Miley Cyrus has Finished Her Autobiography, Joseph Pulitzer’s Head Explodes

That’s right folks, there is a publishing company out there who believes that the 15 some odd years of Miley Cyrus’ life are fit for the pages of a book. Even better, it will probably sell 50 million copies because there are enough idiots out there to buy it. But would this be the worst investment these people could make? Probably not, since the autobiographies below have not yet been written.  Let’s take a look at some autobiographies that could give Miley’s piece of trash a run for the it’s money.

Top 11 Least Readable Athlete Biographies:

11. It’s Much Harder Than It Looks: My Life In Basketball – Don Chaney - Don breaks down how he managed to lose in every coaching situation he was ever unfortunate enough to be thrown into.

10.  Player/Coach/Dominatrix: The Story of Tree Rollins - The heartwarming story of Tree Rollins, the last of the NBA’s player coaches.  Despite already holding down two job as a player and a coach, Tree worked nights on the streets of Orlando turning tricks for submissive men for nothing more than the smile that his whip could provide.

9. Tool of Ignorance – Mickey Tettleton – Tool of Ignorance profiles the life, times and career of Mickey Tettleton.  This unorthodox batting style, was born not out of convenience or comfort, but rather he took that stance, in his words, “Just to be a Dick.” Mickey also talks about the world records he held, one of which still stands, for putting several pounds of tobacco in his mouth at one time.

8. Irvin Sold Me His SuperBowl Rings for Coke - Alvin Harper - This book details a drug deal between Alvin Harper and Michael Irvin where “Playmaker” sold Harper his four SuperBowl rings for a kilo of coke and one half conscious hooker.

7. I was the White Guy next to the Guy Dunking: The Jon Koncak Story - John tells the story of his career in the first 12 pages and then rambles about kitchen appliances that he bought off infomercials for the next 43 pages or so.  Around page 60 he introduces a “Choose Your Own Adventure” format where the reader always ends up safe, but overlooked and neglected despite their hard work, hustle, and great attitude.

6. Does it Really Burn Down There: Debunking the Myths of Being a Fire Crotch – Alexi Lalas – I think you get the gist of it. (SPOILER ALERT: It does actually burn down there)

5. Never Above The Neck: Jason Kidd’s Rules To Live By – Jason breaks down the virtues of turtlenecks and cover up to teach the modern male with an anger problem how to assault their wife properly.  This book can be paired with “How the Hell Did I Know My Kid Would Look like That?” on Amazon.com to receive at 30% discount.

4. Nuts on Chin: The Shawn Bradley Story – Shawn recalls the the NBA nuts that have been on his chin in this 565 page epic.

3. How Not To Look Like Me: Healthy Eating Tips for the Modern Athlete - Khalid El Amin (forward by Oliver Miller)

2. I’m Rich Biaaaaaattccchhh - Chris Gatling – Chris uses 180 pages to detail all the things that he can buy that you can’t because he made $29 million dollars in his career and you didn’t.

1. Give Me the Hammer: My Secret Life in Porn – Armon Gilliam – Armon details how his moniker “The Hammer” carried over to his off court activities as a semi-star in the flesh trade on the Jersey Shore in the mid 90’s.

Good luck Miley, I wish only the best for you. So does Armon.

The Angry T

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