The Top 10 Replacements for the Injury Cart in Football

Greg Spires injured his leg today.  That information is neither relevant nor interesting.  However, when Greg was injured, the trainers brought out the cart to take him off the field.  Greg eventually got up and walked off under his own power, but I began to think about how lame the cart actually is.  They take injured players off in a maintenance cart you can find at your local pitch and putt.  This is a multi-billion dollar league with facilities worth hundreds of millions of dollars and the best they can roll out to take their injured players off the field is a golf cart.  It is pathetic, but not to fear, I have compiled a list of 10 vehicles that should replace the cart as the mode for taking injured players off the field:

10. Hovercraft – According to my calculations, the hovercraft will be the world’s main transportation method in around 10 years.  The NFL may as well get out in front of this trend.  (I can assure you the last five minutes and 48 seconds of this video are just as entertaining as first 10.)

9. Dog Sled Team – Those animals have a lot of down time between the Iditarod and getting beat into submission by their owners the rest of the year, they may as well be put to good use.  Plus, can you imagine the irony of a re-instated Michael Vick being carted off the field by a team of dogs.

8.  Hover-Skateboard from Back to the Future- This fantastic use of hover technology will take the torn-ACL’s and injured spines off the field in style.   For larger players several skateboards could be tied together.

7.  Budweiser Clydesdales – An exciting mode of transportation off the field meets a fantastic marketing opportunity.

6. The Ambulance from Mid-90s Madden Games – An ambulance would be especially effective if it mimicked the actions of the ambulance in the video game and ran several players over on the way to injured player.

5. Robosaurus- Is there a better form of transportation than a 42-foot tall, 30 ton dinosaur-shaped robot that eats cars?  Even if you just tore every ligament in your knee, how could you not at least crack a smile if you got carted off in this thing?

4. Johnny 5 from Short Circuit –  Staying in the robot category, the out-of-work robot Johnny 5 could cart injured players off the field.  He will also be able to read books very quickly and play three card monte at unbelievable speeds.

3. A Segway – Strap a stretcher to the back of this thing and you are good to go.  Plus, it’s electric, so no environmental issues like Johnny Five, which runs on baby seal blubber and rising ocean temperatures.

2. The Mutts Cutts Mobile – Preferably, this would be driven by Jim Carey, although I am equally comfortable with Michael Vick at the wheel. Irrrroooonnnnyyyyy.

1. Small Wrestling Rings ala WrestleMania III – Wrestlemania III was the seminal event in the lives of most Americans.  Hulk Hogan body slammed the 500+ pound giant and instantaneously inspired millions to follow their dreams. The smaller, motorized wrestling rings that took the combatants to and from the ring at the Silverdome would be the perfect way to cart an injured warrior off the field. 

An ice cream truck covered in human skulls driven by Ed Hockuley barely missed this list.

The Angry T

Popularity: 1% [?]