia question…”who was taken ahead of Darius Miles in the 2000 draft?” People will sit back and laugh that there was someone taken in front of him.
Mark J. Evans, Jackson, Mo.

This year looks like a good draft. There are a lot of seniors in this draft as well. My favorite team is the New York Knicks. I think Jamaal Magloire is a good pick; the team could use a younger center since Ewing and Chris Dudley are aging. However, I would like to see them draft a point guard. Someone like Jason Hart, Ed Cota, or Shaheen Holloway. Those guys are good point guards. Courtney Alexander is a good pick for the Atlanta Hawks. He should play well with Jim Jackson and the other team members. Joel Przybilla is a good pick for the Chicago Bulls, but Mateen Cleaves I think would be a better fit for the L.A. Clippers instead of the Bulls.
M.Cain, Nashville, Tenn.

I think that Etan Thomas of Syracuse should go in the top 10. You get someone else that can block that many shots and get that many rebounds anywhere else. Also if the Knicks get Magloire, they’ll be unstoppable.
Corey Schram, New Leipzig, N.D.

One of my favorites:

Watch out for A.J. Guyton and JaRon Rush. They will go mid-first round. You’re also wrong at the top spot. Kenyon is complete and will go first. Watch for Fizer to move up higher like three or four. Mateen Cleaves, in my opinion, can’t shoot the ball and will be a wasted pick for the Bulls (who should look to Eric Barkley who has a better upside). This draft has some potential role players, but maybe at best one or two future stars. If I was drafting, I would take Miles early. Who needs college anymore?
Ryan Staub, West Chester, Pa.

This guy knows what he’s talking about:

I’m a Nets fan and I don’t care if the Nets have no centers. Mihm is definitely not worthy of a No. 1 pick. They need some defensive toughness and picking Martin is their best bet to get it. He’ll come around on offense, but they need his defense. Let Jayson Williams and Eschmeyer play center and bring Gill off the bench as the sixth man while Van Horn will play PF and Martin SF. Mihm will be another Sam Bowie, Benoit Benjamin, Yinka Dare, Jim McIlvaine, Shawn Bradley clone. Too soft, no inside game, I don’t care what he did in college.
Matt Yeasky, Budd Lake, N.J.

Vancouver is still only one big man away from getting over the hump:

Rumor is that Chicago wants to trade for the first or second pick. The Nets should trade the pick because they need to fill a couple more slots (C and PF/SF). Chicago would surely get Mihm, leaving Martin for Vancouver, which needs a high caliber big-man and should keep their pick. This will be the perfect fit because Chicago could get Jones or McGrady as free agents and still be able to get a quality PG at No. 24. Vancouver is one big man away from getting over the hump. And two picks are better than one for the Nets, who already have Keith and Stephon.
Anthony Uy, Quezon City, Philippines

The Angry T

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When I hear the word “CONGA!!,” I almost always think Gloria Estefan.  Now, thanks to Ms. Estefan purchase of a small stake in the Miami Dolphins, her name will become synonymous with NFL football…probably.  In any event, the singer/songwriter of such classics as “The Rythm is Gonna Get You,” and “1-2-3,” and unquestioned front woman for the Miami Sound Machine is an NFL owner.  I just can’t wait to see her at the owner’s meetings.

Gloria’s little purchase got me thinking about some other divas who may want to consider professional sports ownership.  I’d also direct them as to which team they should purchase and why.  All they have to do is lay down the cash.

Thanks for Jazzy J, Jake Roland for the inspiration…

Carrie Underwood – Dallas Cowboys – It’s finally time for Carrie to exact her revenge for the break-up and send Tony Romo where he belongs.  To be honest, I always thought that Brooks Bollinger had a bettter arm anyway, grab a slice of bench Romo.

Whitney Houston – Cincinnati Bengals - I know Whitney says that she’s clean these days, but let’s imagine for a second that she isn’t clean, which is preposterous, because everyone knows that crack is a very easy drug to quit.  But, if by some stretch of the imagination she was still using, there wouldn’t be a better group of enablers than the Bengals.

Mariah Carey -  Detroit Lions - Everyone knows that Mariah loves to play sugar momma to her boyfriend Nick Cannon. What better way to show her affection than to buy Nick a football team? The Lions are the perfect team for Nick because he is the newly minted host of “America’s Got Talent.” Hopefully he can find a few contestants with some ability to play middle linebacker, or defensive back.  Detroit fans like myself can only hope.

Aretha Franklin – Buffalo Bills - Aretha has a dream.  She wants to find a group of people that she can visit an All-You-Can-Eat buffet with without feelings bad about herself.  (I know Aretha, the crab legs look to good to pass up) The Bills average poundage across their offensive line is 332 lbs, heaviest in the NFL.  Her dreams might finally be realized with this purchase.

