For all of you out there who are still interested in the career of THE Ron Mercer, there is some news to report. Ron surrendered to police following an altercation at a strip club in Nashville. Ron and his friend were thrown out of the club after a verbal altercation with a dancer. In an attempt to keep it real, Ron allegedly punched a bouncer in the face while Ron’s friend, Robert Edward Johnson, stabbed another bouncer twice. Ron is 31 years old and last played basketball in 2004-2005. His life as a working man is effectively over. Fortunately for the former #6 overall pick, he made over 35 million dollars in his nine year NBA career, so he should be set on cash for the foreseeable future. Actually, it is very possible that he is like this guy, this guy, who blew every dime they had, but for the sake of this article let’s assume he saved a little. Ron’s situation begs the inevitable question: Besides going to strip clubs and stabbing bouncers, what is Ron going to do with the next 50 some odd years of his life? How could this guy be useful in any way to anyone you might ask? Well wonder no more my friends, below are the 10 best uses for Ron Mercer at this point in his life:
10. Mentor America’s youth on how to make more money than 99.9 percent of the world without any real life skills besides athleticism.
9. Start a business where he rents himself out to groups of people for pick-up games at the local YMCA. (By the way, how great would that be to get a stable of marginal NBA talent and rent them out to play in pick-up games at rec centers and YMCA’s. Billion dollar idea right there, patent pending)
8. Instead of having his jersey made into a trading card, have all of Ron Mercer’s body made into a trading card. The game-used Ron Mercer small intestine from Upper Deck would be the hottest card on the market.
7. Film a buddy comedy with Darius Miles titled, “Useless and Uselesser,” followed by the uproarious sequel, “So this is what 70 Million Dollars worth of Marijuana Looks Like.”
6. Write a book entitled, “If I did Steal 35 million, this is how I’d do it,” and have O.J. Simpson write the preface.
5. Start a semen-for-hire business for out of work professional athletes. Rich men who want to have athletic famous children would pay to have their wives and girlfriends impregnated by former athletes. Who wants some Lawrence Taylor baby-batter?
4. Ron could be taken to a taxidermist and get made into a life-like conversation piece. Instead of an 8 point buck on your wall, you could have a 13.6 PPG Ron Mercer mounted above your mantle. Other options include an Oliver Miller Bear Rug.
3. Star in a reality show in which his assets are frozen and he is forced to attempt to earn a living like the rest of the non-6’7”, 40 inch vertical world.
2. Create and promote the sport of baby fighting, where two babies are pitted against each other in a knife battle to the death all in an attempt to take the heat off of Mike Vick.
1. Create an over-hyped, fat reducing grill that only works 50 percent of the time, is very expensive, and when it does actually work, the results are very mediocre.
The Angry T
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