All I Want for Christmas….

The holiday season isn’t only for children, professional athletes also have wishes and dreams they’d like fulfilled during the Christmas, errr…Hanukah, errrr…Kwanzaa, err…whatever holiday season you want to call it.

Kobe Bryant:

“All I want for Christmas is…skill off the basketball court.” It just seems that basketball is the only thing KB24 is any good at. Do me a favor and watch this (but do yourself a favor and stop about halfway through, we don’t need you killing yourself this early in the article)

Why, oh why Kobe. Will there ever be a day when athletes realize that there is a reason they play professional sports and aren’t hip-hop phenoms? It took about two times watching it to be sure that it wasn’t a SNL skit. Who was the last African-American who rapped more like they were white? Also it was just priceless when he flowed into what I think was Italian. That was his way of covering up just how awful it actually was. And I don’t even need to mention that leopard print hat. Can’t wait for the Kobe vs. Shaq rap battle, we can call it “56 Mile.”

Jason Kidd:

“All I want for Christmas is…a new watering hole.” The best tee shirt I’ve ever seen said, “Friends don’t let friends live in Jersey.” Well let’s hope for Jason’s sake he has some friends that are NBA GM’s. His contract is awful, his attitude has never been the best, he can’t shoot, decent defender (getting worse), but wouldn’t he look good in any other uniform? It’s sad to see someone so unbelievably skilled at upgrading the players around them deteriorate in the landfill that is the New Jersey Nets. He went from playing with oodles of talent on team USA to playing with Mr. Jefferson, Mrs. Carter and a bunch of no talent hacks. I feel for ya Kidd, I really do.

Shaun Rogers:

“All I want for Christmas is…a dietitian.” Ok, ok, there is almost no chance he actually wants one but for the sake of all Lions fans and employees, the overweight hippo needs one. I understand that for certain players a coach makes exceptions, but not making the fat oaf lose weight and get in shape is recockulous. Last Sunday he played an entire six snaps before he had his hands on his hips winded. Six plays? According to his player profile he weighs 340lbs. Yes if you cut off both legs he might weigh 340 (but you’ll have to stop him from eating those legs after you cut them off.) He’s about one double cheeseburger away from being the “Gluttony Victim” is Se7en.

I’ve contacted the Lions’ headquarters to see if there is a clause in Shaun’s contract that states that if he runs over 50 yards for a touchdown he can quit playing for the rest of the year; so far I have received no word.

Chicago Bears:

“All I want for Christmas is…a real quarterback.” They have been such a good team for so long we forget how pathetically putrid their quarterback play has been for the past two decades. Here is a list of quarterbacks since 1990 that have started for the Bears:

1990: Jim Harbaugh, Mike Tomczak
1991: Harbaugh
1992: Harbaugh, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer
1993: Harbaugh, Willis
1994: Erik Kramer, Steve Walsh
1995: Kramer
1996: Kramer, Dave Kreig
1997: Kramer, Rick Mirer
1998: Kramer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno
1999: Shane Matthews, Cade McNown, Jim Miller
2000: McNown, Matthews, Miller
2001: Miller, Matthews
2002: Miller, Chris Chandler, Henry Burris
2003: Kordell Stewart, Chandler, Rex Grossman
2004: Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Craig Krenzel, Chad Hutchinson
2005: Kyle Orton, Grossman
2006: Grossman
2007: Grossman, Brian Griese, Orton

My personal favorite stretch is Eric Kramer playing the better part of five consecutive seasons. I can just imagine the management thinking, ‘yes I think Eric gives us the best chance to win’ and at the same time saying ‘plus why would we want to develop a young guy at this point.’ Honestly the best prospect on that list is—I can’t believe I’m about to say this—Rex Grossman. How sad is that. You know it’s bad when fans are looking at other teams’ backups and saying, “Hey wouldn’t it be better if we had Sage Rosenfels?”

