It’s official. America is now a three sport nation. The NHL was taken off of life support, evident by its 0.6 Television Rating for game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (Led by Teemu Selanne and that Goldberg kid who farts a lot) and the Ottawa Senators (presumably still led by Alexei Yashin and Alexander Daigle, just like they were in my NHL ’96 video game for Sega Genesis). To put this TV rating into perspective, here are some helpful points:
- 0.6 Rating is equal to about 446,000 households
- Assuming these households aren’t all Irish Catholic or Mormon, lets say on average 1.5 people in each household are actually watching the game (Mom is probably watching Lifetime and getting into the scotch).
- This would mean roughly 700,000 people watched a Stanley Cup playoff game. This is equal to about 0.23 % of America’s population.
- TV shows that people would rather watch then Hockey: NCAA Women’s Gymnastics (0.9 rating), Girlfriends (2.5) and Reba (3.6).
But this article will not be about saving hockey, because like the Ultimate Warrior, it’s dead. However, we must replace it with something because if we don’t act soon more people will be lured into watching something awful…..like the WNBA.
The problem is that we have all are athletes tied up playing the 3 major sports. In order to guarantee the success of this new fourth sport, we need the other sports to loan the players in their respective leagues that would have the best chance at stardom in the new professional league.
I’ve already dismissed the other sports that have failed to grab the #4 spot:
Soccer: Too European…..Offside rule is communist
NASCAR: I’m pretty sure the North won the Civil War
Tennis: Nadal wears Capri’s for shit’s sake
Golf: I might consider it….but not until Jim Nantz dies, or has his tongue cut off.
After 10-15 minutes of serious research, I’ve found three fantastic applicants for entrance into the four major sport category. In no particular order….
ULTIMATE (or as “The Man” calls it, ULTIMATE FRISBEE)
Basic Info: Hippies run around a field throwing a Frisbee. Points are awarded in the form of funions. Players save whales, plant “peace” flowers, sign liberal petitions, all during halftime and sometimes during the game.
Athlete Requirements: Smokes a ton of weed, 20% of body must be covered in hemp, must have Grateful Dead collection (vinyl preferred)
Players Donated to League:
NFL: Ricky Williams, Ron Mexico
MLB: Barry Zito
NBA: Jerry Stackhouse, Ricky Davis, Carmelo Anthony, The 2000 Portland Trailblazers, Bill Walton (commissioner)
AMERICAN GLADIATORS
Basic Info: Great Show in the 90’s, except it pitted 45 year-old accountants against body builders. To be the 4th sport, premiere athletes from other sports must step up to face the Gladiators.
Athlete Requirements:
Atlasphere: run around in a hamster ball. Must have experience with confined spaces
NFL: Tank Johnson, Scumbag Jones
NBA: The 2000 Portland Trailblazers
MLB: Elijah Dukes, Doc Gooden
Assault: Fire a variety of weapons at a target while being constantly under gun fire
NFL: Chris Henry, Brandon Meriweather
NBA: The 2000 Portland Trailblazers,
MLB: Vince Coleman (Fired a firecracker into the crowd at a heckler once)
Human Cannonball: Hold onto a swinging rope while ramming into a Gladiator on a pedestal trying to make him fall
NFL: Aaron Gibson, Bill Parcells
NBA: Mike Sweetney, Oliver Miller
MLB: Pete Incaviglia, Bob Hamelin
BOCCE
Basic Info: You throw a tiny ball a short distance then you try to get your lager balls closer to the small ball then your opponent can.
Athlete Requirements: Don’t need to be fast, strong, or possess any other athletic skill. Basically you need to be Italian.
Players Donated to League:
NFL: Tony Romo, Tony Siragusa
NBA: No one fits requirements
MLB: Is Marino Pieretti still alive? (Answer: NO.)
Other: The Angry T, Mario Andretti, That family from the Olive Garden Commercials.
Violent J
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