Unemployment Olympics Kick off in NYC, Gary Sheffield Dominates Most Events

These ingenious SOB’s took the time out of their job search today to put together an event called the “Unemployment Olympics.” Events range from “Pin the Blame on the Boss,” to “The Office Phone Toss.”  I probably would have added the “Hot Coffee Throw,” or the ” Crippled Carpal Tunnel Hand Showdown,” or even the “Most Crushed Soul,” which would include a poetry competition about how full-time employment kills your spirit/soul.

I was surprised that we didn’t see some of our favorite unemployed athletes, like the recently unemployed Gary Sheffield, take part in these games.  Even though they didn’t show up, let’s take a look at some unemployed athlete who should have taken part in these games.  We’ll also analyze their best discipline:

Gary Sheffield

Special Event: Manager Bus Throw: No matter where Gary has stopped in his baseball career, it is inevitable that he will eventually throw his manager under the bus.  Joe Torre, one of the best player’s managers ever, was eventually thrown under a speeding bus after Sheffield basically him a racist. Jim Leyland, couldn’t put the reigns on this guy either and after constant complaints from Sheffield regarding playing time, he was finally let go.

Roger Clemens -Special Event – Office Hero-to-Office Pariah 100 m Dash – Roger was legitimately in the discussion for greatest pitcher ever until this whole “steroid issue” popped up. The only man that can even come close to rivaling the Rocket in this event is Pete Rose.  Like Roger, Pete has continued to dig himself hole after hole.  Roger also would dominate the “Most Disturbing Passage Written About You,” event after Tom Verducci’s gem from the Yankee Years:

I have no idea how Tom Verducci went about extracting a detail like this, but this passage from The Yankee Years sure explains a lot about Roger Clemens — and is destined to haunt me for the rest of the day.
“He’d come out looking like a lobster,” Yankee trainer Steve Donahue said.

Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on (Clemens’) testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

Byron Leftwich – Workmans Comp. Collecting – Maybe this one is a little unfair, but Lord Byron has still never played a full season since his ankle has the consistency of a crisp breadstick.  If you aren’t pleased with the workman’s comp crack, we can go with the “Break Room Bagel Closer,” event, where he’d also be a superstar.

Pedro Martinez – Escorting the Recently Fired Out of the Building – Everyone knows that Pedro is great at tossing old men around.  Ask poor Don Zimmer.  He’d be perfect for the job of escorting recently fired middle aged men and women out of their offices after being fired.  Hopefully he’ll treat the jobless old men a little better than this.

If his physicality doesn’t overwhelm his escortee, he could bring his fighting cocks into the office for intimidation purposes.

Greivis Vasquez – Newsletter Writing Competition - Very few companies just talk constant trash to one another.  Vazquez would be an innovator in the field of corporate trash talking. What if he worked for IBM:

“Dear Steve Jobs, nice black turtle neck.  I’m sure I’d dress like a hobo if I was a billionaire too.  Also, if Justin Long makes fun of our company one more time, I’m going to shove a dodge ball, and Patches O’ Hoolihan directly up his ass.’”

Since he hasn’t yet been drafted yet, he still qualifies as unemployed.

Michael Vick – Office Pool Organizing – No one, and I mean no one, organizes a better gambling event than Michael Vick.  The key is getting him to show up, because if I were him, I would be making a world tour of countries where animals rights aren’t as big of a deal as they are in the United States.  I’d go to Spain to Bull Fight, Korea to eat dog, Pakistan to Bear Bait, and Sweden to eat kittens (I assume they do that there).

Let me know if I missed any other unemployed athletes who could cut it at the Unemployment Olympics.

The Angry T

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