Kanye Wrote a Book of Non-Sense Quotes, Professional Athletes get Nervous that their Schtick is Being Stolen

Quick, go to amazon.com.  Now, get out your credit card and immediately purchase this book.  NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  Don’t worry about what’s in it, and make sure you don’t read this article,because then it will be fairly obvious that this self-absorbed prick is finally delusional enough to think that something like this would be clever.  And it might be, assuming this guy was clever outside of writing lyrics or making people believe he’s a huge douche.  Can anyone tell me why a 52-page book with blank pages needed to be co-written?  That’s right folks, this “genius” needed who penned all of 52 pages, some of which were left blank, needed another dude to help him finish his masterpiece.  Well enough about that clown, well, it will be enough right after I post one line of Kanye’s thoughts on his book:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed,” West said. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.

Okay, my head is going to explode, so let’s get to the point of this article.  Kanye wrote down 52 pages of thoughts filled with his “wisdom,” which reminded me that athletes are often trying to extend their wisdom to the masses.  Most confuse the fact that they are fantastic athletically with the idea that they are fantastic mentally.  In honor of Kanye, let’s take a look at some athlete quotes that would make him look like a college graduate.

25. “The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them.  Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.”—Carl Everett

24. Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.”—David Thompson

23. “I’ve been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak.  The good part is that they don’t make posters of those guys.”—Houston Rockets’ Walt Williams

22. “Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there.”—Rickey Henderson on reports that 50 percent of ballplayers use steroids.

21. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter. I’m amphibious.”—N.C. State basketball player Charles Shackleford

20. Shaquille O’Neal: “I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I’m very intelligent when I speak.”

19.  We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.”—Basketball player Weldon Drew

18. “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all them kids to
copulate me.” Andre Dawson

17. “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” Joe Theismann

16.“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Senior basketball player on Pitt

15.”He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” Trainer Lou Dovaon Andrew Golota.

14. “My wiener has never been so exhausted.”  NASCAR’s Kurt Buschafter outlasting three other drivers to win the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile race at Lowe’s Motor Speedway

13. “Defensively, I think it’s important for us to tackle.”
-Karl Mecklenburg, Denver Broncos linebacker, before Super Bowl XXIV

I really like this one:

12. “Unstoppable, baby!”
-Warrior rookie Marc Jackson to the Mavericks’ bench, after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss.

11.”I’m glad you’re doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We’re so much prettier than all the other women in sports.”
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.

You’ve just got to love those Italians don’t you?

10. “I really lack the words to compliment myself today.”
-Skier Alberto Tomba

9. “That’s close. Or maybe it’s just a burning sensation when you pee,” Salo said. “You never know.”  Calgary Flame Sami Salo on whether his injury was a knee, or ankle.

8.  “I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.” -Jerry Rice

7.  Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” -Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her “I love your music.”

6. “They should have focused more on me.” – Sebastian Telfair on
the ESPN documentary “Through the Fire” about him.

5. “Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn’t help him, I’d pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That’s the type of guy Ray Lewis is.”  Shannon Sharpe on Ray Lewis

4. “The reason we call that pitch up and in is because the arms are attached to the shoulder.” – TimMcCarver.

3. “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years … “ – Mike Cameron

2.  “Having a record company and putting out my own CD. There’s clothes and shoes. There’s also an upcoming
book deal that I’m trying to do. I’m trying to be positive. I’m a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize.” – Ron Artest

There probably aren’t too many guys in sports that purport to know a lot about a certain subject yet consistently baffle the listener with absolutely non-sensical  prattle that is supposed to pass for his “expertise.”

In honor of Tim, here are two of my favorite McCarverisms:

1A.“Roy Oswalt is a drop and drive pitcher. What is a drop and drive pitcher? He is a guy who drops and drives. Very simple.” – Tim McCarver

1.“Well, David Eckstein, like most of us, has 20 digits. Ten fingers. Ten toes.” –Tim McCarver

Now that you’ve read that fantastic piece of journalism, check out the video below featuring the Sklar Brothers:

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