Who will make an Honest Woman out of Erin Andrews?

It’s going to happen.  When it does, the skies will grow dark, computer screens black, and if you listen closely, you will hear John Kruk weeping from the highest rooftop.  Erin Andrews is single, but for how long?  Considered one of three things right with ESPN (the other two being Baseball Tonight and commercials), Andrews is arguably their top sideline reporter, not to mention, she is incredibly hot.  And not just the throw-on-a-bikini and-spread-your-legs-photo-shoot hot either.  To my knowledge, there is no outright sexy picture of Andrews available.  Instead, men are forced to look at her in conservative tops, tight sweaters and dress pants and wonder in amazement.  She is easily the hottest thing in the sporting world right now (besides these ladies).  But like I said, she’s single, which means the biggest fish is still in the pond.  So who will it be?  Andrews has said that one of her main pet peeves is when married athletes ask her out, so all of the cheating (sorry Kobe) married athletes, please step down.  For the rest of you eligible bachelors, here are the odds for who has the best chance to get with Ms. Andrews.

Apolo Anton Ohno- United State Speed Skater, 2007 Dancing with the Stars Champion.

Erin Andrews was a member of the Florida Gators Dance team in college , so you would think she would appreciate an athlete who knows how to dance.  Apolo also has one five Olympic medals including two gold.  Superior athlete, out-dancing Laila Ali and Joey Fatone, sounds like a winner right?  Well, unfortunately Ohno looks like a cross between Count Chocula and a Backstreet Boy.

Odds:  100 to 1

Random Dude- Works 9 to 5, has a dog, masturbates

 Every once in a while a normal guy grabs a famous hot chick.  Maybe Erin Andrews is constantly harassed by the people in the sporting world and just wants a normal guy to date.  Sure,  normal guys may not look so great, and sure we are awkward when we talk to attractive girls and sure we have dead-end jobs, and sure we write sports blogs about who we think will have sex with Erin Andrews first…..okay, never mind, random dude has almost no chance.  Random guys’ only chance is to keep his skeletons in your closet and buy her a TON of tequila.  Good luck.

Odds: 1,000,000 to 1 sober, 20 to 1 with tequila

The Oregon State Baseball Team- 2-time defending NCAA National Champions

Make no mistake about it; Erin Andrews is no spring chicken.  She is 29 years old, putting her right in her prime sex appeal.  But will we still feel the same way about Ms. Andrews when she’s 35?  Or will ESPN hire another young reporter that will steal her spotlight?  This has to be on Erin Andrews’ mind, and what better way to stay young, then to date someone younger then you?  Perhaps she thought abot this when she was working the College World Series and saw Oregon State win another championship.  If she dates a player who is 20, she’ll only feel 9 times younger by my calculations.  But if she dates 25 guys who are around 20 years old, she’ll feel 225 times younger.  The Oregon State Baseball team is praying that Erin Andrews’ math skills are as bad as mine.

Odds: 8 to 1

Connor Falkenbach- Former Florida Gator Pitcher, Current Toronto Blue Jay Minor Leaguer

Before Erin Andrews, there was Jennie Finch.  Finch, a member of the USA Softball Team, was considered the pinnacle of sports hotness.  Then she got married and she went to the place where all of the Anna Kournikovas’ go to rest.  Whomever Finch married should give us some good insight, because Andrews is the new Finch.  Well, Finch married Casey Daigle, a minor league pitcher in the Arizona Diamondbacks system.  If we assume that Andrews will follow Finch’s lead, then Falkenbach seems like a good a guess as any.  He is currently 2-4 with 25 saves for the Dunedin Blue Jays, the High A affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays.  He did attend Florida, like Andrews, and Dunedin is located only 40 miles from where Andrews grew up in Valrico, Florida.  The only issue is, well, I’m just not sure if she is into mini-afros.

Odds:  5 to 1

Ilya Kovalchuk: Winger for the Atlanta Thrashers, NHL All Star, Olympic Medalist, 1st overall pick of the 2001 NHL Draft

Erin Andrews reportedly dated a former NHL player, and her first gig with ESPN was covering the NHL.  If an NHL player has already gone to the promise land, then my guess is that an NHL player will once again punch the winning ticket.  Enter Kovalchuk, the most recognizable hockey star in Atlanta,  the city that Erin Andrews now calls home.  Kovalchuk is also involved in a ton of charity work in the Atlanta area, which the ladies love.  He is also Russian, which I don’t know if girls dig, but at least he has an accent.  Perhaps a run-in with Ms. Andrews at one of her favorite Atlanta restaurants would lead to a trip to poundtown for Ilya.  And judging by this photo, Kovalchuk is into some kinky stuff.

Odds: 4 to 1

Peter Gammons- ESPN Studio Analyst on Baseball Tonight, sideline reporter for ESPN Baseball, Bad Ass Motherfucker

Is Gammons married?  Maybe, but my guess is that a wild stallion like Gammons is too hard to put a saddle on.  Gammons was born in Boston, Erin Andrews was born in Boston, sounds like a great first line for Gammons to use.  From there, Gammons can spit game that includes:

• “Wanna go back to my place and look at my National Sportswriter of the Year Awards?”
• “I make Karl Ravech polish my shoes before every show.”
• “You know…I play the guitar…..wanna get naked?
• “Suck me beautiful”

And if his ways with word weren’t enough, he looks like a more distinguished Richard Gere.  Checkmate Erin Andrews, Checkmate.

Odds: Off the Board

Violent J

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