Father of the Year Candidate Gives His Son Steroids to ‘Motivate Him to Play Sports’

You can’t blame this guy for trying.  I’m certain that his child was just as into being a world class athlete as his dad was.

While this story is pathetic, that won’t stop us from doing our due diligence.  We intercepted a prison letter or “kite,” from Todd Gerleman’s son to his father.  Here is the letter, in it’s entirety:

Dear Dad,

Hopefully this reaches your cell.  I had to give a guard three packs of cigarettes to get him to give you this letter.  Coincidentally, he told me that you were “purchased” for the same amount of cigs six hours prior to my visit.

All I have to say about your incarceration is “Raw Deal.” I’m the one that slapped around mom, and don’t even get me started about that.  I was minding my own business slamming creatine shakes and doing my evening lunges and she’s starting barking at me about school, like a bitch.  I just flew of the handle I guess, I can’t imagine why though.  It’s not like my dad was giving his 14 year old son anabolic steroids.  Oh wait…that’s exactly what my idiot father was doing (that’s you by the way).

Listen, I know you’re trying to poison yourself with three King Size Triple Whoppers per day, but I’m more interested that my liver works for the foreseeable future than being able to bench press 300 pounds.  I am 14 goddamn years old you idiot, are you aware that I’m still developing young human?  The doctors says I’m probably going to have to wait a couple years for my testicles to re-descend.  That should be a big hit with the ladies.

That last sentence is a pun, because of the steroids you gave me, I slapped the shit out of my own mother.  No wonder you only get weekend visitation rights.  The judge that allowed you to see me even two days a week should be disbarred.  You should also be fired Dad…from life.  I would have strangled myself with my own umbilical cord if I know I would have this big of an idiot for a father.  In fact, I’m surprised I didn’t end up with four arms and six eyes since my DNA is one half dumbass.  Although, you probably would have enjoyed that,  I could have been a better cornerback or swimmer with six arms.

Maybe I shouldn’t judge, because of your last name (Gerleman) all the kids in school used to call you “Girly-Man.” Your goal must have been to make a roided-up child that could exact some revenge.  Great idea pop, but could you practice this exercise on son #2, I’d rather not have my face and back look like DiGiorno pepperoni pizza. Luckily for you, I’m sure that no one in prison will make fun of you about that name in prison.  They will be waaaayyy too busy with the sodomy.

In any event, I’m going to go ahead and throw away these steroids.  So far they have me punching mom, growing breasts and going bald.  Unfortunately, balding isn’t dignified when you’re 14.  Good luck in jail, you shouldn’t have any problems getting your own, very personal injections while in the clink.

Signed,

Your Son

(The One With the Back-ne)

While I am sure this Gerleman isn’t the only one whose parents pushed them to greatness.  In fact, there are a bunch of probably steroid users in our favorite sports movies.  Let’s take a look at some children in sports movies that undoubtedly were on the juice.

Ice Box – Little Giants - She’s a hybrid cheerleader / linebacker, do you think that could be pulled off without some form of chemical enhancement?

Spike Hammersmith – Little Giants – Does the quote, “When you mess with Spike, you mess with death,” signal roid’ rage to you?

The Italians from “Kicking and Screaming” -All Italians are on steroids, that’s why we were all so greasy.  Excess grease is a another, undiscovered, steroid, side effect.

Lil’ Bow Wow – Like Mike - Was it the shoes or the frequent Winstrol injections?

Fat Guy from Teen Wolf - This fat guy simply took the steroids and never worked out or exercised at all outside of his limited play in basketball games

Although the fat kid never used steroids properly, he did supply them to one of the other guys on his team.  Unbelievable hair, and results ensued.

The Angry T

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