The Top 5 Worst Football Analysts

It is that time of the year again. Football analysts have run the gamut of cliches’ and have started to throw out complete garbage and hope that no one notices.  In all fairness to these talented on-air personalities, how many times can you discuss whether the San Diego Chargers are a good or bad team without saying something stupid?  Well, these guys prove that the answer to that question is about three, unless you are Emmitt Smith, in which case you will screw up anytime you attempt to say anything.  Did he even have to audition for this job?  Because if he did, I imagine he would have sounded at least as dumb as he does on air.

Don’t worry Emmitt, you are not alone in your terribleness, especially in the high stakes game of football of football analysis.  In honor of SI’s recent top announcer list (Headlined by my favorite, Marv Albert), here are the Top Five Worst Football Analyst in television today. Emmy winners they are not.

5. Merrill Hodge – Merrill shares Mark Schlereths affinity for calling any player he likes a “football player,” with extra stress on the word “football”.  “Larry Johnson is a FOOTBALL player,” “Brett Favre is a FOOTBALL player,” “Neil Rackers is a FOOTBALL player.”  I am fairly certain that Merrill has compromising pictures of several ESPN higher-ups because he has been around far too long for his level of “talent.” I will give Merrill credit for his foresight on awfulness of USC receiver Mike Williams, he called that from the get go. Here is video evidence of his terribleocity:

4. Lou Holtz – This guy would be number one in a heartbeat if not for the wildly entertaining pep talks.  He offers absolutely nothing in terms of analysis, even though he was a coach for the better part of his professional life.  He does have the annoying little habit of picking Notre Dame in games that they have absolutely no chance of winning.  He is a lot like a grandpa that tells you ridiculous stories from his childhood that you don’t believe, yet you feel obligated to nod and act like your care/are paying attention.  At this point, I have absolutely no idea what he brings to the table as an analyst.  He could come in for the pep talk and take the rest of the week off and we would all be better off.

(Fast Forward to a minute in, its gravy from there)

3. Dan Marino – Although I don’t often agree with the Sports Guy, I do share his hatred for Dan Marino.  He has the pedigree, All-Pro, QB, fairly well-spoken, but unfortunately he offers absolutely nothing outside of what the average football fan already knows.  Plus, if I list him here, I get to show the video below.  Make sure you look at for the genuine fear in eyes of his Nick Buoniconti.

2. Mike Ditka – Ditka is another guy who has spent his entire life coaching yet offers virtually nothing in terms of analysis.  While I would love to hear more about the 85’ Bears Mike, I would much rather hear your sparkling commentary on a team that has played a game in the last 22 years.  The fact that ESPN put this guy on air (TV, radio and otherwise) at every possible opportunity will probably signal the demise of the worldwide leader.

1.  Emmitt is by far the worst analyzer in the history of analyzing things. This little snippet  from http://www.draftboardinsider.com pretty much reinforces the sentiment. (And that should be Barry’s record Emmitt, don’t forget that)

 Well here are Emmitt’s quotes of the week – that’s right, he’s four times as dumb this time around. Enjoy:
"If you want to stay perfect, you cannot go undefeated with a blemish on your record."

On whether the Cowboys are on the same level as the Pats and the Colts:

"The Dallas Cowboys are not far behind. They are a distant third. They’re close but they’re not quite there yet."

"Cowboys lose big time," said Emmitt, when asked to describe what his reaction would have been had he been told Dallas would commit six turnovers and force one… in two words that is.

And for botching this one, he should’ve gotten fired on the spot. a) Not only did Smith compare the Cowboys comeback to Jim Valvano’s fight with cancer in a piss-poor attempt at shock-jock reporting, but b) he wasn’t even on the radar in getting Valvano’s quote correct. Valvano of course closed his famous speech at the ESPY awards by saying "Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up." Emmitt slightly, um, tweaked it by saying, "Never quit. Don’t quit."

The Angry T

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