Bud Selig:

“All I want for Christmas is…a time machine.” I know what you are thinking, a time machine, how ridiculous is that. What you should be asking yourself was if Bud did somehow get a time machine would he go into the past and A) destroy steroids and change policy to make sure none of his players would take it or B) go back in time and kill anyone with any knowledge that these players were doing it and cover all their tracks. My money is on B. I know it’s terrible, and we all think we should and would always take the highroad. But let’s be honest for a second, prior to the Mitchell report steroids did more good for the sport than harm. We got more homeruns, more strikeouts, our favorite players got to play when they should have been eating prunes in an old folks’ home, we had another excuse to hate Bonds besides him being an ass, and we got the occasional laugh when we found someone like Nook Logan or Neffi Perez used them. Now that the shit hit the fan, baseball is in a hellhole, but you just have to wonder: what if there was no Mitchell Report?

National Hockey League:

“All I want for Christmas is…a fan or three.” Just incase you weren’t sure, I checked, and yes the NHL is still in business. Shocking isn’t it. When the team that claims they are “Hockeytown” can’t even fill its own tiny stadium, which only holds a shade under 20,000, there is a problem. Does anyone care that they still play games? Answer this question if you had tickets to an NHL playoff game and a WWE PPV event that were both on the same night, which would you go to? Yeah, me too.

Marion Jones:

“All I want for Christmas is…sympathy.” After admitting she used the designer steroid THG, better known as “the clear” Jones has been skewered by the press. Weeping at her press conference she begged for forgiveness:

Why shouldn’t we forgive her? We know she adamantly denied using steroids for the past five years, looked straight into the camera time after time and claimed “there exists no one who can truthfully testify that I have ever used performance enhancing drugs simply for the reason that I never have.” Oops, turns out she forgot that she can testify against herself. We should also feel bad for her because she claims she didn’t know what she was taking. Oh yes, that was just some scented massage cream that made your muscles bulge and your recovery time shrink. I forgot what KY was capable of nowadays. I feel sorry for you Marion. Oh wait, was I supposed to tell the truth?

Bobby Petrino:

“All I want for Christmas is…people to stop dumping me.” When will college football coaches stop trying to make the leap to the pro level? How rarely does it pay off? After Saban and Petrino recently bailed from their franchises I think we should put some restriction on college coaches, like they have to be coordinators for two years, or make them watch every Detroit Lions game of the past 10 years. It’s amazing how many people didn’t see this coming from Petrino. Are you telling me he never gave the “oh crap I made a big mistake” attitude at any time while coaching the Falcons? I find it hard to believe that he didn’t let on that he was leaving, for god sakes I mean he took the Arkansas job. No offense to the Razorbacks, but this isn’t like taking the Oklahoma, Florida, Ohio State, or USC job. Can you blame the guy, his quarterback was Joey “strawberries and piano” Harrington, and his defensive leader is DeAgelo “talk the talk” Hall. Wouldn’t you quit?

Roger Clemens:

“All I want for Christmas is…my reputation back.” The Mitchell Report did more damage to Roger than anyone else named in it’s pages.. Anything short of indisputable evidence that he did not use steroids will forever alter his perception as an athlete. The problem with documents like the Mitchell Report is that there is no real hard evidence or proof that he used except one man’s claim. Even if no charges are ever filed, in the public’s eye, the accused are already guilty. It’s also not great for o’l Roger that Andy Pettitte already admitted to using HGH. Not only does that gives credence to the statements made by the Mitchell Report, but it also puts Roger in a tough spot as now he looks like he’s standing alone against the allegations. If it turns out he did use steroids and is not admitted into the Hall of Fame, both the games’ greatest pitcher and greatest hitter of all time (Pete Rose) will be in the sports’ shrine.

Jessica Simpson:

“All I want for Christmas is…to support my boyfriend.” Maybe its mere coincidence that Tony Romo had his worst statistical game when his blonde babe was sporting his jersey at Texas Stadium

Even TO asked that Ms. Simpson stay away from Romo. The theory is that the beautiful but often ditzy Simpson was a distraction to the all-world quarterback. Personally I think it was the football gods cursing the Cowboys for letting that pink jersey in the stadium, which lends credence to why the Cubs have been bad for the last 215 years..

Killer K

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