Spoiler Alert: Cast Member of CBS’s Survivor: Gabon Does Not; Natives Chuckle, Continue Living

I hate this show.  I hate it and I’m not even sure I’ve watched more than 5 minutes of it.  So let’s just say I’m kind of an expert (or at least comfortable with supporting my statements with rhetoric and a complete lack of evidence).  Honestly, there is a better chance that a team member on Amazing Race will get stabbed to death by a cab driver for incorrectly translating “Drive as fast as you can!” into “Your mother is a whore, and I slept with her goat.”  So when someone disrobes and shows their blurred out hoo-haa because she can’t survive without chocolate and peanut butter, I realize there are far more dangerous—and thus ratings worthy—locations/situations that CBS should be shooting for.

(Note: According to UrbanDictionary.com, Hoo-haa (hyphenated or not) is the correct terminology to use in this instance.  But in spending entirely too much time researching the correct spelling of this, I would like to pass on the following definition listed and subsequent sentence usage:
“Hoo Haa – A nice and sweet way of referring to a woman’s privates.

1. You crazy Hoo Haa!
2. Stacy said she hadn’t bathed for weeks and her Hoo Haa wreaks!”)

Returning back to the subject, I would like to propose several options for future Survivor programs that do justice to the show’s name:

Survivor: Columbus, OH
On Nov. 22, 2008, participants would be placed in teams of 2 caravans, both with State of Michigan license plates and sent to the Horseshoe.  After being pulled over by Ohio State troopers and subsequently frisked several times for ‘tailgating,’ members of Team Maize and Team Blue would be given prime tickets throughout the student section.  Only one very attractive female even makes it safely to the stadium.  While inside, she is stripped of her clothes to ‘aid her in being more attractive,’ but it is determined she is still from U of M, so she is consequently raped and eaten (not necessarily in that order).

 

 

 

Survivor: Manoogian Mansion – Detroit, MI

Are you a stripper?  Can you keep a secret?  Does your cell phone plan come with a texting plan?   If you answered correctly to all of these questions, you not only survive, you’ll probably be making more taxpayer money than you’ve ever dreamed.  Yes, I realize this is an old story.  But consider this: MTV’s Real World has been speculated to have a ‘Detroit’ season for years.  I quoted ‘Detroit’ because by ‘Detroit’ they mean ‘Royal Oak’ or ‘Birmingham,’ both, I should mention, not even in the same county as ‘Detroit.’  Even in the #1 ranked “Most Dangerous City” in 2007, you expect a stay at the mayor’s house should be safe, right?  RIGHT?  Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and they’ll send you to Flint instead…

 

Survivor: Chinese Toy Factory

A team from Flagstaff, AZ compete against a team from Orange County, CA in a Survivor first!  Teams working in a slum-lord driven toy factory in China (I know what you’re thinking…which one?) are abruptly told at the end of the first day:

1) They painting Mercury-based toys with lead-based paint in a room filled with Kryptonite…

2) …for $0.13 a day.

The season is cut short when the members from one of the cleanest cities (Flagstaff) and richest counties (OC) all kill themselves.

 

 

Survivor: Travis Barker’s Plane

Too soon?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Survivor: Montreal, Canada

Every show needs a good twist, and this one will not disappoint.  Several NRA members from the backwoods of our great nation are sent in January across the border into Montreal and told to simply, “Survive.”  Initially elk and deer are hunted to create the means to survive, while members independently begin working together to form a single, unified camp.  One member goes into town to trade for supplies, but is found running back to their site covered in blood and screaming, “THEY DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH!  FRENCH WORDS EVERYWHERE!”  A militia is formed, named The United Confederacy of Confederates of America, and the players find it is not they who must survive, but Canada…

 

 

 

Survivor: Religious Warfare

…Because deep down inside, we all know the best way to publicize whose god reigns supreme is to have the biggest whacko’s fight it out to the death.  Probably in a cage.  If anyone comes back from the dead, though—win or lose—I’m going with theirs.

 

 

Survivor: Roger Goodell

To all NFL players, coaches, executives, support staff, and owners:

You can’t.

Survive, that is.

Just stop cheating, breaking the law, having sex boats (without inviting the Commish), and flashing your balls to fast food employees.

Love always,

Roger

P.S. – ‘Fire Millen’ was good for overall business and exposure.  Someone wanna start a “Die Davis” chant…

 

Raging M

 

 

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