I wonder if this is how this clown thought it would end, limping towards history to break a record that very few people actually want him to break. Instead, most would love to see his leg break like a week-old bread stick on his way to pick up the ball in the left field corner. But if my prayers to Allah, Jesus, and the Jewish equivalent of Jesus haven’t worked thus far, then I have to believe that my recent conversion to Confucianism isn’t going to tear the cartilage from bone like I hoped. In any event, it is clear that Barry is a shell of the seven-time MVP we remember. His last two seasons are his worst since 1989, which is to be expected as he is nearly 43 years old. That being said, his on-base percentage is still right around .500, which is percentage points better than what Jesus did back in 31 A.D. for the Joltin’ Jews of the old Biblical Professional Baseball Association. In fact, there are some much better examples of guys who virtually crawled to the record they were looking to break. Here are a few:
Craig Biggio: 3000 Hits – Craig’s pursuit of 3000 hits was about as climatic as a field goal kicking contest between Ron Santo and Houston’s own Al Del Greco. Craig’s last two seasons are by far his worst full seasons and 2007 is probably most painful because his team is god awful. It would be absolutely shocking if he decides to play one more season now that he reached his milestone. Welcome to the Hall Craig, and now get off the field so we can get someone out there who couldn’t identify Jeff Bagwell’s testicles by smell and touch.
Ricky Henderson 3000 Hits – Ricky was a solid hitter throughout his career, but no one is going to confuse this guy with Ted Williams. Ricky never even had a 200 hit season. In fact, he is the only guy in the 3000 hit club never to surpass 180 hits in a season. It took him 23 seasons to reach 3000 and those last few seasons were pretty damn awful. In each of his last four campaigns he lowered his career low batting average for a season. When you are hitting .206, it has to be tough to stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and say “Ricky is the Best,” and actually believe it. (Thanks to 100 % Injury Rate)
Early Wynn: 300 Wins – You hate to speak ill of the deceased, but this guy’s 300th win was an absolute joke. Early ended the season in 1962 sitting on 299 wins. 62’ was his worst season in 20 years as he finished 7-15. There was absolutely no gas left in the tank and it was obvious to all parties involved. So what does he do? He comes back and pitches limited innings, most of which were relief appearances, and gets number 300 by going 1-2. Congratulations Early, I hope you are proud of yourself.
Rafael Palmeiro 3000 Hits: – This is a different kind of limp to the finish than the ones above. Although Rafael’s final season was sub-par by his standards, it wasn’t pathetic. He had 18 home runs and 60 RBI’s through 110 games for a pretty terrible Orioles team. He got his 3000 hit in the first part of the season and all of us marveled at his staying power and consistency. What makes this a limp was the David Blaine-like disappearing act three quarter of the way through the season. He was busted by the MLB for using steroids, got suspended, and absolutely no one ever saw him again. He absolutely dropped off the face of the earth. Not one interview, blurb, or sighting. I guess this can’t even be called a limp into the sunset, it is more like a super-stealth Ninja barrel roll into the darkness.
Nykesha Sales U-Conn Scoring Record – This should look unbelievably out of place among five other baseball records, but I am still disgusted with this literal limp to the record. Sales ruptured her Achilles tendon two points short of the UConn career scoring record. The team’s next game was against Villanova and the teams conspired to let Sales score an uncontested basket so she could break the record. How do you think the previous record holder felt when she saw this goldbricker simply being given the record. I am sorry Nykesha, you fell short, that’s it, end of story, no record for you. This sort of thing could only happen in the frilly undergarment, doily filled world of women’s sports, right Brett?
The Angry T
www.theangryt.com
