The Lions Replace Their Logo, So We Go a Step Further and Help Other Teams Replace Their Mascots

Most football fans are probably now aware that the 0-16 Detroit Lions have decided to change their logo.  Here’s what they decided upon:

Am I the only one, besides Robert Bossler, who thinks that the Lions new mascot is a bet effeminate? Look at that limp right paw.  How fitting is it that the overly effeminate Detroit Lions now have a very effeminate feline as their logo? The Detroit Lions, after ruining pro football for all of their fans, have moved onto the animal kingdom and shattered the confidence of the king of the jungle.  My sources in the Serengeti say lions can hardly eat a gazelle without crying and apologizing to the family of said gazelle.

In any event, its time to “help” other sports teams by making sure those teams don’t make the same mistakes that the Lions brass have made.

The Iranian Soccer Team – Apparently, the men below are Iranian snipers.  While they sort of resemble a wookie, I think they would make a perfect mascot for the Iranian soccer team.  First of all, they have guns, which fits in perfectly with my distorted and offensive view of the Iranian populace.  Also, let’s say the UAE comes in for a friendly.  Tell me this wouldn’t scare the shit the opposing attackers if it was roaming the sidelines? Done and done.

Penn State University Football - Move over dude dressed in a lion costume, I’ve found a more appropriate mascot that represents the 46 Penn State football players that have faced 163 criminal charges since 2002:

Sean Avery – This guy has so many sports articles written about him its time that he got this own mascot.

Chinese Women’s Olympic Gymnastic Team - Below is the only suitable mascot for the decorated Chinese Women’s gymnastic team.  I can’t wait to see how fantastic this team becomes when they can graduate from their pull-ups to regular undergarments and shelve that nagging gum pain due to the loss of their baby teeth:

Manchester United - Since their star player, Cristiano Ronaldo has shown a penchant for skin cancer and the bronze pallor that can only be achieved in normally overcast greater Manchester with the implement below, it’s only fitting:

Chicago Pussies – Since this pussy was seen gingerly running through the outfield today, and the ground crew had to deal with the hard to catch feline below. The Cubs have no doubt earned their new nickname and mascot.

Florida International University – Since there new coach has blown up every organization he’s touched not named the Indiana Pacers since retiring, this new mascot should work nicely.

Yes, this is a molotov cocktail:

Boston Celtics – With the derth of knee injuries taking place in Boston, it’s only fitting that we rename the champs the the “Gillooly’s” for the time being.

Although I’d suggest that they probably keep this freak away from games to avoid frightening children, the elderly and Danny Ainge in his weakened state.

Pittsburgh Pirates - While Blackbeard has been dead for two hundred years, Somali pirates are currently pillaging any vessel that dares to venture into the waters off the coast of Africa.  Change the name to the Pittsburgh Somali Pirates and hire a few of these dudes to steal shit out of the opposing teams locker room during the game.  First, I’m certain that Soriano and Prince Fielder would hardly miss the ice that gets taken. Second, I just solved the pirate crisis because once the pirates’ friends see how much skrill their making, they’ll abandon this dangerous actual pirate stuff and start stealing shit out of major league clubhouse. Maritime crisis averted. You’re welcome.

“Give me the gold watch Braun.”

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]