Dear John Kitna,
Hey buddy this is God. I know what you’re thinking….No way right? Well “Yahweh” John-O! Get it? One of the apostles told me that one over an Amstel Light last night and I thought it was pretty clever. Anyways, I really needed to talk to you about your comments the other day. I already have Roger Goodell all over my ass about the Music City Miracle a few years ago, and now you go and say that I made your concussion miraculously go away so that you could lead the Lions to an overtime victory over Minnesota last Sunday.
Let’s get one thing clear Kitna, I have only interfered in the NFL’s business on 3 occasions:
- January 12th, 1969. Super Bowl III
I really wasn’t going to interfere in the game, I figured the Colts would win easy, plus I liked Unitas; prayed every night, gave money to the poor, only had straight missionary sex. But then I go on a 48-hour binge with Namath, and I go running my eternal mouth again, “Broadway Joe, if you can get those two blondes at the bar up to my hotel room, I’ll give you whatever you want…” Wouldn’t you know it, he pulled it off, and so I had to return the favor.
- February 1st, 2004. Super Bowl XXXVIII
This one was another favor. I was minding my own business, throwing lightning bolts at trees with Mary…you know, “Virgin Mother”. Anyways, I get a prayer from my lifting buddy, Ed Hochuli. He’s working the Super Bowl and he bet big money for Carolina to cover the spread. Hoch’s always been a good friend, hell, I spotted him the first time he ever benched 500 pounds, a little point shaving was the least I could do.
- September 25th 2005, New England Patriots vs Pittsburgh Steelers
Cedrick Wilson “accidentally” was knocked over by the hand of god…I mean me. He just happened to fall into Rodney Harrison’s knee, tearing all of his ligaments. Thou shall not play dirty Rodney.
So you see Kitna, I really only interfere with miracles once in a blue moon. I mean do you really think that I am the type of guy who cares whether your concussion gets better in time for you to beat the Vikings? I didn’t even watch your game, I was getting caught up on Real World Sydney. What is up with that Parisa girl? I bet you she’s an atheist.
I guess I’m just confused with your logic John. You “definitely feel the hand of God”? Apparantly you must’ve thought I was in the crapper when the Bills’ Kevin Everett broke his neck a few weeks ago and may never walk again. I understand you’re really into me, a lot of NFL people are. I see the kneels in the end zone, the points to the sky, the praise in the locker room. I get it, big ups to me, I know I’ve done a lot of great things. But performing a miracle at halftime of an NFL game just wasn’t one of them. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a tee time with Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. and this dude that pushed a girl out of the way of a car.
PS. Tell Hochuli that he still owes me a case for that Appalachian State-Michigan game…I can’t believe he fell for that one.
Sincerely,
God
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