Since the Colonel is Retrieved from his Watery Grave, We Look at the Best Sport’s Curses

It’s official, the colonel is safe and sound and the Hanshin Tigers can once again return to glory.

Personally, I had no clue there was even a curse on this team.  I also had no clue that Hanshin even had a team.  Also, I had no clue that Hanshin was a city.  Finally, I had no clue they even played baseball in Japan. I believed that Mr. Baseball was based completely in fantasy and Daisuke stumbled out of a curo cabinet having pitched for many years in the land of Narnia.

I really love sports’ curses because the teams tormented by them actually believe there is a dead man, or dead goat, out there that’s stopping them from winning a professional sports championship.  I’m fairly sure that the dead Babe Ruth was more interested in getting drunk and getting hot dead tail than smiting the Boston Red Sox from above.

Let’s take a look at the best, and lesser known (sorry Cubs fans, I heard the story 5,000 times already), sports curses that are still alive:

The Cardinals Football Curse – Many of you Cardinals fans out there might not even know that your team will forever be unable to win a championship. Your Cardinals undeservedly claimed the 1925 NFL Championship, even though the Pottsville Maroons were obviously the more deserving team. The Bidwells and company will never win a championship again until the trophy is returned to Pottsville.  Until then, Pennslyvania will continue to send superior teams to beat you in the Super Bowl.

The Cleveland Curse – Cleveland has not won a championship in a combined 145 seasons.  Voodoo sorcerers attribute this curse Jim Brown leaving to film the Dirty Dozen in 1965, Rocky Colavito being traded in 1960, or the fact that the Drew Carey show was allowed to pollute the air waves for 9 seasons.

The Jets Merger Curse - The Jets have not won a Super Bowl since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970.  Some say,that the secretaries in the AFL league office, who would be fired and replaced with the more efficient NFL secretaries as per the merger agreement, forever cursed the Jets.  They specifically cursed the Jets because Broadway Joe, or Clamydia Joe as he was known among the secretaries, never gave them a gift for secretaries day.  Also, he never told them about vapor lock.

The Curse of Bobby Layne - When the Detroit Lions traded 3-Time NFL Championship quarterback Bobby Layne in 1958, he remarked that the Lions would not win another championship for 50 years.  Thank god that curse expired last year.  I have no doubt the Lions will return to their winning ways in 2009.  (See Mr. Millen, it wasn’t your fault at all)

The NHL Expansion Curse – This curse refuses to be contained in the lore of a single team.  The NHL Expansion curse actually effects the Maple Leafs, the Kings, the Blues, the Sabres, the Canucks and the Capitals.  Remember poor management or talent has nothing to do with the fact that six of the current 30 teams have not won a championship since 1968.

The Curse of Denis Potvin - You might want to put the kids to bed before reading this one, because its eerie.  The Islanders have not won a championship since Denis Potvin retired in 1988.  When he retired he reportedly said…nothing.  He thanked the fans for their support and wished the team well.  In fact, he just felt that at the age of 34, it was time to move on.  No nefarious motives, no “you’ll rue the day that I left,” just a retirement.  In any event, Denny is still responsible for the curse and until he returns to the ice at the age of 55, the Islanders will never win.

The Curse of Ben Tillman - It’s always good to have a governor that can not only govern, but also put curses on schools inside the state.  That’s exactly what South Carolina got when they elected governor Ben Tillman. Tillman, in between alienating the states’ black men by enacting Jim Crow laws Tillman put a curse on South Carolina University and the Citadel because some state senators voted against creating another state school.  Seems fair to me Mr. Tillman.  Since he invoked the curse, South Carolina has won only one championship, in Outdoor Track & Field, and I’m fairly sure they just pick a name out of a hat to determine a winner in that one. Tillman had a direct influence on #15 Coppin State’s victory over #2 South Carolina in the 97′ tourney, when he blocked a three pointer at the buzzer (with his corpse) to preserver the under (144), and a 78-65 CSU victory.

I’m not sure his curse worked on the Citadel though.  They continue to churn out great military men while sexually assaulting female cadets at a prodigious clip.

and finally, the curse of the “Teams that are Shitty Remain Shitty because of Shitty Management and Talent Evaluation”

This curse effects all teams that suck for more than 10 years.  These teams are plagued by bad talent and money management which inevitably leads fans to believe that the chicken fingers served in the third deck are haunted.  Which they very well may be, because I was cursed to sit on the toilet for 3 hours after eating them.

The Angry T

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