God Bless the Japanese, and not just because I saw this picture online today:
Frightening.
No, the Japanese are fantastic because they have passed a bill that will enable the Japanese Navy to use deadly force against pirates. I’m sure you are currently processing how awesome a fight between a Japanese seaman (who I assume all have Ninja skills) and a pirate. To break it down even further, NINJA VS. PIRATE!!!!!
In honor of inevitable Ninja vs. Pirate faceoffs, let’s take a look at just how awesome Ninjas fighting Pirates can be.
Haru – Beverley Hills Ninja vs. The Dread Pirate Roberts – The Princess Bride
Tale of the Tape
Haru – 5′8″ 340 pounds of jungle cat
Roberts – 6′ 180 pounds of princess humping machine
The Verdict: Despite his overwhelming physical presence, Haru is no match for the Dread Pirate Roberts. Roberts uses his brains, brawn, and English accent to overcome Haru’s girth. I’m also sure that if the actor playing the character is dead, the character is also dead, which would swing the pendulum in Robert’s favor. It’s sort of like a matrix/real life kind of deal. Watch that first matrix if you are confused.
Score: Pirates 1, Ninja 0
Tum Tum – Three Ninjas vs. Rufio – Hook
Tale of the Tape
Tum Tum – 3′6″ 65 pounds of ass kicker
Rufio - 5′5″ 120 pounds of skunkhead, with two much mousse: (Although Rufio is not actually a pirate, he looks enough like one to fight Tum Tum)
The Verdict: While Rufio has the height, weight and maturity advantage, Tum Tum loves licorice and beating the hell out of burglars. Tum Tum whoops Rufio and cuts his hair into a brush cut.
The Score: Pirates 1, Ninjas 1
Huo Juanjia (Jet Li) – Fearless vs. Johnny Depp – The Pirates of the Caribbean
Tale of the Tape:
Huo Juanjia – 5′6″ 135 pounds of big screen Ninja
Jack Sparrow – 5′10″ 170 pounds of smelly ass pirate
The Verdict: The obvious choice here is Jet Li, but I think if Jack sparrow can distract him long enough with a show tune from that devil barber movie, he might be able work in a couple sword thrusts and come home with a victory. Unfortunately, Jet Li would just spawn one of hundreds of versions of himself from the movie, “The One,” and karate kick the shit out of Sparrow.
Score: Pirates 1, Ninjas 2
Ninja Gaiden – Ninja Gaiden vs. Steve the Pirate – Dodgeball
Tale of the Tape
Ninja Gaiden - Approximately 6′1″ 205 pounds of digital jackhammer
Steve the Pirate - 6′0″ 190 pounds of delusional regular person dressed as a pirate
The Verdict: Even though he exists only in the digital world, Ninja Gaiden has a sword and 3-99 lives, depending on how many extras you can find during the game.
Score: Pirates 1, Ninjas 3
Julie Pierce (Karate Kid 4 – Hilary Swank) vs. Captain Hook
The Tale of the Tape:
Julie Pierce: 5′8″ of female karate kid fury
Captain Hook – 6′0″ of plundering, bearded anger
The Verdict: Maybe you’ve seen Million Dollar Baby, maybe you haven’t, but if you have, you know that Hilary will not be denied.
The Final Score: I think it was very obvious, but if you didn’t get it, Ninjas will forever be tougher than Pirates. Sorry Steve.
The Angry T
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hey jackass, you say the following:
“The Verdict: While Rufio has the height, weight and maturity advantage, Tum Tum loves licorice and beating the hell out of burglars. Tum Tum whoops Rufio and cuts his hair into a brush cut.”
And yet, assign the point to Pirates. Clearly a ninja won this round. So it should read
Pirates: 1 Ninjas: 1, after the second round.
Wanna edit that?
[...] Ninja vs Pirate Faceoff. [Angry T] [...]
The struggle of Pirates vs. Ninjas is eternal, it will never be won, there will only be battles, and the momentary gaining of the upper hand every century or so. Battle on brave Pirates and Ninjas, we salute you.
soma…
soma…
You, sir just found yourself a place in my bookmarks