Brace yourself, the Golden Globes have been canceled due to the actors’ vow to boycott because of the writers’ strike.. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to worry, we have put together the sports golden globes to whet your appetite for second rate awards which mean absolutely nothing to anyone, including the people that win them.
Best Motion Picture – As much as it pains a Michigan man to say this, Michigan vs. Appalachain State was the Best Motion Picture for 2007. It had every element of drama that could ask for in a game including a blocked field goal as time expired. Armanti Edwards for Heisman in 2008.
Best Supporting Actress – The actress part seems like a stretch if you have seen Dukes of Hazzard, but Jessica Simpson definetly is a supporter of Tony Romo, although some people wish she wasn’t.
Best Actor – Roger Clemens is pleading his case in a way that critiqually acclaimed actor Sidney Potier blush. He is denying steroid use, going on 60 minutes, playing tapes of him and another man. He is essentially doing everything I would do if I has done something wrong and then was trying to cover it up.
Best Actress – For her part, Marion Jones did a great job of denying her steroid use for years. Then, as only an actress of her caliber can, she gave us a crying diatribe about her steroid use and how sad she was that she let down her friends and fans. Bravo, Bravo.
Best Animated Feature – Toughest decision on the list, I really like Mike Lundy getting animated and telling everyone that “I’m a man.” Unfortunately for Mike, Dan Hawkins was the most animated feature of the year.
Best Television Drama – Barry Bonds’ home run chase was the most compelling television drama of 2007. Would he break it this year? Would he get hurt? Would Hank Aaron be there? Would I watch another five minutes of ESPN’s coverage without killing myself and everyone around me? Of course the answer to all those questions (respectively) was yes, no, sort of, and I am typing this from prison.
Lifetime Achievement Award – Mike Tyson has committed himself not only breaking the law but also entertaining the hell out of me. His latest cocaine arrest completes the trifecta of alcohol arrest, drug arrest, and sexual related arrest.
Best Director – MLS Commissioner Don Garber wins this award by default. Bud Selig is still dealing with steroids and will be for the forseeable future. Roger Goddell is pretending that no one in football does steroids. Gary Bettmann scheduled his All-Star game on a Wednesday and David Stern’s referee’s bet on everything from spreads and over/under’s to the number of times Robert Swift can be hauled off in cuffs during a game for being mistaken for a meth addict.
There you have it, I saved you there hours of your life that you would have never gotten back otherwise. You are welcome.
The Angry T
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