If you were to make a list of the biggest bad-asses in the history of the world, a few names would immediately come to mind. How about when Jesus fought King Kong in a bear-knuckle boxing match, beat him and taught him sign language and made this movie to tell the tale (check the bible its in there too.) What about the time when this guy led our forces into Iraq in the early 90’s and wiped the floor big bad Saddam Huessin. I think we all remember an aging arm wrestler won the nation’s heart, custody of his son and one bitchin’ big rig. But even those aforementioned gentlemen cannot hold a candle to the badass of the year and possibly the biggest badass in the history of life.
Maybe you remember Rulon Gardner from the 2000 Summer Olympics held in Sydney. He beat the heavily favored Russian Alexander Karelin to win the Greco-Roman wrestling gold medal. To say that Karelin was the heavy favorite is an understatement. Karelin had never lost, not once, to anyone, ever. He was unbeaten in international competition from 1987-2000, and at the time no one had scored a point on him in 6 years. Now here comes all 130 kg of Rulon Gardner to spoil the party. I was actually angry that Gardner won. I could care less about an American winning the gold; there is something to be said for a guy who hasn’t lost since the invention of VHS Pornography being able to remain undefeated. However, beating a guy who had won 3 straight gold medals and hadn’t lost in 15 years is only the beginning of Rulon’s bad-ass-ness.
In 2002, Gardner was stranded while snowmobiling and nearly died of exposure. He ended up losing a toe due to frost-bite. In 2004, he was struck by an automobile while riding his motorcycle, flipped head-long over the handle bars and dislocated his wrist. But would that stop the ol’ dairy farm hand from winning a spot in the Athens Olympics? Of course not. Sans toe and healthy wrist, Gardner won the 2004 U.S. Olympic Trials and eventually won the bronze medal at the Olympics. But winning the U.S. Olympic Trials and the bronze medal without a toe or a located wrist is only about one half of what makes Rulon Gardner an uber bad-ass.
On February 25, 2007, Rulon Gardner was flying with two friends above Good Hope Bay on the Utah-Arizona border. As per Rulon’s luck, the plane crashed in Good Hope Bay in 44 degree water. The plane sank and all three men were forced to swim for over an hour before they found the shore. Gardner was forced to ditch his luggage (and shoes) in the sinking plane and was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans. The men were forced to attempt to take shelter and wait until help found them. They were found the next day and all three escaped without serious injury. Just so you know, it would only take a non-uber bad-ass 30 minutes to develop hypothermia in 44 degree water.
With several near-death experiences and the disposal of Ivan Drago’s brother in the ring, it should come as no surprise that Gardner is a motivational speaker. With all of the miracles this guy has pulled off as a base, I have started to write the Newest Testament about this guy (look for it this fall in all participating Dollar Tree and Fashion Bug locations). Feel free to pick up a copy. If you need any more proof of Gardner’s transcendent bad-associty, check chapter 6 verse 3 where Gardner Greco-Roman wrestles both Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer to the ground and rubs his disgusting amputated toe in both their faces. Badass.
The Angry T