In all of my years of parochial K-12 schooling, I was often engaged in debates regarding the accuracy of biblical literature as it pertains to symbolism versus literal translation. Naturally, I was beaten senseless by the nuns and later “consoled” by the priests for said “debates.” Ok, so I wasn’t actually struck or molested by any person of authority in the Catholic Church, but I’ve been told God will forgive you for anything, so what’s one little lie to lead into the main topic of this article?
Last week I realized that atop the BCS rankings for college football are #1 THE Ohio State University Buckeyes and #2 Boston College Eagles. This struck particularly peculiar for me because, historically, this type of meeting has not occurred often in the Earth’s past. Yet, quite possibly, the clashing of such titans may finally end civilization as we know it.
I, Raging M-crates, have seen the stars alignment and must now predict that on January 7, 2008, beginning in the epicenter of New Orleans, LA, the end of the world will occur. I know what you must be thinking. How could I possibly come to such as devastating and completely perfect prophecy? For you, the Angry T reader, I present the evidence:
- New Orleans is the site of one of the most destructive natural disasters of all time. Those who have been haunted by Katrina have described the area as chaotic and lawless.
- The SEC was ranked by major sporting networks and press as the top conference in NCAA football. The ACC, and more importantly, the Big Ten conferences were rated as the worst this year. Sounds like up is down, and down is up. Bizarro world, even.
- Boston College, a school founded by the Society of Jesus in 1863, is “committed to maintaining and strengthening the Jesuit, Catholic mission of the University, and especially its commitment to integrating intellectual, personal, ethical, and religious formation.” I don’t know about you, but sounds pretty “Good Guy” mentality to me.
- THE Ohio State University (where T.H.E. stands for “Truth, Hate, Evil”), with team headed by Jim “Grand Master of Darkness, Despair, and D-average student-athletes” Tressel, has recently become the site of the most souls-for-wins contracts with Satan, recently beating out USC & Florida. Former front-runner Nebraska—once the record holding university for devil-based boostering because who the hell would want to live in Nebraska—was finally found guilty in the Ring of Fire appellate division after being accused of breaking contract in 1997 by “praying to God that the Coach’s Poll would not have Michigan ranked #1 like the AP Poll,” thus propelling them into the title of Co-National Champions. The sentence given was 500 years of terrible football, and 250 years of poor corn sales.
But above all, I returned to a reading I recalled from years ago that comes from the Book of Revelations in the Bible. Again, I do not wish to push my or anyone else’s religious beliefs onto any reader, but I think this passage secures my prediction. To the readers of The Angry T, pray to whomever your god is that I am wrong:
Book of Revelations 23:14-16
And unto you, I besiege your soul with the completion of thy existence in this world, and that which no longer awaits you in the after-life. For those whom follow the word of Jesus will fight in a great battle for continued civilization, but alas, the serpent will return in the form of a man in a gray sweater vest, stronger and more cunning than history has portrayed, and he will destroy you all and engulf your souls.
Raging M
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