Hopefully by now you were alerted to the biggest piece of NBA news to come along in a while. No, it isn’t a Kobe trade. It isn’t a Marion trade or a Kirilenko trade. It isn’t an admission by David Stern that some of his players bet on games (I have my eye on you Ronnie Price). However, it is something equally important. Scott Skiles has cracked and will allow Ben Wallace to wear a headband this year.
I am sure it took a fair amount of deliberation to come to this difficult decision. It had to be tough to give up this level of control over your team. I mean what’s next? Armbands, long socks, Rec-Specs, nipple clamps, ass-less chaps, sombreros? You have to draw the line somewhere Scott, and it may as well be at an article of clothing that keeps sweat out of your eyes and may improve your play.
Many other NBA teams have decided to follow Scott’s lead of letting go of a little control. Below are 10 of my favorite rules that other NBA coaches have decided to enact or abolish in an attempt to give the players a little breathing room this season.
10. Bonzi Wells is now allowed to eat Funions, despite his penchant for getting out of shape very quickly. However, said Funion eating may only take place after a win, and he can’t be high while he is eating the Funions, unless he saves a little bit of the chronic of Jeff Van Gundy. (By the way, for all those who say Van Gundy is not on drugs, I have a simple question. “ Then why does he look like this?)
9. Lawrence Frank has decreed that no one may pick them to win anything in the Eastern Conference this year, including, but not limited to, the division, or the conference. He finally agrees that Vince Carter is a loser and will never win any sort of championship in his career. Also, Vince may continue to wear a headband, but only one that says, “Perrenial Failure,” in large lettering.
8. Pistons GM Joe Dumars will no longer allow Flip Sauders to do anything coaching related except wear a very expensive suit and mope around the sidelines with a stupid look on his face. Longtime trainer Mike Abdenour will take over all substitution duties as he has promised not to play Dale Davis at any point during this season, even by accident.
7. Greg Popovich, in an attempt to curtail an Andrei Kirilenko situation where a European player get too big for this britches, will force everyone on the team to look and dress like Tim Duncan. His nerdy, laid back, go with the flow style should control flamboyant, hot-tempered Euros like Fabricio Oberto, who are just looking for a reason to go HMS Bounty on this bitch.
6. David Stern has taken control in the Shawn Marion situation as he will force Shawn to play in Memphis, without another viable scoring option, in an attempt to scare him straight. Shawn will flounder, as he has no ability to get his own shot and he will be shamed into limping back to the Suns and asking for his old job back.
5. Isaiah Thomas has made a team rule that no one may sexually harass anyone in the Knicks organization, unless the harassed plays for the team. No one in the organization has heart to tell Isaiah that despite Jerome James’ soft features and girlish play, he is in fact a male.
4. Mike Woodson and Jim Paxson has agreed to never put any talent around Lebron James. They both agreed they would rather deal with the speculation of what might happen if BronBron gets talent around him rather than actually put talent around him and have to deal with the criticism that might ensue if they still lose.
3. All speculation on whether Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony can “co-exist” will no cease because George Karl has made a rule that his team play with two basketballs while on offense. Iverson and Carmelo will be allowed to shoot as much as possible as long as Linas Kleiza still gets 10 shots a game for comedy’s sake.
2. Eddie Jordan has put a rule in place that will only allow Gilbert Arenas to say he will score 200 points on someone that snubbed him once this season before he is put on probation until he actually follows through with his talk. Also, he may never say anything trash-talk related regarding Portland, because both of his attempts to score 50 points on the Blazers last season ended with Maurice Cheeks’ nuts on Gilbert’s chin.
1. If he chooses to return, Phil Jackson has already stated the Kobe Bryant is allowed to complain as much as he desires, because his team is at best a fringe playoff contender. Phil said he feels Kobe’s pain because he too is forced to watch Kwame Brown and Jordan “Growing up Gotti” Farmar everyday.
The Angry T
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