Before I say what I am going to say, let me clarify one thing: we all have problems. To look at someone’s disgusting vices and habits without first acknowledging your own is simply wrong. So before I bash my good friend, The Angry T himself, let me tell you about my own dirty little sport secrets.
- I have masturbated to this picture of Ruthie Bolton-Holifield
- I have attended Women’s Field Hockey matches on more then one occasion
- I cried during Chief Illiniwek’s last dance ( what’s next? De-segregating the bathrooms?)
Ok there you go, laugh all you want, I am not ashamed. The Angry T, he’s the one who should be ashamed. Today, I was watching flipping between Michigan-Minnesota and Notre Dame-Marquette basketball games when The Angry T flipped to a program that I thought no one could possibly enjoy: The NFL Scouting Combine. At first I thought he had made a mistake, probably just hit the wrong button. What I found out next has disturbed me more then even this. The Angry T, and many other people, actually enjoy watching this garbage. I watched for about a half hour before I attempted to stick my head in the garbage disposal. A few observations:
- Today’s combine session featured Offensive Linemen, Tight Ends and Kickers. That’s right, KICKERS. What are these guys being tested for? “Ok kickers, we need to see how fast you can tie your shoes, lotta scouts up in the stands, lets give em a show and do some double knots.”
- Watching players run 40 times was a little depressing for a former athlete (using the term very loosely) like myself. I am okay with guys like Adrian Petersen and Reggie Bush being much, much faster then me. But watching Allen Barbre (6 foot 4, 300 lbs) run a 4.84 40 was too much for me to handle. How the hell am I slower then these guys? Everyone knows that fat people are good at some things, like eating, bowling and dying prematurely, but they should not be allowed to be faster then me.
- The room where players were bench pressing 225 pounds was absolutely packed with scouts. Why exactly do these scouts need to be there? If you told me that Joe Thomas of Wisconsin bench pressed 225 lbs 35 times I know that he is stronger then some other guy who only did 25 reps. The only cool thing about watching fat guys’ bench press is listening to the spotter act like a drill sergeant and threaten to kill their sisters if they don’t do 1 more rep. Unfortunately the kickers were not required to do the 225, which would have been some real entertainment.
- By far my favorite moment of this viewing was watching Offensive Linemen partake in the broad jump. Take a minute break from reading this article and think of a time when you have seen an offensive lineman, hell ANYONE playing football broad jump during a game? Who cares how far these guys can broad jump? When Rich Eisen asked one of his analyst why the broad jump was an important event, no one could even give him an answer, and one went so far as to say that it in fact did not really matter, priceless.
- While I don’t enjoy watching the NFL Combine, I think I would definitely watch a combine for non- football players. Aren’t you curious how some of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge contestants would fare in these tests? How fast is Wes? Sub 5? How many times could Beth bench press 225? Also, how would my favorite WWE superstars compare to these future NFL players? Would the Model Rick Martel but up similar numbers at the combine as the pretty boy kickers? Is Joe Thomas made up of the same physical tools as say Mabel (Pictured Left)?
All in all, watching the NFL combine was the worst experience of my life. I just can’t understand why anyone would waste their time watching these guys get tested for skills that really have no effect on whether or not they will have a good NFL career. But to each their own, if you like watching it, then by all means watch it. But you won’t see me watching another second of this garbage, I have a “date” with Mrs. Bolton-Holifield.
-Violent J