I am Joe Fricking Paterno

I am Joe fricking Paterno. I have been the head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions for more than 40 years. I have coached at Penn State for over 56 years.  I was coaching long before Oliver Miller Weis and the rest of these young punks started to steal my headlines. I have over 360 wins as a head coach, many of those came when I still wore a headset and actually coached. Last year, despite everyone’s best efforts to bury me, I led my team to the Orange Bowl and beat Bobby Bowden’s Florida State Seminoles. So here is my question: why the hell do they have a video of me of breaking my leg on espn.com? Just look at this garbage. Look at the frame they start with, are they serious? How would you like it if I came into Stu Scott’s locker room and took a picture of him putting in his glass eye? Or how about I take a video of Shelley Smith showering? Finally, what if I had a picture of that bulge in Robin Roberts’ pants that crops up every once in a while? My point is: why do you have to kick a guy when he is down? I was sitting on the pot this morning and half-expected Jim Gray to bust in and try to conduct an interview.

“Isn’t it time to admit Pete, I mean Joe, that you are pooping.”

I mean give me a break, no pun intended. I am old. Great, you made your point. My bones are brittle. Would I be around if I didn’t have so much tradition attached to my name? Probably not. But you know what, you sanctimonious clowns who think you are the beacons of everything sport, I want to coach. My players love me, the school loves me, and I can still recruit. So take note, when Charlie Weis goes in for the quintuple bypass, I want cameras filming the surgery. When Dick Vitale’s head eventually explodes, I want the video featured prominently on your site. When Chris Henry commits a double homicide, I want the ESPN chopper following the high speed police chase that ensues. Either do those things, or give me (and them), dignity in situations like these. I know I have earned it. So you have your choice, take the video down, or Kerry Collins and I will drunk drive all the way to Bristol, Connecticut and take our car right through the front of the building, inevitably killing Grant Hill while he plays piano in the lobby. I don’t think you want the death of such a class act on your hands. You have your terms.

Sincerely,

JoePa

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