2008 NCAA by EA Sports – Top Rated Prospects Take Center Stage

NCAA 2008 has been released, Jared Zabransky is on the cover and I am leading the University of The Angry T to a national championship.  For the last six months, you have had to hear your friends tell you about the new recruits their team signed.  Even though they have never seen this 18 year old play, your buddy is already booking his tickets to Canton 18 years from now for the recruits’ Hall of Fame induction ceremonies.    One of the best parts about this game is that you can play your team’s new recruit, even if they will sit on the bench for the next three years in real life.  Below are ratings and analysis of the Rivals 2007 Top 10 recruits. I also put each of these guys in a starter’s role and played them against their rivals.  Statistics are displayed below. 

1. Jimmy Clausen –QB – 83 – Notre Dame Overall, 76 Break Tackle, 91 Throw Power, 87 Throw Accuracy.  Notre Dame’s newest golden boy ranks best among incoming QB’s.  If there was a rating for ridiculously douchetastic haircuts, his would be around 165.  The 76 Break Tackle rating is a little bit startling for a QB in this game until you consider the amount of product required to keep that Clausen’s hair in place.  Some drippage is inevitable and said drippage mixed with condensation on his jersey will make him nearly impossible to tackle.

Performance – In a tough 27-24 home loss to Michigan, Clausen completed 19 of 32 passes for 220 yards.  He threw two picks and only one touchdown.  Gelled hair, doesn’t play great in big games…that reminds me of someone, I just can’t put my finger on who it is.

2. Joe McKnight – RB – 84 OVR, 90 Speed, 85BTK – USC- Joe was the number one recruit at the running back position.  Apparently, Pete Carroll wasn’t too impressed with this effort at spring practice because he currently sits fifth on the depth chart.  Outside of promising Joe a car or an airliner, I’m not sure how Pete convinced him to sit on the bench for three years.  NCAA 2008 does make light of these potential improprieties, as Joe doesn’t run the tunnel like the other little digital people, he actually touches down at the 50 in one of those planes that can land vertically right before the coin toss.  Joe McKnight also has a chance of breaking several significant records including Reggie Bush’s 2305 bitches boinked in his career.

Performance – McKnight came up big against cross-town rival UCLA.  He rushed for 88 yards on 20 carries and scored 2 TD’s.  Just for the record, he banged nine girls the night after the game to get up to an even 345 porked chicks on the year.

3. Eric Berry – DB – 85 OVR, 95 SPD – Tennessee – Berry has the highest overall rating of any of the new recruits.  Unfortunately he currently sits third on the depth chart which relegates him to nickel and dime situations.  Fortunately, I not only moved Berry up on the depth chart, I cut everyone else on the team who was even thinking about playing the defensive back position so Berry became a completely indispensable starter.

Performance – Berry only recorded two tackles on the day, but you could tell his mere presence on the field had Tim Tebow shitting his pants en route to a 21-20 upset of #3 Florida.  Fans were behind him with signs saying, “75 percent of the earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Eric Berry.  He also contributed with two returns for 50 yards on kickoffs and three returns for 27 yards on punts.

4. Ryan Mallett – QB – 82 OVR, Throw Power 96. Throw Accuracy 87 – Michigan – As a Michigan fan, this recruit is near and dear to my maize and blue heart.  I refuse to sit Chad Henne in order to make way for Mallett, so Ryan will have to mire on the bench for at least one more season.  I think every game should take a cue from me and edit Mallett’s name to read John Navarre.  They are the exact same height, nearly the same weight, and they will be the same type of pocket passer. I hope they don’t share the same propensity to lose every single tough game on the road, but even if they do, I have tweaked the schedule to only play easy Division III opponents on the road.  God bless the scheduling function.

Performance – It was a tough day for Ryan Mallett against Ohio State.  The Wolverines were pummeled 43-7, at home, and Mallett completed five of 17 pass for only 62 yards.  His three interceptions were also distressing as he looked eerily similar to Navarre as he looked past his first option

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5. Carlos Dunlap – DE 83 OVR, 80 SPD, 72 TAK, 72 STR – USC – Carlos comes directly out of the Jevon Kearse mold.  He is big, strong and fast and third on the depth chart.  Time to change that and get Carlos paid.  Say hello the number one DE spot on the Florida State Seminoles.

