Mike Williams is Doing his Best Shawn Kemp Impression

Matt Millen is considered by many to be the dumbest general manager in the National Football League, if not in all of sports.  So when he traded 1st round pick and Crispy Cream connoisseur Mike Williams to Oakland for a 4th round pick, everyone assumed two things:

1.  We would use the 4th round pick to draft Snowflake, the field goal kicking dolphin from Ace Ventura, and then try to franchise tag it.

2.  Mike Williams would turn his career around, get on the Atkins Diet, and add another dagger to the heart of a franchise with only one playoff victory since the inception of the Super Bowl.

To stop this from happening, Millen knew he had to sabotage Mike Williams’s chances of succeeding.  He knew he had to send him somewhere where he couldn’t turn his career around.  He knew he had to see to it that Williams couldn’t become a Pro-Bowl receiver.  He knew that he needed help.  He knew that he needed…..In N’ Out Burger.

Oh Millen you genius, sending your Marshmallow of a wide receiver to a city that has those delicious burgers would of course be the end of Williams.  And as the Detroit Free Press reports, Mike Williams is having weight problems again in Oakland.  Oakland coach Larry Kiffen didn’t say how much Williams weighed, but did offer this insight:

"We’d love for him to be down at about 235," Kiffin told the San Francisco Chronicle. "I’ve seen him play really well at that weight before. We’ve got a ways to get there, as far as time frame."

How much does this guy weigh?  This sounds like In N’ Out Burger and Carls Jr. with a side of Del Taco, washed down with a glass of bacon grease.  The Lions fined Williams repeatedly for not meeting their weight goals of 230 and then 220 pounds, and now Williams can’t put down the stick of butter to even weigh 235.  Here’s another gem for Coach Kiffen, who sounds like a dietician on Celebrity Fit Club more then an NFL head coach:

"The last thing we want to do is push him so far and try and lose so much weight that we get another hamstring (injury)," Kiffin said.

Now I’m no doctor (although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), but I was unaware that putting down the giant bowl of chocolate ice cream, or not driving to the Chinese buffet could cause a hamstring injury.    

You would think adding weight and becoming a tight end would be music to Mike “stubborn belly fat” Williams.  Hilariously, the general consensus is that Williams doesn’t have the work ethic to change positions, or the toughness to block anyone besides 5 foot 8, 180 pound cornerbacks.  On the positive side, the general consensus is that he does have the work ethic to down Jack in the Box three meals a day, which is not an easy thing to do.

The Lions and Raiders meet in the first week of the NFL season.  Matt Millen will be on the hot seat again, and another bad season will probably send him back to the announcers’ booth.  More then likely, Mike Williams will start the season injured with a bad hamstring and will be on the sidelines in some form of pants that have an elastic waist.  Millen will look down on the sidelines and laugh, knowing that he helped end Williams’s career.  Williams will look up at the luxury box and laugh, knowing that Millen signed him to a 5 year contract worth 10.5 million guaranteed.  And that my friends, will buy you a lot of In N’ Out Burger.

-Violent J

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