Arthur Blank, Owner of the Atlanta Falcons and lesser known inspiration behind the 1994 blockbuster hit Blankman, spoke at a press conference this past Monday regarding his star quarterback’s involvement in dogfighting and other charges. When asked for a more definitive answer to the future within the organization of the once #1 merchandise selling athlete in the NFL, Blank mumbled incoherently into the microphone, then abruptly signaled to President and General Manager Rich McKay who began doing what is now described as “interpretive dance” by the Falcons’ public relations department. Following the press conference, Blank described to a source at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution this form of explanation as “direct, clear, and artsy.”
Many notables were in attendance, including Henry “Hank” Aaron, who has advised Blank throughout this tribulation. Aaron is the leading candidate for next year’s newest Espy, the Mattel® Admirable Humanitarian with Crappy Connections award. “If I’ve calculated correctly,” states Aaron, confidently, “I am a Las Vegas casino brawl or Minnesota Vikings cruise away from bagging this one.” Asked Aaron, quietly, “You don’t by chance have Andy Dick’s number, do you?”
Present at Michael Vick’s press conference was former NFL superstar and Court TV regular OJ Simpson. As Vick proceeded to apologize to his family, his friends, Roger Goodell, the Atlanta Falcons organization, and “all the young kids out there for my immature acts,” Simpson appeared to continually shake his head. At one point in the proceedings, Simpson stood up and began pleading with Vick to “stop pretending you did anything wrong. It’s not like you killed a person.” Later while surrounded by journalists, Simpson continued to report that his private investigation team/golfing buddies, The Caddy Hacks, had recently found evidence that tied the real killer of Nicole Brown to the deaths in the dogfighting rings. Simpson stated that he found video that showed “an overweight white man with massive hands strangling a dog while simultaneously stabbing [Nicole].” When asked to produce the evidence, Simpson made a quick spin move and stiff-armed John Clayton as he ran from the premises.
Finally, shocking audio was released for a short time on the world wide web today that was allegedly captured at the initial arrest of Vick. Although most of the audio was unsubstantial to those not fully involved in the case, Vick was said to sound “progressively irritated” throughout the ordeal. Additionally, it was reported that the case was broken open by evidence brought forth by four local teenagers, all “avid dog lovers.” As the police officers began reading his miranda rights, Vick’s voice became raspy, stating, “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
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