Is Anyone Not on Steroids? Let’s Find Out.

With the recent news of Manny Ramirez testing positive for steroids, it begs the question… is anyone clean? We’ve compiled a list of ten people who we think might be.

Derek Jeter

He’s everyone’s favorite Yankee. Mr. November. Not a power hitter, just a solid hitter with the propensity for making the big play, both offensively and defensively. He’s a great teammate and a better captain. If Mr. Jeter ever tested positive, millions of little children’s images of him would be forever tarnished. Don’t worry kids… Derek is clean.

Barack Obama

If Derek Jeter is America’s favorite partially black baseball player, Barack Obama is America’s favorite partially black President. He might have tested positive for other substances back in his day, but today Barack is 100% clean. No political scandals here.

Prince Fielder

Look at the guy. His dad certainly never tried steroids, and he followed his path in that regard. He’s just a big, lovable teddy bear who can hit the ball a long way. And, if he’s juicing up, he’s not doing a very good job because he certainly could use a little more muscle mass.

Hugo “Hurley” Reyes

The only thing Hurley is guilty of is stealing food from the Dharma Initiative and not losing any weight on a semi-deserted island. Steroids? If they taste good, he’d probably try them.

Tayshaun Prince

At 6’9, 115, Tayshaun certainly should consider steroids. But, alas, he’s still as skinny as ever. When he weighs in at 285 next fall, we can start to worry.

The Artist Formally Known As Prince

If anyone’s skinnier than Tayshaun, it’s this Prince. Suspicion surrounds steroids and his comeback in the 90’s, but he appears to have cleaned his act up lately. At age 50, he should be consulting far more useful medications.

Joe Mauer

Joe Mauer is the Derek Jeter of the AL Central. He’s a two sport athlete who just does everything right. Class act and the face of the city of Minnesota right now. This one would shock me a ton. Mauer’s as clean as they get.

Jack Bauer

Let’s say Jack Bauer was on steroids. Would you be the one to confront him on it? Would you live to tell about it? No, Jack Bauer is not taking steroids.

Terry Francona

Believe it or not, Terry Francona was once a first round draft pick. He went on to his 16 career home runs. He could have used the juice. He probably should have snuck some from Manny when he was in Boston.

Terry Bollea

Is this Terry doing steroids? No, he’s just naturally very muscular. You better believe it, brother.

Massacre