Rich Kid Who Has Everything? I Bet You Don’t Have Your Own Human Being Punk

If I wasn’t pretty certain this was serious, this website would leave me to believe that business that I am about to show you is fake.  But oh no ladies and gentlemen, this website is all too real.  

Make sure you read all those tabs, starting with “about:”

Since October 2008, Human Toy Co. has been delighting children all across the country!

Our name says it all!  All of our toys are real people who will do, move and say as your child wishes!  They love it!  And your child will, too.

A human toy will not only be countless hours of entertainment but encourages creativity and teaches a sense of leadership.

The perfect toy for the child who has everything!

Just so you’re clear, by “perfect toy,” they do mean human that your child can boss around and manipulate in any way.  By “leadership,” they mean your child will learn how to boss around a mindless drone who will do anything and everything you say. Although, if you’re rich enough to afford this, your child will probably enjoy a life of bossing around mindless drones, so it may be good practice. If the name Todd Gallagher is ringing a bell, that’s because the owner of this site is the same Todd Gallagher who’s currently enrolled in high school…at age 33. (and here is his blog about the experience)

Does anyone else find it ridiculous that you can rent human beings by the hour to amuse your children?  What about babysitters you say? It is true that you pay them to mind your children and make sure your kids don’t rip shots of liquid plumber while you are way.  The website makes it very clear that these “human toys” are the farthest thing from babysitters:

Are your toys trained babysitters?

Our toys are no more of a babysitter than a wooden horse.  That said, unlike most baby sitters, Human Toys are carefully screened, have passed a rigorous background check, are highly trained professionals, and are required not to participate in any activity that will endanger the welfare of a child.  We have never had a family unhappy with their Human Toy experience.

Well good thing I read that frequently asked question.  Now I at least know if my child is choking on a lincoln log, the Human Tool, I mean toy, will sit sit silent, rocking back and forth like the little brother from The Client.

Now I bet you’re saying, “Come on Angry T, this is virtually like renting a clown for your child’s birthday party.”  You may think that gentle reader, but the Human Toys website has a response to that statement:

When you say human toy do you mean clown?

No, clowns are for children whose parents aren’t willing to go the extra mile.   Clowns are a limited, one-way form of entertainment like a television that makes your child take a passive role.  We want children using their minds in their fun!

Well, humantoys.net, you’ve just eliminated 75 percent of your target audience.  Most parents think they want to go the extra mile for their child, at least for a while. Then they plop that same child in front of the TV for nine hours of Nickelodeon while they huff Lysol disinfectant spray and polish off a Cobra or two.

I’m sure that everything I’ve told you above has convinced you to contract the services.  But what kind of HumanToy would you like to purchase?  Take a look at this page.

Well, I’m sure as shit not choosing this HumanToy:

Holy hell! “Mommy the scary floral patten woman is haunting my dreams.”  I simply don’t have enough money to invest in rubber sheets to allow my child to choose this Human Toy.

What about this guy?

Sure, I’ll buy this clown for my child…if I need to teach my child how to identify someone without a soul.  Worst of all, he costs, $40/hr, or double what that frightening woman above can fetch.  This douche will teach your child all about the world of investment banking, lawyering and all things hated by the rest of the world.  Then again, he’s probably got some dough, so while your child is learning about net earnings before depreciation, you can rifle through his wallet and pick up money for dinner.

Who should you choose though? There aren’t a lot of great candidates, but I think this is the obvious choice:

Sure, she started in investment banking and sure, according to her bio on the site, she can “count to a zillion,” which obvious makes her a witch, but at least she’s attractive.  While she’s rounding one billion on her way to a zillion, you can oggle the hell out of her, which depending on how she looks from the neck down, might be worth it.

The Angry T

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