Ogre Would Have a Field Day

I would never claim to be intelligent in the traditional sense.  I would also never claim that I have a fantastic sense of humor because it always seems to me that I am the one laughing the loudest at my jokes.  However, even with my limited intelligence and comedic gifts, I know that making up a joke about blowing up a professional football stadium is neither funny nor intelligent.  In fact, up until a few days ago I would have thought that everyone could agree on that point.  Well, once again, it turns out I am wrong. 

James J. Brahm, a 20-year old grocery store clerk from Wisconsin, thought it would be hilarious to post internet warnings suggesting that there was a plot afoot to blow up several NFL stadiums this weekend.  Brahm was allegedly in a contest with his friends to see who could make the most outrageous internet post.  Great contest, nerds. Here’s an idea: go to a bar, get real drunk and forget about your terrible, loser-ish internet posting contest.  You’re welcome; I just saved you 5 years in jail. Internet posting contests?  What ever happened to a good ol’ fashioned heterosexual weightlifting or chick-picking-up contest? Or seeing how many shots you and your friends can take before it gets serious and someone starts throwing up and there is that moment that you think you should take them to the hospital but no one is sober, and eventually they stop throwing up and you just forget about them and hope they wake up the next morning. They made a movie about nerds like these; they ended up getting revenge or something, I can’t remember what it was called.   By the way, why is it that presidential assassins or serial killers are always referred to by at least 3 names or initials? Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, John Wilkes Booth, Mark David Chapman, just to name a few.  Are you trying to make these people out to be dignified, upper-crust individuals with a storied family history?  In my America you will have to be at least a millionaire to be referred to by more than 2 names.  That’s it, no exceptions.  And I don’t want to hear any complaints from those people with two first names like Mary Jo, Billy Bob and the like. One first name per person prospective parents, get it straight.  I think I may be off topic, back to the story.

Hardy fricken Har Mr. Brahm. I hope you got a great laugh out of it.  Where you are going sir, there will be no laughter or internet postings to impress friends.  How do you think they treat fake internet bomb threat criminals in jail?  I imagine they get treated worse than pedophiles but slightly better than Maurice Clarett.  Has there ever been a greater miscalculation of what other people would think was funny?  Maybe the Magic Hour, or Kazaam, possibly Gigli, but neither ended in a jail sentence… but maybe they should have.  Listen to what the FBI said about Brahm’s post: “These types of hoaxes scare innocent people, cost business resources and waste valuable homeland security resources.” Sounds a lot like a bad movie to me. These same words could describe a bad movie whose hoax is the claim by promoters that it was actually worth seeing. I am always pissed off after leaving a bad movie because my “resources” have been depleted after paying 10 dollars to watch “Unbreakable” or “Mission to Mars” (on second thought I will take the blame for “Mission to Mars”). Just something to think about the next time you see Ben Affleck walking the streets a free man. Do the right thing Ben, turn yourself in, and don’t worry, I will take good care of Jennifer Garner.

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