Michael Vick’s NEW Buns of Steel Video

On this last week’s Monday Night Football game between the Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints, ESPN’s Tony Kornheiser questioned how would Michael Vick stay in the shape necessary to be an NFL caliber player while in prison.  Admittedly, the extent of my experience or knowledge as it pertains to the federal prison system comes from a combination of Law & Order reruns (with Jerry Orbach only, may he RIP) and the local women’s prison where I visit the future Mrs. Raging M for monthly conjugal visits.  But considering this very valid question, how could Vick possibly spend 23 months in locked up—away from society and the general public, the trainers and coaches and teammates, family and friends, and of course his pet Shih Tzu “Dragon Slayer”—

–and return to any NFL team as a productive member?  With the NEW Raging M’s exercise book Sweatin’ in Solitary: A Prisoners’ Guide to Avoiding Gang Rape, Vick will be in the best shape of his life when returning to any NFL team.  Here are just a few of the exercises he will complete:

Cardio/Grip Strength – Don’t Drop the Soap:
A great source of cardio, Vick will be placed in a community showering area with ten 300 lb. convicts and a slippery bar of soap lying over the drain in the middle.  Vick must secure the soap and avoid being “tackled” while attempting to complete his shower and escape.  He will be required to lather, rinse, AND repeat multiple times until the guard deems him clean.  To progress, additional convicts may be added to the equation, each with a wider and more crooked penis than the last.  The penalty “Unnecessary Roughness” will not apply.

Hand/eye coordination – Shiv an Inmate:
To maintain his ability to scan a defense for weaknesses and properly adapt to environmental changes during a game, Vick will be expected to eliminate another convict utilizing the sharpened end of a toothbrush, eating utensil, bone fragment from another dead prisoner, or any other item without being detected by prison officials or guards.  In order to help with audibles, if Vick is, or anticipates being caught, he may choose to also eliminate the guard and other witnesses to succeed in getting the 1st down…on the ground and bleeding. 

Snapping the Football – Prison Bitch
Vick will be expected to procure a prison bitch within the first week to practice successful transfer of the football from under center.  A fumble is defined as anytime the Center is unable to successfully get his ball into the Vick’s hands, and as is common in the NFL, the result is for Vick to “turn over.”  Also, in order to avoid premature ejection from the starting Quarterback position, an honorary “tail back” will be stationed directly behind Vick and given the instruction to push him closer to the Center if he appears not to have appropriate physical contact.  To build a rapport, pants are optional, but discouraged.

Passing – Tossing the Salad
There simply is not an opportunity to throw the ol’ pigskin around while spending time in the pen.  Rolls of toilet paper are one of the highest forms of currency for inmates,  outdone by tobacco products, heroin, other inmates (see “Prison Bitch” exercise), and Harry Potter Novels.  Since projectile items are not readily available, sources close to the NFL have recommended highly that he keeps his arm fresh by “tossing anything that can be tossed.” 

Toughness – Gang Wars
Obviously, the first thing Vick must do to survive the duration of his sentence is to join a gang.  I recommend selecting a gang that contains (a) the largest, meanest, baddest fellas that recognize Vick has money, or (b) former members of any offensive line he has ever had.  However, he should not fear the gang lifestyle, but rather embrace it.  Although Vick could avoid serious contact in the NFL because of his speed and agility in the past, he will likely leave prison minus a step or two—and he needs to get used to the concussions.  Also, if he should return and get picked up by the Baltimore Ravens or Oakland Raiders, the adjustment period from being protected by felons will be minimal.

Footwork – Rollin’ Doubles
Once a week, Vick will attempt to escape from prison.  He must find a way to get out into the yard and make a mad dash to the three levels of barb-wired fences, avoiding detection by guards and disgruntled inmates.  Due to the fact he is Michael Vick, he can rest assured that he will not be shot while trying to escape due to the potential backlash by the Atlanta community for such a deed.  Ironically, though, guard dogs will be used to apprehend the escapee.

Raging M

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