Irish boosters defect to NU, anoint Fitzgerald as savior

“The Liberty Mutual Coach of the Year is awarded to the college football coach who best demonstrates responsibility, integrity, and excellence on and off the field.” Yeah, I hadn’t heard of it ether, but apparently it is real. And instead of being chosen by people who actually know what they are talking about, the fans actually get to play a “crucial” role in deciding the winner.

Everyone knows fans are just a little biased, which would tend to give an edge to larger schools. At least that is my rationale for WHY the Northwestern Alumni Association sent this email…the fact that they shouldn’t have sent it at all is another issue. (click to enlarge)

Go ahead and read it.

So, wait, let me get this straight, they want us to vote for this guy, who looks like he’s 12 years old, for coach of the year? Isn’t Northwestern 3-3? Didn’t they lose to Duke, breaking it’s 300-game losing streak? Shouldn’t the coach of the year have a good team? All valid points, so let’s take a look at the criteria for this award.

From the award website, the criteria are:
COACHING EXCELLENCE

• Results – Sure they beat MSU last week, but their other wins are against Northeastern (1-4) and Nevada (2-3) and they lost to perennial bottom dweller Duke who is 1-5 this year and 3-31 the past 3 years. On the bright side, the Cats started 2-4 last year so they are on the way up.
• Team Discipline – The Wildcats are tied for 3rd in number of penalties and penalty yards in the Big Ten, there goes that one.

SPORTSMANSHIP / INTEGRITY

• On-Field Sportsmanship – Looks like the players shake hands after each game, oh wait no they don’t. Maybe when Northwestern defensive ends get pancaked, they do it with a smile on their face. Also, Pat Fitzgerald has instituted a no “Douchebag” or “Cock-Face” rule for trash talking, which I believe is a proactive step in eliminating the proliferation of the “Cock-Face” insult epidemic among school children.
• Off-Field Integrity – I can’t remember the last time any NU player was arrested or got caught cheating or anything, so it looks like they have that going for them…which is nice.

ACADEMIC EXCELLENCE

• Academic Progress – The NU football APR last year was 962, which puts them in the 80th-90th percentile among D1 football programs. This is obviously because none of the players get drafted, because they lose to Duke…
• Academic All-Americans – NU has had 17 Academic All-Americans all time. Joe Paterno alone, has pumped out 35 from the likes of Kerry Collins and Curtis Enis at PSU.

COMMUNITY COMMITMENT

• Community Commitment – They probably fixed up a playground or something, you know the standard group activity that you are forced to do.  Unfortunately, building that park cost them three days of practice and lifting, which, combined with a lack of talent, contributed to the Duke loss.

I think these points articulate how great of a candidate Pat, uh, Fitz-something, is for National Coach of the Year. Especially when you factor in his extraordinary recruiting skills that will ensure the team stay mediocre at best for the foreseeable future. “We don’t want to actually get good athletes,” Fitzgerald says “because then our off-field integrity and community involvement may suffer.”

Don’t get me wrong, if there was an award for coach that could step onto the field this weekend and make 15 tackles, Pat would win.   He still looks like a brick shithouse and his eyes tell the story of a man that would kill on the field if he could get away with it.  Unfortunately, these are not attributes that win a lot of coach of the year awards.  If that were the case, Dan Hawkins would win every year. His little boys haircut, outdated Oakley’s, and this video scream, “I have several bodies in a large walk- in freezer in my basement.”

Sorry Pat, and Dan for that matter, I won’t be voting for you. My vote will go to Charlie Weis, for not losing any weight, despite being under an enormous amount of pressure and stress the entire year.  It looks like Charlie Weis and his balls will not see each other for a record 43 years consecutively (he has a date with the Guiness verifiers in 2 months).

Bitter B

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