Jessica Simpson – New Orleans Saints - Jessica’s connection with Proactiv Solutions may finally help Drew Brees get that thing off of his face.

Queen Latifah – New England Patriots – You may or may not know Queen Latifah is the proud owner of a FatBurger restaurant:

In an ingenious scheme to get Kraft macaroni and cheese in every FatBurger restaurant in America, Robert Kraft sponsors Latifah’s purchase of a minority stake in the team.  He’s got the blue box blues and a lot more coin in his pocket after this transaction.

Madonna – Denver Broncos - Denver Broncos ownership has the last know cell phone number for Travis Henry and as you may know, Travis Henry has nine children from nine different women.  Madonna is hoping that minority ownership of the the team will allow her to get close enough to adopt at least six of Henry’s nine kids and grow her brood.

Brooke Hogan – Arizona Cardinals - Beefy Brooke Hogan has given up on her singing career and is done with television.  She needs a new job, and she believes that she is perfectly suited to play OT for an NFL team.  The Cardinals had the worst rush offense in the league last year and could really use her.  Plus, Ken Whisenhunt is afraid to say no to those thighs.

Jennifer Lopez – Seattle Seahawks - Jennifer is really interested in football, so it’s no wonder that she wants to purchase a team.  At the same time, she doesn’t want to alienate her husband when she purchases a team full of strong, attractive men.  So, Jennifer makes the only logical team purchase decision  and buys a team quarterbacked by a man that looks like a cross between your dad and Mr. Clean, with the physique of the guy who cleans your pool. This way, her hideous screw of a husband won’t feel threatened.  Nice work Mrs. Anthony.

Britney Spears – Oakland Raiders -Unlike all the other divas on this list, Britney does not get to choose her team.  Britney was actually handpicked by Al Davis to succeed his was owner.  Al said that Britney is the only diva he could trust to make nonsensical decision on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis just like he has.  Al also appreciates Britney’s ability to choose inexperienced and unproven young men as her boyfriends and husbands.  Al’s been choosing equally inexperienced and unproven young men as 1st round draft picks for years and he’s been wowed by Britney’s ability to do the same.

The NFL Diva revolution has begun, you need only to embrace it.

The Angry T and Jazzy J

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Chubby Kid cools off with ice cream (YepYep)

Cleavage tattoos (Uncoached)

Hello Alejandra Pulido (on205th)

Laptop hunter: Porn hunter (NextRound)

Fat people live longer (Asylum)

Bill Austin tourette’s umpire (Gunaxin)

How to snore like a duck (Manofest)

This is not “The Experiment” that I wanted (Unreality)

Top 10 NBA draft busts (MoonDogSports)

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I couldn’t be more excited that the NBA draft is only three days away.  I’m not sure if we can say the same for Blake Griffin, who will be the draft’s #1 pick. It’s hard to believe that Blake is excited to join a team that went a combined 42-122 over the last two seasons. Despite this god awful record, the Clippers return coach Mike Dunleavy, who’s seen and contributed to the misery over the last few seasons.

I’d like to help Blake Griffin smoothly transition into his role as savior of the worst professional sports franchise east of Detroit.  To do so, we’re going to translate some looks that you and your teammates will most likely get from Coach Dunleavy this season as you stumble your way to a probable 30-52 record.

“I would trade each and everyone of you for the handsome gentleman on my arm. Yes, that does include you Paul Davis.”

Thought bubble: “Just 2:45 seconds left and I can guarantee myself at 72 hours without having to see Ricky Davis…or Chris Kaman in the shower.  “

“Hold on Salvatore, are you sure it’s illegal for Zach Randolph to take a nap in lane on the defensive end of the court? I’m pretty sure if he isn’t awake, you can’t call him for defensive three seconds. Yeah, I bought him the embroidered sleeping mask. Nice touch right?”

“Don’t you dare blow out another knee Elton.  Do you know how hard it was to convince Cheik Samb to give up his left ACL last year? I told him it was for science. I hate lying to him, especially since the only English he knows he learned from the Taco Bell extra value menu.”

“Do you how many suits I’ve flexed through getting pissed off at you guys? Protein Shaaaaaakkkkeeeee”

” Chris, I’m gonna give this back to you one last time, but if you try to peel and eat it orange again I swear to god…”

“Just let the owner know I helped you up.  Kindness is the only reason I’m still here.  I had to dog sit Donald Sterling’s pomeranians four times last year just to keep the GM title.”

“No, not just out of the game.  I need you out of the stadium, and preferrable LA in the next three hours.  Yeah…see if NC State will take you back.  Get a PE degree.”

“Are you sure that I can’t fire myself if I am the GM as well as the coach? I’ll take my chances, Cheikh Samb, you’re player-coach.  Just keep running Cheesy Bean Burrito until we score.”

The Angry T

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