Big Brown Devastated After Career Ending Injury

It is difficult  for me to type as tears stream down my face onto my keyboard, but I will attempt to finish this article, for you, the reader. By now, my fellow Americans, you must have seen this story. Sadness does not begin to describe what I feel in my heart right now.  The only thing that is getting me through these tough times is an interview that Big Brown’s trainer Rick Dutrow allowed me to do with “America’s Horse,” after this announcement was made.  Reading it over and over again is the only thing that keeps me sane at this point.

TAT: BB, I know this most be a difficult day for you, but fans around the world are wondering what’s next for you? What are your career goals?

BB:  Neighhhhhhhhh.To be honest, I wasn’t even 100 percent sure I was running in a race most of the time.  A lot of people get confused and assume I have human emotions, even though I am a fricking horse.  They start running, I start running, someone hits me with a whip and two minutes later I stop.  Sometimes they throw a wreath of roses around me, they always look delicious by the way, and that was pretty much my average day.

As for my future plans, I am a wild animal, so I plan to have sex with other horses as much as I can for the next 15 odd years.  You remember that movie where Robert Redford wanted to pay that guy to have sex with his wife?  Neighhhhhhh, I’m like the wife, but the offers just keep on coming and I always say yes. I mean take a look at this picture. I am pretty sure human women couldn’t deny me.

As for my career goals, I see a lot of hay in my future.  Hay and drinking water out of troughs, if I had to guess.  Again, ambition and goals are more human things, and I’m a horse.  You’d be surprised how little I actually understand of what goes on in the world.  It’s shocking.

TAT: Well, you seem to be in good spirits.  You earned $3.6 million on the race track. What do you plan to do with that money?

BB: Money? What the hell is Neighhhhh that? I was given oats and the occasional carrot for my efforts and I never heard about anything else.

(I explain money and the worldwide financial system to BB)

Holy shit! Are you serious? I was running against other horses in an attempt to win Rick Dutrow money? This is the same guy, Neighhhhh that was shoving steroid enemas up my ass for 3 years and he walks away with my money.  Oh he’s dead.  Carrots, they give me three carrots and I act like its Christmas, and all the while the Dutrow douche is buying golden toilets seats and diamond shoes because of my legs. I must have looked like an idiot to everyone.

TAT: Yeah, I heard your stud free could be as much as $50 million.

BB: (Silence) I guess…shit.  I guess I should take that as a compliment. Shit. $50 million for my horse seed and I get none of it? Not a dime.  Oats? Yes. Money. No. Horse tail? Yes. Horse condo overlooking Central Park? No. Three radishes and an apple on my birthday? Yes.  Horse tennis shoes. No. Shit. Neighhhhhhh.

TAT: What would you have done differently if you had it all to do over again?

BB: That’s a tough one T.  I can tell you this, I would have really liked to win the Belmont.  Sure, I really had no idea I was in a race, or that the eyes of the nation were on me to see if I could win the Triple Crown, but I really wanted that one.  I got in that back stretch and slowed down a bit, mostly because I didn’t know that people had bet millons of dollars on me and because I really had to take a dump, one of those big horse sized poops.  I ate a little too many oats and I had a feeling it would come back to haunt me, but because I’m a horse, I really don’t know any better.

I assumed that when the jockey was whipping me, he wanted me to go faster, but the fact that I’m a horse precluded me from making a human type response to his urgings.  Its a catch 22, sure I can run fast on all four legs, but I definitely lack the mental capacity to understand how much pressure would be on my in a race.

TAT: What would you have done with your life if you weren’t a championship race horse?

BB: Another great question T.  Let me paint the picture for you.  Have you ever been driving down the highway, look right or left, and see a group of horses just standing in a big field, grazing? I imagine my life would have been something like that, because my virtue of me being a horse, I am a grazer. I mean what else do horses do? We don’t help plow fields anymore.  Occasionally people jump on the back of us and we walk around a bit.  I can’t imagine my life would have been much different than that.  A little grazing here, a carrot or two there, I would poop every now and then and on a good week, I have a little horse sx.  That’s pretty much how it plays out for the equine these days.

TAT: Thanks for the time Big Brown. Is there anything else you’d like to say?

BB: Of course I have to give a shout out of my boy, everyone’s boy actually, Barbaro.  He is up there in horse heaven, waiting for me to into a bad batch of hay and join him. I could tell you some stories about that bastard, let me tell you.  We were in Lexington and lets just say we got into some fermented oats and we were hanging out with some horse skanks.  The camera gets turned on, Barbaro starts telling them about his Derby win…and let’s just say everyone got some horse ass that night.  Damn, that guy could pull horse tail.  (Looks longingly into the distance)

TAT: Okay…I guess that wraps it up. Stay safe Big Brown.

BB: Much love America.

The Angry T

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