Performance – The pressure does not deter Carlos Dunlap. He recorded three tackles and one sack in a 49-22 rout of Florida State.  He stepped up on the big stage and performed the way we all expected him to, which is why he declared for the NFL following this game.  Go get paid Carlos.

6. Everson Griffin – DE – 83 OVR, 82 SPD, 72 TAK, 74 STR – USC – Picture Simeon Rice, but with a more refined first name.  While the name Everson might suggest that he is a poet laureate, he is actually a tackling machine hell bent on breaking the little digital legs of all quarterbacks in sight. It actually said that in his recruiting screen.

Performance – Everson had four tackles and a forced fumble against those punks from UCLA.  I even saw him in a pile continually leg dropping Patrick Cowan in the ACL.  He didn’t succeed in that regard, but I would say four tackles and a forced fumble should earn him a hundred dollar handshake and a pat on the back from a booster or two.

7. Marvin Austin – DT – 84 OVR, 74 SPD, 87 STR, 82 TAK, 74 BTK – North Carolina – Butch Davis already has this program moving in the right direction.  Austin is a fast, high skilled defensive tackle whose mother just received a brand new house and a new job a la Butch McRae.  Davis also guaranteed that Austin would start, and who am I to mess with that.

Performance – Marvin will single-handedly lead this team to the promised land, or MPC computer bowl…whatever comes first.  He beat up on all those nerds for Duke with four tackles, two for loss, and one deflection.

8. Ronald Johnson – WR – 81 OVR, 92 SPD, 84 CTH, 86 Spectacular Catch – USC – I am not very happy with Ronald Johnson.  I really wish he would have gone to Michigan rather than USC.  It almost pains me to throw him into the starting line-up, although that is the exact purpose of this article.  With all that being said, he is a really good player and he has a high “spectacular catch” rating, which is the second most specific rating in this game next to the “spectacular erection” rating.

Performance – That spectacular catch rating came in handy in this one because he ended up with four catches for 129 yards and a TD.  I was kind of hoping he would break one of his little digital legs, because he is a Michigan guy who didn’t go to Michigan, so I continually sent him over the middle and threw the ball way out in front of him.  He stuck it right in my face with those four catches and he actually flicked me off after the game.

9. Torrey Davis – DT – 81 OVR, 59 SPD, 88 STR, 87 TAK – Florida – Urban Meyer does not rebuild, he simply reloads.  Davis is another dominant defensive player in waiting.  Until now that is, because he is starting.  How can you deny the 88 points of strength and 87 tackle points?  You can’t, welcome to the starting line-up Torrey.

Performance – Torrey recorded five tackles, four of which were for loss in route to the blowout of the Seminoles.  He also speared Bobby Bowden over a table of Gatorade, which only added insult to injury for a coach on his way out.  He also had a pass deflection that hit Mickey Andrews in the junk.  Fowler and Corso had a good laugh.

10. Josh Oglesby – OL – 77 OVR, Pass Block 86, Run Block 90, 86 STR – Wisconsin – Josh isn’t flashy, but by God he is large.  6’7” and 315 pounds of man beast. Youth will be served and Josh will start.

Performance – Oglesby recorded one pancake block and the line let only two sacks, both of which were not a result of a bad block by Josh.  The team won, and gained around 180 yards on the ground.  Nothing spectacular, but anytime you beat Minnesota 22-7 for Paul Bunyans Axe, a good time will be had by all. 

So there are the 10 best prospects in the land.  Some failed in the spotlight while others excelled.  Be sure to share this scientific data with everyone you see fit.  Oh, and just so you can get your bets in early, I played the season on the Junior Varsity difficulty level, and Michigan won the National Championship by 50 points over Florida.  Get your bets in early if you want to make some cash. You’re welcome.

The Angry T

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